Hey there. It's been awhile. Just checking in to say that I've been through a lot over the past week and a half, and I am proud to say that I overcame a very big Nisayon. More on that later. Maybe...Nu....  You made us curious. Plus, let's get some positive feedback that you were omeid b'nisayon...

I can be מעיד that Oived Elokim is ממית עצמו ממש for the sake of Kedusha and the ultimate life he seeks to live.

I'm upset cause I wrote up a whole post and it just got lost.

To catch y'all up on everything-the big nisayon was and internet "girlfriend" that I became very emotionally attached to. The relationship sorta happened out of the blue and I never meant for it to turn into what it did. That being said I have learned to exercise more caution in the future. Like I said-I overcame it, meaning I broke off the relationship. It was gut wrenching in the moment but in hindsight I'm very happy I did it and have largely moved past it. Anyways I learned many lessons and among other things-it gave me a real sense of motivation to do what I need to do to get into Shidduchim and find a woman I can connect to and share my life with. Hopefully the emotional satisfaction I will get from that will be worth all the pain I went through to get there... (Que for everyone to start pilling onto me for my warped, goyishe view of love and relationships...)

In other news I borrowed a laptop from nobody[redacted] in because my personal one wasn't working and I needed a computer for work. The said laptop is unfiltered and I have used it to view porn multiple times this week. My own laptop is once again working but now I don't know who to give this other laptop to, being as I borrowed it from nobody [redacted]. I will do my best to get it out of my hands ASAP but I'm not sure I can till next week. Wish me luck in figuring something else out till then.

As far as my emunah issues-I am doing my best to speak to Rabbis and sort things out. Wish me luck in that as well. I'll need it. A lot of it...

Thank you for reading,
OivedElokim

Wishing you lot's of luck and loads of Siyata Dishmaya on your laptop & emunah issues and anything that you need!
Keep on internalizing your TRUE identity! OivedElokim

You have a big tzibbur of chevra here that care, waiting for your updates buddy. May Hashem give you the opportunity to share good news.

Ready for me to start piling on? Well it ain't gonna happen

I dont know what you think we think marriage is about?

But the jewish view isn't that that wife is just a baby machine.

When we say Vehayu Lebasar Echad we also mean emotionally, so yes, finding a wife, is finding someone who you can share your life with and be very emotionaly connected. 

In fact, one can say, the relationship we learn from porn and those who push that worldview is the warped world, where there is no emotional attachment, just sex.

unrelated point -  I dont know if you've seen it, but YYJ has a long series called the emunah series, and no I haven't listened to all of it, just the first two which were interesting.

This is so frustrating, the second time this happened to me this week. I wrote up a whole post, pressed submit and it didn't go through...

Emunah update: Yesterday I called up an old Rebbi of mine to discuss my doubts regarding the veracity of Yiddishkeit. He's a brilliant man, a big Talmid Chochom and well versed in secular knowledge and literature as well. He gave me a "Shiur Hakdamah" to the sugya of Emunah and helped better understand what my challenge is and the possible approaches to addressing it. It was very helpful although we haven't gotten into specifics yet. It gave me hope that I will eventually sort all of this out successfully and go on to live a happy and fulfilled life as a frum Jew. He told me it will be a long journey and I'm sure he's correct, but I have begun to perceive the light at the end of this dark tunnel I'm in.

Kedusha update: Not doing well, watching porn daily now. I don't have the headspace to deal with it right now, in addition to the fact that I don't have any easy fixes in the cards. I have an easy fix but it'll only be fixable in the middle of next week. I can't work on everything at once so I'm just gonna cut myself some slack in this regard (Pile on que).

Great to see you in a hopeful matzav. May Hashem help you find menuchas hanefesh regarding the Emuna inyonim. Keep us updated buddy.

Someone mentioned recently about short posts being a good idea :-)

That would possibly help some of us find recovery quicker, and also give us reprieve from the painful issue of groundbreaking words getting lost!

Markz wrote on 04 Jan 2023 21:56:

and a reprieve from all that scrollin'!

cordnoy wrote on 04 Jan 2023 22:19:

jackthejew wrote on 05 Jan 2023 18:34:

I will try to edit - had difficulties last few times though.

cordnoy wrote on 05 Jan 2023 18:55:

Noooooooo! That was just for fun! We love the inspirin' quotes!

jackthejew wrote on 05 Jan 2023 19:08:

Whoops #hijacking

Update:
(Post #613  )

Last night I learned some lessons about online relationships the hard way. Without getting into detail, I got myself into big trouble. As a result I am getting rid of all my social media accounts and am going to fully invest myself in real-life, human relationships to meet my emotional needs of validation and connection. This experience also ties into what can be termed "GYE issues" broadly speaking, but I do not feel comfortable getting into the specifics. I have GYE friends that I'm closer with and have/will share(d) with them the details, as well as other people I trust in my life.

My advice to the rest of you is to be careful. If you find yourself too attached to online "friends"-ask yourself what is motivating this and how can you get what you need in a safer and more real way. Online, anonymous "vulnerability" is cheap and easy. Real men have the stones to be vulnerable to real people with names and faces.  

End of rant
OivedElokim