Got to day #67 and then fell.

What led to the fall?
I spend too much time in front of a computer screen. I have recently been trying to find media that the filter doesn't block. Not very proud of that. It is almost like my brain activity decreases and I just search and click. Auto-pilot. I found a couple of problem areas and those led to the fall.

Now what?
I have already blocked those problem areas and checked that I can't access them.

This post is a huge step for me. In my experience with GYE so far, I haven't done that so soon. I don't report the fall on the counter right away and I certainly don't post about it. That usually leads to more masturbation. This time, I made up in my mind that I would not do that. Here I am, posting the next morning. Part of it is not attributing so much weight to the misdeed. That is a big accomplishment for me that I have written about in the past. It is still a "serious offense," but I don't experience it as a world-toppling event. That is the second time I looked at pornography in the last twelve months. I mean, wow! I used to look at it 2-4 times a week!

A few times a week, I insert a confessional paragraph into my prayers. It is printed in most siddurim in the middle of the beracha of shema koleinu. I used to confess these sins all the time. I haven't had to with the same frequency since joining GYE. When I mentioned them this morning, I thought to myself, but I have other things that I need to share too. Why should I put more weight on these misdeeds than other ones? I went through the exercise, for just a few moments, of thinking about the previous day and finding other things that I did that were not in line with the halacha.

I feel great! I am proud that, even if I don't have a perfect record, I have 495 cumulative clean days since late-January 2020. I am proud that I posted right away to hold myself accountable immediately.

Thanks for reading and joining with me!

You should be proud!

Many times in the past I would use the day I fell as an 'off day' and would fall many more times, till I would get the courage to start again. 
It's amazing how you got right back up!

Hatzlacha!

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 13 Jul 2021 15:07:

This is a post from a recovered individual, who like all normal people, has nisyonos. Your brain and heart are BH where they need to be; the nefesh ha'behamis will iyh catch up soon too.  Your post should be publicised to all newcomers. Hatzlocha!

Day #2.

Thank you all for the "thank yous" and feedback.

Thanks for all the support. I fell again.

I brought this issue up a couple months ago and...well...it's an issue! I, thankfully, got a new job and I started two weeks ago. I was given, not one, not two, but three unfiltered devices! I tried, on my own, to install a filter on the laptop with the representative from the filter company, but it seems that there is a security measure that blocked the installation. Did I give up?

May I ask which filtering company? Different filters work different way and there may be a way to filter with the technology of a different company

I was trying to install GenTech. I don't have administrator privileges. and there is a lock on new installations (outside of their preapproved apps). Content filtering is not on their radar screen. My request got sent up to the upper levels of IT and hopefully I will get a response soon.

Day #1. First 24 hours! 

Day #2.

Struggling a little bit with the unfiltered devices that I received from my company. Question for you all, especially the more techy amongst us... My company's IT department has no content filtering solutions for their devices. Any apps, outside of their preapproved ones, need to be approved before they unlock them for the devices. How should I proceed?

I use GenTech Solution, but I'm not sure that is the easiest one to convince these IT people to authorize. Content filtering is so not on their radar. "Just don't look at the adult content" kind of attitude. Any suggestions?

Tell them that even a basic level of filtering will also protect the devices from phishing and hacking sites, and it's a good cybersecurity investment.

Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 22 Jul 2021 21:23:

NEWSFLASH

Mr Monstah Truck is having a weekend sale on the latest GeFilterPhishing Cyber Security App. 

Buy 1 get 50% off!!!

It keeps their employees from wasting time. Especially if it  is the kind that keeps track of activity, or reports if something was accessed that shouldn't. I see on a filter's site that it can also protect from legal issues if something is illegibly downloaded or accessed on company computers. Also keeps employees from deliberately accessing malicious sites to ruin the network, keeps being from using all the bandwidth

Day #0.

"We would not be able to utilize this app on *company name* mobile devices. After review, I am not seeing a suitable app."

That is what I received from the IT department of my company. I think this has to do with the company's VPN and security protocols, but I'm not sure. I didn't get an explanation. I was then instructed to contact the HR department to explain why I need this service and that they could authorize the IT department to pursue further. I will do that, but this is going to take a while...

I have been using the unfiltered devices for more than just work... This is the most masturbation and pornography that I have done since I started GYE in January 2020. Difference between then and now is my attitude. Falls are less impactful. I move on and realize that this is a small percentage of my daily activity.

Nonetheless, I am resolving to stop. I am going to hold off from recommitting to the challenge that puts a financial penalty on falls because I am not set up for success right now, but I am still resolving to stop.

My plan:
Put unfiltered devices away at the end of the workday.
Avoid activities that may lead me to want to get the unfiltered devices (for example, spending too much time on my personal filtered devices)
Post here for accountability.

Any and all chizuk is appreciated.

Here is an excerpt from the EasyPeasy book (Painlessly quit porn immediately, without willpower or any sense of deprivation or sacrifice.) 

The Instructions
1. Follow all instructions.
2. Keep an open mind.
3. Start with a feeling of elation.
4. Resist any promise of a temporary fix.
5. Get it clear in your mind: Porn provides no genuine pleasure or crutch and you aren’t making a sacrifice.
There’s nothing to give up and no reason to feel deprived.
6. Don’t wait to quit, do it now!
7. Make a decision never to watch again and never question it.
8. Remember there is no such thing as just one peek.
9. Never watch porn again.

Affirmations
• I’m free from the slavery of porn.
• It’s easy to ignore my thoughts about porn.
• Bye bye thoughts, bye bye urges. Oh, there goes my cravings.
• I focus my subconscious mind to overcome porn addiction.
• Porn steals my time, energy and vitality.
• Beating porn gets exponentially easier day by day and in every aspect.
• I enjoy and value my porn-free, strong, happy, light and easy lifestyle.
• If I look back and think about my progress, it gives me great joy and pride in myself.
• Every time I see other porn users I get more motivated to see myself break that chain.
• All that pent up energy is healing my body and mind. Then, I can do more productive and challenging
work towards my values and goals.
• My brain is getting back in correct shape, getting exercised by me not doing what I was previously doing.
• Now all that pent up willpower is being utilized to handle lightweight stresses and strains of life.
• Great, I’m free and no longer a slave!