138eagle wrote on 27 Nov 2024 22:18:

This is GYE basics.

Keep Up The Fantastic Work  (And Of Course, The Trucking) My Friend And Rebbi Who Continually Inspires Me To Fantastic Growth.

Obviously. What else would it stand for?

KOT-APRA(JTMWPH)!!

Redfaced's chumros in being "omer davar bshem omro" reminded me of something I wanted to post.
I hit 90 days this past week. 'Twas a bit weird. On the one hand, for years 90 days seemed impossible. When I joined GYE I tried to get to 90 and failed devastatingly. And for a long time 90 days was an impossible goal that I yearned for. And then I focused away from the "streak" and goals, and just worked on staying clean. And so now that I'm there, it seems completely unimportant. 

Obtaining something you desperately desired and realizing it's nothing. Sounds familiar? Obviously, I had a lchaim and rewarded myself. I think manipulating yourself and pumping yourself up to enjoy positive things is generally important. But it was weird.

But over Shabbos I saw an idea in the hakdama to Rav Belsky's sefer on parsha. He writes about being "omer davar bshem omro" - why does that specifically bring geulah? And he explains (in a lengthy vort that I am not doing justice) that redemption occurs on a micro scale and a macro scale. We talk about mashiach and the "geulah shelaima". The idea of a "geulah shelaima" implies there is a non-complete geulah as well. Those partial "micro-redemptions" occur often.

Every time someone escapes part of a trouble, the trouble lessens in camus or eichus, they've experienced a partial geulah. And those partial redemptions are a both a portion of a complete redemption and also a complete redemption of the chelek of the tzarah they are redeeming from. 

(Take, for example, Chanukah. It was a partial redemption - the greater tzara still existed - non-Jews were still persecuting them. But for the specific element of that tzara that was the shmad of the Syrian-Greeks there was a complete redemption.)

Rav Belsky says, each partial redemption adds up to a whole. The geulah shelaima that we seek, the complete and final revelation of Hashem's majesty, has within it millions and billions of partial redemptions throughout the eons of galus. An unattributed torah thought is in a type of exile. It's lost from the one who said. It's a small galus to be sure, but a galus nonetheless. And someone who attributes the idea to the one who said it, on a tiny micro level has redeemed that thought from it's exile. And every single tiny fragment of redemption is part of that complete and perfect final redemption.

True, day 90 is just another day. But at the same time, each day is not just another day. Each day is a fragment of a complete and perfect macro redemption, and at the same time, a complete and perfect micro redemption.*
*With the important caveat that it must truly be part of a redemption, and not just part of the downward cycle. 

There's still a long way to go. And day 90 didn't specifically do anything special. But it would be terribly kafui tov of me not to recognize that Hashem brought me somewhere that I longed for and thought was impossible. And that GYE and the chevra here were the malachim (not mamash (I think)) to make that happen. Thank you.


And relatedly. Innocently, I realized there was a potential loophole in the filter today. And filter poking is really hard for me to resist for some reason. Back in the day (a whole 2 months ago) I would've gone straight for it, hours and hours on figuring out the loophole, exploiting the loophole, masturbating, masturbating again because "hey, I gotta use the opportunity", blocking the loophole, feeling like garbage. And then the next day looking for a new loophole. Rinse and repeat and repeat and repeat.

I'm so grateful I didn't have to do that today.

There once was a turkey-slug
                       -who was also a King,
He was was wonderous, shockingly wise,
He reigned in the ruins of childish dreams, 
Wildflowers and sun in his eyes.

The crumbling blocks of old broken-down walls,
and the pathways with brambles and clover, 
Are places he painstakingly climbs and enjoys ,
In his Kingdom of tries and do-overs.

Those endless tomorrows have been washed away, 
Yes, the hurricane-glass has been shattered,
The Kingdom of Now is aglow in the Light,
That slants golden on what truly matters. 

And the sunset, ablaze, full of purples and pinks,
Over gardens and fountains and trash - 
Paying homage to He whose heart no longer sinks -
As he rises from Akeida-Ash…

Oh my valiant friend, I cannot find in my heart,
The words to express what I mean, 
For your serenity reflects on unknowable Truths,
And you’re dreaming the Aibishter’s dreams. 

You’ve taught us to Daven, you’ve taught us to strive, 
how to keep clawing up on the climb, 
It’s my humblest Bracha - continue to grow- 
Reaching Gadlus - One Day At A Time!! 

