For those following my journey there is nothing new in this post. It’s an update and synopsis of some of my posts on the road to recovery.
I am now at 9 1/2 months since the beginning of my journey. In the words of Eli Nash “like birthing a new person”. As a wrote in a letter to my daughter recently “ As much as I was always a mature, practical, self-aware and thinking person, I can say with conviction that I never really knew myself. “ I am delighted to finally know the real me.
As I am not in crisis or transition mode I do like to review my old posts from which I take much inspiration. I pulled some excerpts together to read them in one place. I am posting them here. I hope to be able to write more and fill in some of the missing pieces of my inner struggle at some point.
I am not writing this to be self-congratulatory. There is a life of work ahead of me. I am writing to inspire and be inspired.
For a long time I thought it was all over. My only distant hope was that somehow after 120 hashem would understand and cut me some slack. It was not very comforting. I know there are others out there with the same thoughts. I hope I can inspire them to realize that there is real possibility of change. We can get through the struggles, the shame and the guilt to live our lives with confidence and happiness as true avdei hashem. We need not be bound by the shackles borne of years of chasing and escaping into fantasy.
And so, here are some excerpts basically in chronological order…
(My first post)
Hello all. I am new to the site. I have been aware of GYE for quite a while but had come to terms with the “fact” that I am too deep into my secret life so I might as well embrace that side of me…. I listened to today’s boost and I could not even bring myself imagine what success feels like….. I don’t remember what it feels like to be pure. I am an emotional person and I am tearing up as I write this.
So just an update. I had a very good conversation with Yaakov. He encouraged me to get in touch with Relief for a therapist referral.
It takes a long time to rewire 30 years of the thinking but only a second to turn towards the right direction!
I consider this a gift straight from hashem and working very much on focusing on how much hashem loves me.
(Advice to a fellow gye member)
If you have good music that you like you can try putting that on at night. (For me, anytime I feel any urge, my automatic response is to put on music ( or a shiur if I’m holding by that)).
(Reflecting on my first post)
Wow. It’s seven weeks since I wrote this. I just reread it and I cannot believe how much my perspective has improved. Just seven weeks ago a part of me questioned if success was even possible for me!
I am at 87 which means I will be having a massive party on the day I complete my original goal of 90 days. I feel like it’s a another hug from Hashem.
hit my 90 days last night. Danced the night away at our Daf Yomi siyum.
That has been the single most valuable lesson that I learned from being on GYE. For many years I totally viewed myself as a closet rasha. For a few years Even davened on yomim noraim for Hashem to just end it already. I am starting to see myself in a different light and, although I try not to think about all the stuff I did in the past, I can appreciate how important I am and how much Hashem wants me (and is helping me) to succeed.
I’m still on the offensive. Gearing up to delete my Hulu account one of these days.
(After being faced with a difficult challenge right in front of me)
I think that this was probably my most difficult struggle since I started this journey. I put my headphones on and some music and spend the rest of my time sitting there staring at my phone. It took a few minutes to process what I just went through. The feeling of desire to talk to them was so intense.
It took another 10 days but my Hulu account is now history. I don’t have time for it anymore anyway….
147 days since I started my journey. I finally spoke to “hashem helps me” on the phone. I am very excited to now have another resource
nearing the completion of the book the battle of the generation and am looking forward to starting again.
just had to post today. After waiting for the right person for a few months I finally started therapy today. I was literally crying before the session out of gratitude to hashem for getting me to this place.
For the past 47 days I’ve been reading a chapter of the book of the battle of the generation every night. Tonight I made my first siyum and tomorrow I will begin the book again.
(Advice…)
A Little over one year ago I had no idea who I wanted to be. I had two separate identities and it was becoming increasingly unclear which was the real me. It took a lot of siyaata dshmaya and also some very difficult decisions but I can say that I now have a much clearer understanding of myself and I am not struggling with that anymore. Be honest with yourself and take small steps.
Recently I started another thing. I try to remember when I kiss my tzitzis during shma (even just one time) to have in mind that hashem loves me. I find it very powerful.
(Regarding pritzus in the city)
At first I was a little disheartened- is this what I will have to deal with all summer??
Then my preparation kicked in and I realized that I didn’t choose these nisyonos- what an amazing opportunity to gain zchusim.
(Post Pesach)
Dear Hashem
There are no words to thank you for these past eight days. The feeling of closeness to you that I experienced each day of yomtov was so much more than at any time I can remember. The feeling of living a life that is “real” is indescribable…..In my conversations with my children I knew where I stood in my own mind. I was no longer confused as to who I am. . And when we discussed the purpose of life to become close hashem it no longer felt like empty talk on my end. And when they responded to me, it was obvious that the feelings I had were penetrating their thoughts as well….
Hashem this yomtov will always be etched in my heart. Zecher l’yetzias mitzraim has so much additional meaning now.
(After visiting my fathers Kever)
Then It hit me, that the disconnect I always felt had nothing to do with my father’s somewhat closed personality. Over the years I had been closed myself! I was fiercely guarding my secrets and had an inner wall that I had put up. It was not visible to anyone else and I seemed to function just fine but the wall was there nonetheless. Ensuring that no one ever got close enough to see through the façade and discover all the terrible things I was doing.
(From my Seder Hayom)
If I could only daven one word it would be the word רצה. All of my essence is wrapped up in that one word. Please hashem desire a connection with me. (And all of klal Yisroel). ואשי ישראל באהבה תקבלברצון I think of the fire of desire that engulfed me forso many years. That is my korbon to hashem. Please accept it with אהבה.
