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Once and for all
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Once and for all 3256 Views

Re: Once and for all 16 Jul 2019 13:42 #342326

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Keeping busy alone is not the answer - inevitably downtime will come along and than what? A combination of some of the various tools is the best .
Keeping busy,Good filters,making friends / accountability partners,  90 day chart  ,12 steps/meetings, davening,  are some of the many , you need to try to find what works for you , but there's never 1 magic pill.
Last Edit: 16 Jul 2019 14:44 by i-man.

Re: Once and for all 16 Jul 2019 14:24 #342327

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iMan Keeping busy is 1 of the tools. For me - a biggie
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Re: Once and for all 16 Jul 2019 14:46 #342330

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Yes sir , I added it 
But do you agree its not a solution on it's own ?

Re: Once and for all 16 Jul 2019 16:07 #342331

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For me? I’m not sure. Could be it’s a solution on its own and it’s documented in the Talmud too...
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Re: Once and for all 17 Jul 2019 00:53 #342334

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Markz wrote on 16 Jul 2019 16:07:
For me? I’m not sure. Could be it’s a solution on its own and it’s documented in the Talmud too...

Really where is that- would love to know the source? The only one I know about is in Kiddushin-  Barasi yetzer ha’rah, barasi Torah tavlin lo.  Possible source I can think of is the days between Yom Kippur and sukkos, you are so busy so you have no time to sin. But that isn’t entirely on point I don’t think, nor am I sure if it’s literal. 

For those keeping score at home- my day was super BUSY so no time to even think about stuff. BUSY works for me lol. 

Re: Once and for all 17 Jul 2019 02:34 #342336

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Hey
not sure if you started your tafsic yet? 
I actually renewed mine today! I found the template provided in the handbook to be helpful. You just plug the information into the blanks and read the nusach from the handbook.
hatzlacha

Re: Once and for all 17 Jul 2019 03:22 #342338

Not trying to put down anyone but staying clean because one's  busy or because one made a shvauh is nice but very short term, but that's not dealing with the issue of lusting and as long as one hasn't done so, those temporary tools won't last too long...

For me it didn't help.... 
Feel free to pm me, I'm a bochur, attend weekly live "SMART recovery" meetings.

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: Once and for all 17 Jul 2019 10:17 #342345

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Onceandforall wrote on 17 Jul 2019 00:53:

Markz wrote on 16 Jul 2019 16:07:
For me? I’m not sure. Could be it’s a solution on its own and it’s documented in the Talmud too...

Really where is that- would love to know the source? The only one I know about is in Kiddushin-  Barasi yetzer ha’rah, barasi Torah tavlin lo.  Possible source I can think of is the days between Yom Kippur and sukkos, you are so busy so you have no time to sin. But that isn’t entirely on point I don’t think, nor am I sure if it’s literal. 

For those keeping score at home- my day was super BUSY so no time to even think about stuff. BUSY works for me lol. 

My 2 cents is that I don't need to be busy per se, rather mindful. For example, even if I take ten minutes to relax, that's "busy" per se if the relaxation is constructive. If I feel I'm not busy, it's usually because I am in a situation and I wish I were somewhere else (like if I were out with my kids, sometimes I want to be at work, etc) so now my mind's somewhere else and I can't really be "present", and I'm therefore not busy with what I'm currently required to do..

Not to say I'm always holding on such a mindful level, but a long stretch of sobriety brings a clarity of thought with it and I've tastes glimpses of it.
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


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Re: Once and for all 17 Jul 2019 14:36 #342352

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Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 17 Jul 2019 03:22:
Not trying to put down anyone but staying clean because one's  busy or because one made a shvauh is nice but very short term, but that's not dealing with the issue of lusting and as long as one hasn't done so, those temporary tools won't last too long...

For me it didn't help.... 

I liked the last line the best. For me, it didn't work either. (At first I was too busy to lust, then when the lust hit, I was too busy lusting), but for others - who knows...

Keeping busy is definitely one of the tools, and like Singularity said, we don't need to be constantly active, breaks are ok and good, but I I need to know why I am taking a break. To recharge and get back to work, or to zone out and escape from life a bit (or a lot). Recharge is great, but zone out means eventual act out for me.