Love and Respect, 
איש החפץ חיים

chosemyshem wrote on 04 Dec 2024 21:42:

In whispers of fate, your journey began,  
A streak born from laughter, a wild, playful plan.  
Yet who cares for the means when the end's in view,  
A "superficial" milestone, yet so vibrant and true.  
  
Countless tales of triumph flood this vibrant space,  
Each story a beacon, each victory an embrace.  
Some forged through hard sacrifice, grit in their soul,  
While others found fortune, their hearts set on a goal.  
  
Yours shines with a radiance, distinctly its own,  
A spark of pure inspiration, in every word shown.  
What started as jest has transformed into might,  
A wonderful journey from shadow to light.  
  
We can be our own foes, our thoughts often bind,  
Yet strength lies within us, just waiting to find.  
With dreams barely imagined, we rise and we soar,  
Your path speaks of courage, of opening doors.  
  
So keep sharing your wisdom, let your words flow free,  
It proves what we can accomplish, what we can truly be.  
Inspiring the next ones who wander and strive,  
Your beautiful musings keep hope very much alive.

Cheers!

- Yiftach'l

For so long he believed it was futile to try,
Staying clean wasn’t for him, he wouldn’t it buy,
Cycles there were, uncontrollable for some,
If you think otherwise and suggest so, you’re just being arcane and dumb.

But the key came in the form of a deep seated desire,
If he can’t help himself at least help instill in others the fire,
Lets create a Vaad where the more introverted of us can thrive,
Open up and into the holy GYE waters dive.

Look what was accomplished the many helped and saved,
They are an everlasting testament to your love, about you they rave,
But above all, helping others has cemented within you,
The ability to tame the cycles, break free, and be the malach that redeems others too!

With a ton of love and respect,
Muttel

Since you gave credit to Red, and I can't compete with the greats , here is a not-so-long (Red's preference), heartfelt recognition of YOU.
.

He chose his shem after deleting his name,

Thank the good Lord, back he came.

A close call, would have been a terrible shame,

Without him, he and we would not be the same.

(ok, not too short)

He kept his eyes on the prize,
and even he was surprised,
when Hashem answered his cries,
and it was his time to rise.

My helper, my brother, and my friend – what a zechus it is to know you and celebrate with you 1+1+1+1 . . . +1 days!
KOTSKMTASAIAGAMCTW

There once was a warrior, his name was Name
As well as Shem, they're one and the same
To help others fight was his wont
Day in and out, 'The Vaad' he'd vaunt

Then came the day, 90 of his own
He thought "it seems a bit overblown'"
Yet that's the thing about it you see
A new normal it was meant to be

An old habit broken, a new one created
Routine maybe, but not at all overrated
We're lucky to have him at GYE
Helping us all stay strong and free.

Long live the king,
iwantlife

The oilam is rapping…..! Great bars! 

Checking in.

Been struggling a bit with some light urges. Friday I filter poked for a couple minutes but stopped. Weekend and today were good. I did spend a couple of days checking out of life with my favor mindless distraction that's not porn. Works been boring and that's not great. Through some hashgacha, the Dov call this week really focused in on distractions from life that come from the same drive as porn. Was interesting and helpful. Today was pretty good.

I need a little bit of plan for the end of the day when I'm tired and burnt out. Really I should just leave the office.

Well, if you could see the little number counter thingy under my name, you'd see it's back down to 1.

So it goes.

Funnily enough, what held me back from masturbating while I was watching porn was thinking that if I come on here and post about a full-blown fall it'll be super embarrassing. But if I post about fighting and holding myself back from masturbating even after falling with porn, then I'm a HEROTM.  Thanks for the positive peer pressure, boys.

Interestingly enough, when I committed to the fall I realized that absolutely nothing in my life makes my heart race with anticipation like porn. Nothing at all even comes close to that. Which is fine. Just an interesting observation.

So that's where we're at. 

Short term plan - avoid a follow up binge at all costs:
Strict zero tolerance on fantasy (every single time I watch porn after a decent break I'm surprised by the intensity of the mental "chazaras hashuir" that pops up over the next few days).
Reached out for some support. 
Spend time every day reading (probably the big book, not TBOTG. Mostly bc I can read the big book in the bathroom.)
Spent some time letting the urges go, instead of trying to just overcome then.

