Tremendous! All that effort really paid off it seems

You're such an inspiration! Keep it up! 

In the middle of a huge urge. My brain is really hyping this one up. It’s telling me of the immense pleasure I will immediately get if I masturbate. Release all those weeks of tension. Just float back into numbing everything. 
Luckily I’m smarter. 
Doesn’t make it any easier though. 

It’s very hard man, ik. Gotta try pushing through. No better eitza than that
Keep shteiging brother!

Wow! Such gevurah to post here while you were having that urge! 
I cant say I have done that in the past.

It’s slowly going back to normal. Beginning to feel more like myself. That was a doozy. I was already clouded over with lust, not thinking, just acting like a slave. Almost trancelike. 
Almost gave in. Almost. But was misgaber. 

Help me. I’m dying over here. 
I had to be in intense triggering locations yesterday and still have tremendous urges to act out. Additionally someone mentioned something yesterday that is basically a workaround for my phone filter. I can’t! No matter how hard I try I keep getting knocked down. 
Don’t know how much longer I can hold out. 

I think it was me. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me and stay strong.

I fell. 
This will not be a tear soaked post as my insides are threatening to fall apart and I need to keep it together in order to view this as a bump in the big picture and not that everything is over. 
I promise you I gave it my all. It wasn’t meant to be. But I gave it my all. I promise. 

lionking wrote on 23 Feb 2021 13:20:

It wasn’t anyone on GYE. 

A fall hurts but the silver lining is that we can reassess and ask ourselves why we are willing to "oppress" this desire.

Keep strong and make sure to celebrate your accomplishments!

Zedj wrote on 23 Feb 2021 14:47:

Ditto. That is the recipe for success b'ezras Hashem.

BHYY wrote on 23 Feb 2021 14:18:

Our dear BHYY
We know the pain - we've "been there done that" ... Hashem knows the pain too... He regrets creating the yetzer Hara (Yerushalmi, Ta'anis 15a)... It's a deep concept but sometimes we need to learn the simple meaning...

Where wo we go from here?
There was once a king who placed his daughter at the summit of a large mountain and proposed the following challenge to the inhabitants of his land: I will offer my daughter’s hand in marriage to whomever is able to climb the mountain and reach the top.” Many professional hikers attempted the climb, but they were all unsuccessful. Then along came an old man who could barely see, but decided nonetheless to try. He slowly made his way up, and after many weeks of arduous travel, he eventually made it to the summit, where he received the grand prize-- the princess! When the old man was asked how he was able to reach the summit after so many other hikers had failed, he answered simply, “What do you mean? It wasn’t such a tall mountain! All I saw was a few feet in front of me, so I walked those few feet-- and then another few feet, until I reached the top.”

The nimshal is obvious: Take one day at a time! Your goal right now is not to stop for life; it’s to push it off as much as you can.

Really sorry to hear. You are such an inspiration to me how much you have withstood the last while.

There is a concept brought down in Chasidus, thst sometimes the nisoyoin is not if someone will sin or not, but instead how he goes on afterwards. כי שבע יפול צדיק וקם. A tzadik keeps getting up and going on.

Keep up your amazing work and don't let this get you down.

BHYY wrote on 23 Feb 2021 14:18:

What's wrong with a tear-soaked post? I'm actually a big fan of those type of posts. That is the moment when we have crystal clear clarity on the true enjoyment when we indulge. It is suddenly seen in it's true colors.

When we write down the way we feel we can always read it at a later date, when faced with temptation and remind ourselves at the pleasure we desire does not exist. Remembering the pain we endure after last time we misbehaved can bring a lucidity to the table when battling an urge. As an aside making time to constantly reread it, reaffirms the clarity you had at that point.

So my friend, sit down and type up all your feelings and read it as often as possible and especially when tempted.

Hang in there! You are a real fighter!