15 days baruch Hashem. 
Shabbos/yom tov was kinda challenging bc I was staying by my rabbi and there was someone else staying there that I was very into. I will also admit I touched myself too much the past few days but nowhere close to zera levatala. 

Even though I had found some loopholes in my filters to look at shmutz, BH I have been very careful not to use them l'kavod my mother's refuah. I wish I could portray through this computer screen the immense heartache, despair, and anguish that I have been feeling to you all; my mother told me over yt that she thinks that she has less than a year to live . There's nothing quite like that news to make one re-evaluate what's really important in life....

I'm so sorry to hear that! IYH B'zchus your mesiras nefesh she should get better very soon!
Do you have a way to plug up the loop holes? There is an idea spoken about in the recovery comunity of "burning your bridges while you're sober" which means that when we aren't faced with the challenge we remove the triggers and possibilities to be actualize on our urges

Striving Avreich wrote on 30 Mar 2021 20:59:

Best way is to upgrade my filter. Working with TAG to see what can be done

בינוני wrote on 30 Mar 2021 19:01:

Imagine me giving you a hug. One of those big, warm "I care about you so much and feel for you" hugs. Because I am. I'm davening for you and your mother.

Who knows if anyone actually reads this thread anymore but I wanna post anyways. It's mainly for myself as my own journal (sorry kinda selfish). 
Made it to chai BH! 
Today was filled with nisyonos. This might get a little detailed but, like I said this is for my own accountability so here goes:

1. Was watching a movie and BOOM outta nowhere, nudity. Closed the movie out and came to here. I can't even tell you how many times I wanted to go back and watch that shmutzik movie but I resisted.
2. Was searching for an email and stumbled upon an old porn subscription I had forgotten to unsubscribe from. Here's the thing, in the email itself, they put a "picture". But I'm so proud of myself I scrolled all the way to the bottom of the email past the picture to the 'unsubscribe' button without seeing anything.
3. Been touching myself way too much today. In fact, the same thing that I was doing when I was nichshal 18 days ago, I started doing again today.

BH overcame all those urges (and believe me it wasn't easy). Celebrated the victory by reconnecting with an old friend this evening and had a very nice time.

Believe it or not I try to keep up with the "recent posts" so rest assured.....

Seeing something inappropriate is almost inevitable as situations can arise unexpectedly.
The first look is out of your control however the second look...your giving in.

You deserve to be proud of yourself!
keep posting!

That's fantastic!

Fell last night

I guess I could get into details but whats the point?- a fall is a fall is a fall

YH working 24/7 trying to diminish the severity of zera levatala in my mind. Was telling me all sorts of things...
It seems more of an issur d'rabbanan than d'oraisa
If there's tzaddikim on here that have lost streaks after 200 days clean, how on earth am I supposed to keep clean after I just fell 3 weeks ago?

So much for all the gedarim I had in place- they were strong but the YH was stronger

Not gonna lie might, c"v, go on a binge now so pray for me

בינוני wrote on 05 Apr 2021 18:11:

We're praying for you. At least you're hearing what the Y"H is telling you loud and clear and you know that it's not YOU. 
Hashem does not care if you're up to 200 days or 1 day. He loves you just the same and you have the ability to overcome just the same (with the help of Hashem). 

The world is full of temptations. If we want to hold on to lust, we will have endless opportunities to continue lusting at every turn. We will be fighting a losing battle of Shemiras Ainayim by constantly trying not to look at things that we do want to look at so badly. Instead, the real trick to success is to learn how to let go of the lusting altogether. Instead of fighting it head-on, we need to simply let go of it.

בינוני wrote on 05 Apr 2021 18:11:

I hope you didn't!
We are all here for you.
Come back.
We need you!

בינוני wrote on 05 Apr 2021 18:11:

Thete are no tzadikim in this battle. It is the great equalizer. It's all about strategy and not becoming complacent and letting down your guard. You can do both of those. 


Gedarim are there to help you. Not to fight the yetzer hara alone. Of course he's stronger than gedarim, but he's not stronger than you. Not at all.


Dust yourself off and get back in the ring. You are a man of discipline, vision and determination. Don't turn into a mound of soggy jello in the face of desire, or because of some depraved animal who has no respect for life, themselves, their family, mankind and the world. 

You know the man you want to be. You know the life you want to lead. Be that man and make that life.

Was a great day BH. I finally got my pc properly filtered through Gentech! Not only do I feel that it will help me immensely with shmiras einayim but also with time management. After years of going to Netflix, Youtube, Hulu, etc to avoid doing my responsibilities, now it will be physically impossible for me to access that stuff on my devices. Also BH I've been so busy today I literally had no time to act out.

בינוני wrote on 07 Apr 2021 04:50:

Aside from the practical aspect, I also found that a filter serves as a constant reminder that I am fighting for something. Whenever I unintentionally stumble upon something that would be inappropriate, my filter pops up and reminds me that I am fighting for something greater. It also gives me a sense of pride in myself, every time I get stopped by it that I know I did the right thing by getting a good filter, even though it does make things a little slower and more difficult on the computer. 

Kol Hakavod! 

wilnevergiveup wrote on 07 Apr 2021 05:29:

Oh it's fantastic in that regard! Even if it blocks something that is seemingly kosher, I still am grateful. I take it as a sign every time it blocks something even if it's chabad.org (which actually has happened before lol) that Hashem doesn't want me there. Unfortunately, it does make things run slower on my computer which is kinda annoying considering how much my parents spent buying me a [supposedly] fast computer. Oh well- a small price to pay for avodas Hashem!

DavidT wrote on 05 Apr 2021 18:55:

I really appreciate this post...... You gotta "let go of it" inorder to to hold on.