(Responding Re my approach to davening)
The excitement and relief I had in being freed of this burden I was carrying for 35 years allowed me to open up to hashem in a way that I never dreamt possible. As I started to reconnect many of the emotions that I was feeling found their way into my davening.
(From seder hayom - constant reminders)
Daven mincha in the middle of the day if possible instead of waiting for the evening. Daven because I want to connect to hashem, not because “I have to”.
A person can only be going in one direction. Either up or down. There is no such thing as just staying the same. My goal is to make sure that i am always slowly growing
(After walking in the streets)
I should be excited about being strong but for some reason I am feeling pain. May it be a kappara for the all the forbidden pleasures of the past.
(My last friend from the forbidden world)
said goodbye today to the closest friend I ever had. I saved the closest for last. All the other contacts are long gone. We knew each other for seven years. Once I started this journey I knew I would have to do this eventually and I am glad it’s done. But boy does it hurt. It helped that we haven’t been in touch in two months.
(celebration)
the second day of shavous will iyh mark a full six months of being totally clean bh. Planning a major bbq to be'"h celebrate with probably 30-40 people. they will all think that its in honor of my upcoming birthday... but you all know the truth!
Now, when I say שמע קולינו I have in mind. Please hashem hear my voices. Not just the voice of the tefila I am davening now, but also hear the innocent voice and of that young boy of over 40 years ago pleading with you - the only one who can possibly help- to please help me stay clean.
שמרו בני ישראל - את השבת. What is it that watched over me and protected me from falling even further? It’s the Shabbos that was so ingrained in me and separated me from that world (even if it was by a hair’s breadth).
Yom HaMeyuchas
My heart filled with emotions of gratitude and joy that I am able to finally feel that I too am a part of this גוֹי קָדוֹש To feel that hashem is lifting me up. That is taking me out of my personal mitzrayim… To feel that ahava that he has for us, his chosen nation… to be part of a group of mevakshim that will keep getting up no matter what and no matter how many times we fall!
I finished the last chapter of The Battle of the Generation last night. I will spend the next few nights reading the addendum and start the book again on motzai yomtov.
(Excerpt from my poem)
I started my journey full of energy and light
Excited by Mitzvos learning day and night
I thought I was immune had not much to fear
Just keep to the Torah he won’t get very near
But the yetzer hara had other plans
He knew I had desires just like every man
The pictures I looked at, the things I read and saw
And then there was no stopping I wanted more and more….
my father in heaven can I express even a fraction
For allowing me back in spite of my actions
I took one step towards you in the hopes to repair
And you showed me a world that you always were here.
My dreams once abandoned are now back in place
I want only one thing, to live in your grace
Excited by mitzvos learning day and night
I continue my journey full of energy and light.
(2 of the 13 points I would want to say at an internet asifa)
8 -The desire to be close to hashem needs to be stronger then the desire of the temptations around them. Otherwise eventually the willpower to resist can easily fall away. Try to bring an awareness to that connection which is unique for each individual person.
9 -Your children must know that hashem loves them no matter what. So many years have been lost by people that fell and didn’t bother getting up because they did not believe that hashem still wanted them. (It’s not all or nothing)
(Understanding the consequences I live with)
…Perhaps with time, those memories will dull. Perhaps I will be able to attain a level of purity that will filter my mind from the perversions of the past….Until then, I must live with the consequences of my past choices and daven that the pain of these memories be included in the yissurim tovim and add to the zchusim that I so surely need….This is my current challenge and i accept it wholeheartedly. I am not dejected by this. I know that if i do my part, hashem will continue to carry me.
(Birthday vort)
This past year was arguably (to my knowledge) so far, the best year of my life. As I begin a new year I ask hashem ברך עלינו את השנה הזאת ....כשנים הטובות לברכה. May it be a year of even more growth, may it be a year of hatzlocha, gezunt, parnassa and nachas for me, and may I in turn be zoche to bring nachas to hashem.
Musings…what if someone finds out…
What if I just stop?
(Yerushalayim)
Dad, its been too long. I need to be with you. To feel your love, your embrace. Please just take me home. You promised me you would come get me. That I could come live with you and spend time with you. Forever. Just like the old days.
I am begging you my dear father in heaven, ולירושלים עירך ברחמים תשוב ותשכון בתוכה כאשר דברת…
Please just take me home.
I am two thirds of the way through reading through The battle of the Generation for the third time. I don't believe that i have missed more than one night since i started the first time. (not sure if i actually did miss a night or not!) I continue to gain from the book and internalize the messages and responses to the yetzer hara.
(Excerpt from my full story)
Tomorrow will mark nine months to the day since I started my journey home. The truth is that I didn’t know at the time what path I was headed towards. I just knew that I needed clarity and that I could not attain that clarity while acting out sexually…..
Sometimes I had to go out once or twice during seder to relieve myself of the pounding intensity that was going on in my body. I needed to do that just to be able to focus on the gemara. So I came back to my shtender feeling like a lowlife, no longer dealing with intense cravings, but carrying a brickload of guilt for where I was holding……
I carried my heavily guarded secret with me into marriage…….was now stuck with my secret, my guilt, my loneliness and divorce on top of it all. …..knew where and when to go and act out on my fantasies and I became very comfortable spending time in very disreputable places.
it is now nine months and I am no longer looking over my shoulder. Of course I always have to be vigilant, that will never change. I am comfortable with who I am. I understand (through therapy) much more of my personal vulnerabilities and how to deal with them in a positive way. I am hopeful that I will soon be able to finally have a real relationship with a wife that understands me. My only secret now is GYE. (my friends and family have no idea.) I have opened my heart and soul and cried rivers of tears during the course of some deeply emotional writing on these forums. I can’t wait to share it all with someone really special who will do the same with me.