Oh, and one more crutual ingredient - real self honesty. I've taken many breaks when I said I was just recharging, while if I was really really honest with myself I would have realized my true motivation. But real self honesty doesn't come overnight. I've made lots of mistakes - but as Ari Goldwag sings ".....I'm not perfect...I'm not perfect....but I want you to know that I'm starting to grow...."
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FSKOT! (Fell Shmell--Keep on Trucking) (The Rebba R' Bards)

Re: Once and for all 18 Jul 2019 00:22 #342362

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Jon86 wrote on 17 Jul 2019 02:34:
Hey
not sure if you started your tafsic yet? 
I actually renewed mine today! I found the template provided in the handbook to be helpful. You just plug the information into the blanks and read the nusach from the handbook.


I haven’t yet- thanks for the push. I have been meaning to but just didn’t sit down to think of some good ones to use for myself. I iy”h will do it this weekend. 

Re: Once and for all 18 Jul 2019 13:27 #342380

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Day 9

BH still going well. I just wanted to say thank you for this tremendous community of people. I already know that this time is different than when I tried to stop on my own. It’s still
early but I am cautiously optimistic that with all of your help - I can really do this and continue to fight for the rest of my life- ad meah v’esrim. 

I just wanted to add a thought:

from a a lot of the reading I have been doing, everyone mentions thanking HaShem for all of the help they get, for gye, and for every day/moment that they overcome and beat the yetzer hara. I think we need to thank HaShem for giving us the y”h in the first instance. Clearly this is many of ours ultimate tafkid in life to overcome this and without this we couldn’t reach the levels that we all will be’H reach or have already reached (even one moment of willpower is higher than malachim...). So thank YOU for giving me this fight and giving me the strength to overcome and reap all the rewards that we will get. 

Also, thank you for the times in my life where things were bad and things didn’t work out and the lows and the hits and the cries and the pain— it’s all headed to something great and if that’s what it took to knock sense into me to get serious about this for real and reach out- then while it’s hard to admit- it was all worth it and I accept if fully with gratitude.

This is is a high level of recognition that I don’t think I’m actually on- but it’s a place I want to get to and really believe it.  

Re: Once and for all 19 Jul 2019 00:44 #342396

  • ColinColin
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Keeping as busy as possible is clever.
But not if you get too tired...which is when you get vulnerable...so rest as well.
Keeping busy can be by being busy alone...i.e. studying, praying, reading, walking etc. etc.

Re: Once and for all 19 Jul 2019 22:50 #342419

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Just wanted to get on before shabbos to give myself some Chizuk before. And if anyone else happens to be reading this message before shabbos- please daven for me and I’ll daven for you and let’s together make a commitment to fight a little harder and a little longer if the going gets thought over shabbos. 

Good shabbos to all!!!

Re: Once and for all 21 Jul 2019 06:01 #342429

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Hey Onceandforall!

Your enthusiasm is a real inspiration for me!

It's funny you mention that we should thank Hashem for this yetzer hara. The Gemara actually seems to say that they tried to eliminate this yetzer hara and then no children were going to born and the world wouldn't perpetuate, so they had to put the yetzer hara back. But if it weren't for that, we would be better without this difficult yetzer hara. Also, there is a medrash in vayechi about a member of chazal who the yetzer hara tried proving he could get him to look at temptations and he gouged his eyes out with hot metal to not succumb to the yetzer hara (The yetzer hara restored his eyesight after promising he wouldn't test  him again.)

The point I am trying to make is that, although there is tremendous reward for every act of maintaining our kedushah, we still must try and make the nisayon as little as possible to be able have our best chance at staying kaddosh. 

Also, only you can know whether for you "staying busy" is really the solution, or if you need something more impactful to change your old habit and keep a new habit.

Thank you again for using GYE and being a chizuk to all of us!

Re: Once and for all 21 Jul 2019 17:07 #342452

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Thank you. I actually recently came across that gemara inside and while it’s not exactly as you say over, it’s the basic gist. Worth seeing inside though. 

Day 12
shabbos had its thought moments with some strong urges. I am glad I made sure to “check in” before shabbos on the forum which I think may have helped.
today is rough! It’s been a real fight even without me seeing anything triggering. I think it might be a combo of being a little tired from the fast, a little overwhelmed because I have lot to do today/this week and overall it’s just getting to the tough time of staying clean. 

My yh  keeps telling me it’s too hard to stay clean and it’s so good to just fall and it won’t really change who you are because u still do other good things.  And then my mind shoots images of shmutz and I try to shake it away but it’s intermittently comes back. 

i will have to stay busy today too because it’s a scary day ahead. 

Wishing all of us siyata dishmaya 
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