Lots of reminders in the streets today that I should stay vigilant.  Bh I am not looking. In the past I would be indulging wherever my eyes could feast.  I should be excited about being strong but for some reason I am feeling pain.  May it be a kappara for the all the forbidden pleasures of the past.  

I wrote this last night. Wanted to clear it with someone before I posted here.  I was given the ok.  Will post a follow up later. 

I said goodbye today to the closest friend I ever had.  I saved the closest for last.  All the other contacts are long gone.  We knew each other for seven years. Once I started this journey  I knew I would have to do this eventually and I am glad it’s done. But boy does it hurt.  It helped that we haven’t been in touch in two months.  

I had committed to myself on Pesach that I would do it by shavous.  I discussed it at length with my therapist in advance .  I wrote a long letter and texted it to to my friend.  She was very understanding.  We said goodbye and wished each other well. 

  I am letting myself feel the sadness until tomorrow morning.  Then I will delete all the contact info and thousands of texts between us (I already deleted any pictures so everything is clean).

 I davened both mincha and maariv tonight. It took a long time.  There were lots of tears. I am hoping hashem sends a new close friend into my life soon.  One that is not a sex worker.  One that understands me and cares about me as much as she did. One that does not judge me and accepts me as I am.  One that shows me the strengths I didn’t know I had.  Maybe a wife? I am afraid to hope for that.  But still maybe….

Until then I will find solace in my connection with hashem.

Vehkam wrote on 18 May 2022 13:41:

This is one amazing guy!

I’m not a professional, however from a therapy angle - is there a countdown timer that locks you from sadness after tomorrow morning?  I believe you should allow yourself to let the feelings flow.

Definitely Don’t lower your hopes for a wife b’sha’a Tova! 

“One that shows me the strengths I didn’t know I had” - Don’t pin hopes on your wife for that 

i will follow up later... there was a reason i set that limit...

Markz wrote on 18 May 2022 16:26:

Thanks so much for your response.

I am not planning on suppressing my feelings.  I actually had plenty of time to prepare before hand.  I was not in touch for the last two months and i had slowed down my correspondence before that as well.  so i was ready. 

one of the reasons this was intense was because in saying goodbye i had to bring all of my emotions to the forefront in to writing a letter and responding to her texts in a way that would be  clear to both of us that this is permanent but still be non-judgemental and kind.  i needed to do that for myself.

that left me vulnerable and emotional and very focused on the separation.  I also believed that this is temporary and can pass very quickly because of how i prepared myself.  

When i woke up this morning, the first thing i did was to delete the contact info and all of the texts.  that took just a few seconds.  The first half of davening i was very emotional.  At some point it clicked that i dont want to focus on this anymore and my emotions calmed down.

bh i have a very good therapist and i can check in with him but i believe that my preparation and the emotional writing that i did afterwards were sufficient to bring me to a healthy place today.

Buddy, you touch my heart way to often... I have no words...

Shavous is coming!

the second day of shavous will iyh mark a fall six months of being totally clean bh.  Planning a major bbq  to be'"h celebrate with probably 30-40 people.  they will all think that its in honor of my upcoming birthday... but you all know the truth!

That's so awesome. You're such a source of strength for all of us here, truly happy for you .

Vehkam, keep it up! You really inspire me!! 

I wrote this a few months back.  Added some thoughts at the end and I’m sharing it now….

I Had my second therapy session yesterday.  Lots of raw emotions.  I was able to unload some heavy burdens that I have been carrying around since childhood (by unload I mean express verbally).   One if the things I told the therapist about the summer I was 10. I was a bedwetter (some years it was a big issue, some almost not at all). As far as I know, none of the kids found out that summer.

However, I was having accidents every night.  The staff was not on top of it and I was embarrassed to say anything.  I used my extra sheets, extra pjs, extra towels etc... after a few days everything was soaked through and through.  When I got into my soaked bed every night I was freezing.  Of course I didn't stand a chance.  I told the therapist that I remember davening with tears every night for hashem to help me stay dry.

I wondered aloud that I don't know how this was allowed to happen......

This morning during davening the conversation came to mind.  I thought back to those tefillos and wondered why hashem didn't answer me?  They were the most heartfelt innocent and pure Tefilos of my life, yet they seemed to be unanswered.

Then , it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Hashem was saving those tefilos for now when I needed them even more!!!

(I added this today)

Now, when I say שמע קולינו I have in mind.  Please hashem hear my voices.  Not just the voice of the tefila I am davening now, but also hear the innocent voice and of that young boy of over 40 years ago pleading with you - the only one who can possibly help- to please help me stay clean.

 And then I realize, that innocent sincere boy is me.  Those heartfelt tefilos are still within me.  I may have suppressed them for so many years but beneath the surface they were always waiting to burst forth once again. Often the tears start to flow once again as I beseech hashem to take all those tefilos. The ones from then and the ones from now and wrap them up together as one heartfelt tefila direct from my neshama. And I hope that tefila will be precious to hashem and that he will find a special place for it by the כסא הכבוד so that he will always listen to it.

Beautifully written.  Please keep writing your thoughts down, as I (and I'm others) am gaining so much from them. 

A very powerful thought, and beautifully written!

Really beautifully written. You can be sure Hashem hears you. Those genuine tefillos have a special place in shamayim. May you have Hatzlacha and much Siyaata Dishmaya..... and Happy Birthday!

Wow. What a dose of inspiration!

 Shabbos

Some of us have a harder time on Shabbos- we have extra unstructured time.

Some of have an easier time in Shabbos- we are disconnected from technology. 

I have suggested a few times that if someone is struggling with p&m and nothing seems to be working, that they try committing to stay clean on Shabbos and once they are successful they can expand their commitment to the rest of the week one day at a time.

I wanted to explain some of my motivation behind that suggestion. 

I asked a Rav recently why we only daven וטהר לבנו לעבדך באמת on Shabbos (and yomtov) but we don’t say it during the week.  He answered that during the week we are on a lower level of kedusha and we don’t necessarily feel that we are missing that Tahara.  It is only on Shabbos in yomtov when there is a kedusha yesaira that we realize what we are missing that we daven specifically for this. 

There is an extra kedusha In Shabbos that can give us that little extra to inspire and motivate us to be pure.  There have been times in my life that I lived with few boundaries.  However one line that I never crossed was Shabbos.  I can point to times in my life that keeping Shabbos prevented me from crossing even more lines and falling into a place that would have been infinitely harder to climb out.

ושמרו בני ישראל  - את השבת.  What is it that watched over me and protected  me from falling even further? It’s the Shabbos that was so ingrained in me and separated me( even if it was by a hair’s breadth). 

 the medrash says  that Shabbos said to hashem “every day has a mate, who will be my mate?” And hashem said “klal Yisroel will be your mate.”  Shabbos is our partner.  If we will make that effort to be מקדש the Shabbos. Shabbos will certainly respond in kind and infuse a person with a kedusha that he would have believed to be otherwise unattainable. 

Let’s use this wonderful gift to our benefit.  Putting in the effort to lift ourselves up in honor of Shabbos.  And when we come to the words וטהר לבנו לעבדך באמת we will really mean it and we will be infused with kedusha as we are embraced by the Shabbos Malka.