Longer term plan:
Remember that I can't do this long term, but Hashem can. 

Medium term plan: 
Avoid the boom-bust/nuclear reset cycle. 

Life goes on.

With love and never-ending

Shëm

chosemyshem wrote on 12 Dec 2024 21:21:

Sorry to have missed to poetry bonanza above, but in light of your latest post how can I defer?

Old and dingy man Shem, the creepy perv

Traveled back in time, that took some nerve

To fix and change what he needed to

So that in old age he shall not be blue

Now he’s still young, full of vitality

Forging ahead, doggedly

A Hero™ on this forum he truly is

His growth upwards is not just show biz

Young Man Shem, you truly rock

Although Mistress Porn gave you a sock

It takes zero away from your net sum

You are no longer a walking P&M Zombie Bum

Please continue to enlighten and inspire

All us out here, as we sweat and perspire

Well written pearls of wisdom, mammash a treat

Or a Vaad or two, what an amazing feat!

Sorry to hear about your fall Shem.

I'm interested in understanding your long term plan, 'remember that I can't do this long term, but Hashem can'. It does sound very 12 stepish but I'm wondering what it means for an outsider. How is that a plan? True Hashem can, but who says He will and why should He?

I feel like I'm in no position to offer deep and powerful words as I'm talking to someone who has acted as an inspiration to me, you already know the basic shpeil better than I, and so many others on this thread will be able to hit the nail better than I, so I'll avoid hitting it off-angle and breaking it.
But I can say that this fall does not change my view of you at all, you're still an awesome inspiration to me. And you're right, life goes on. Thinking about you and hoping you are feeling well and keeping up your short term plan.
You already know you can reach out if you want to, and that I would enjoy the call.
Hatzlacha Rabbah! Forget the count (the 90 day myth) and KOMT (I think it's the first time I used that phrase, an apt time for it)

iwillmanage wrote on 12 Dec 2024 22:36:

Oh baby.

Here I was stuck between wanting to watch again and thinking I should flee mine office when you served up that fastball. Here we goooooooooooooo.

I must've posted that exact question at least . . . once. Read through my whole thread several times and dok v'tishkach. Okay fine, I'll elaborate. No need to pester. Can't elaborate as long as I'd like because I'm late, but happy to discuss more in depth.

I definitely asked this to Dov in exactly that form. I don't remember his answer, or I didn't understand it, but here's what I think. Keep in mind that although I think highly of the 12 steps, I have zero affiliation with that mehalech.

First, why do I think I can't get out of it myself? 

I really like porn on at least one level. I also have poor self-control. I've also trained myself that this sweetest escape solves all of life's scrapes and bruises. So although in the short term there are alot of things I can do to stop myself acting out, in the long term, I seem to just lose interest in doing those things or they lose their effectiveness. I'm simply not strong enough or motivated enough to stay away from this stuff long term. At the very least, my behavior has not demonstrated otherwise.

At the same time, I'm not hubristic enough to believe that I'm so wicked I cannot get clean. 

So we have these two conflicting ideas. One the one hand, I can't get clean. On the other hand, I must be able to get clean.

What's the answer? I can't do it but someone else can. Hashem is capable of doing literally anything.

So we come to our second part of the equation. Hashem will get me out. You ask a good question. Why should he? Why will he?

This is good question. Let's turn it around. Why won't He? This thing is spiritually harmful and causes me great pain. I firmly believe he wants neither of those things.

If so, why hasn't he yanked me out yet? 

So I think the answer to that is 1) You have to do your part. G-d is not a deus ex machina come to yank me out of pain and shower me with 72 virgins. There's a lot of work that is in our control and G-d helps the sailor - but the sailor must row. You gotta do everything in your power. 2) G-d's help is not gonna destroy the problem. That appears to not be how the world works. G-d's help pulls you through the problem. Don't look for G-d as an escape hatch. You won't find that. Look for him as a generous helping hand giving you exactly what you need and helping you through.

In short. G-d is infinitely kind. We only think he won't help us because we think he hasn't been helping us so far. But that's because we're not interested in what he has to offer. We want either lust, or no issue with lust. We want a "Get out of jail and into a mansion free card".

That does not exist, generally speaking.

Coming in from a bad day 
I don’t got much to say
except this: 
Heres a warm hand, 
          Held out to a good friend. 
                    Hang tight. 

#Yes HE Can