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Starting over again, seriously
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Starting over again, seriously 1881 Views

Starting over again, seriously 19 Dec 2018 21:34 #337925

  • Thistimeillwin
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I'm ready for another stab at breaking free.

I was on this website and the forums extensively during Tishrei and Cheshvan, and 'made it' for over 3 weeks.  Unfortunately, when I fell, I fell hard, and though I tried getting up a few times, I was quickly overpowered.  I was in one of the worst conditions for the past few months, worse than before I tried.

I've resolved to make time (almost) every day to post here, I found it very therapeutic to chat with 'friends' here, and it helped.  When I sunk again into depravity, I was ashamed to even log in! So I know the website is doing something for me.

I also started the moment 'yemei niddah' came.  I found it much easier to have zero tolerance, than to juggle similar actions with different intentions.  Something I need to work on.

I also have taken this try on as a zechus for my child, who should have a refuah sheleima.  I expect to be in stressful medical situations over the near future, and not acting out should give them a speedy recovery.

I will try to be on the chat for just a few minutes a day to read and respond, you can all band around me and cheer me on (and up). איש את רעהו יעזורו ולאחיו יאמר חזק!

Re: Starting over again, seriously 19 Dec 2018 22:04 #337926

  • Iwtbf613
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Welcome back! I also came back after a pretty extensive period of time of bouncing back and forth between sobriety and lusting. It's very easy to feel that sense of shame to the point where you can't imagine logging in, but it's those moments that this website are made for. We are always working on just one day at a time. Keep up the good work!

Re: Starting over again, seriously 20 Dec 2018 00:19 #337927

  • Markz
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Thistimeillwin wrote on 16 Sep 2018 11:31:
I am so down I don't know if I can last through the day.  I have other significant challenges in life, and they take up all my willpower.  I hope Hashem will give me the koach to get through this as well...

Maybe they are interconnected?

Do you have any support for your other challenges?
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Re: Starting over again, seriously 20 Dec 2018 05:22 #337930

  • Hashem Help Me
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Welcome back. Posting every day will iyh keep you focused. Maybe you can share what triggered that big fall?
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Starting over again, seriously 20 Dec 2018 20:57 #337936

  • stillgoing
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Hashem Help Me wrote on 20 Dec 2018 05:22:
Welcome back. Posting every day will iyh keep you focused. 

I think that was for you too Markz. 
BIG SHOT!
Free Choice?!
Yirai's Memories
STORY TIME :)

Dr. Seuss - You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.

FSKOT! (Fell Shmell--Keep on Trucking) (The Rebba R' Bards)

Re: Starting over again, seriously 23 Dec 2018 14:12 #337974

  • Thistimeillwin
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Maybe you can share what triggered that big fall?

It was my first time in years trying to remain 'sober' for a significant amount of time.  The first few days were complete torture, but then the 'itch' subsided.  But after 3 weeks I was just exhausted, and needed to revert to my usual stress-relief.  I also found that over the three weeks of 'somewhat sober', I was looking for ways to bypass the fences I set for myself, and I found many!

The monster inside me knew he was trapped and I was starving him to death, so he found all sorts of small sources of nourishment till he was able to break loose.  He then attacked me with such a ferociousness that I have never experienced before; acting out so many times a day till it wasn't pleasurable at all.  I got a grip on life a bit, but my fences were torn down completely, and everything was נעשית לו כהיתר for the past few months.

I posted a topic a few months ago titled 'Am I Cheating,' where I detailed my fences, which only covered the 'ג חמורות' so to say, but left out some of the אבזרייהו דעריות which I wasn't ready to conquer yet.  After my failed experiment and disastrous aftermath, I believe that it will only work if you completely choke the monster.  True, there will be falls, some small and some big.  But I don't believe my fall would have been so bad had I not been feeding my desires on the side, while trying to stay 'sober.'

Re: Starting over again, seriously 23 Dec 2018 14:20 #337975

  • Thistimeillwin
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Markz wrote on 20 Dec 2018 00:19:

Thistimeillwin wrote on 16 Sep 2018 11:31:
I am so down I don't know if I can last through the day.  I have other significant challenges in life, and they take up all my willpower.  I hope Hashem will give me the koach to get through this as well...

Maybe they are interconnected?

Do you have any support for your other challenges?

Markz,

You are pretty good, reading my previous posts and connecting the dots.  I do not have adequate support for my other challenges, and I don't believe I can get it.  If I had time and money I'd seriously consider therapy and sifrei mussar, but I can't do much now except deal with them as best I could.  I am not depressed, just dealing with very difficult real-life challenges resulting in physical and emotional stress and fatigue.

The ironic thing is, sometimes these situations don't allow you to even think about aveiros.  For the past few days since I've re-joined, I haven't had a moment to consider acting out. יפה תלמוד תורה עם דרך ארץ שיגיעת שניהם משכחת עוון.

Re: Starting over again, seriously 23 Dec 2018 23:32 #337987

  • stillgoing
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Thistimeillwin wrote on 23 Dec 2018 14:12:


Maybe you can share what triggered that big fall?

It was my first time in years trying to remain 'sober' for a significant amount of time.  The first few days were complete torture, but then the 'itch' subsided.  But after 3 weeks I was just exhausted, and needed to revert to my usual stress-relief.  I also found that over the three weeks of 'somewhat sober', I was looking for ways to bypass the fences I set for myself, and I found many!

The monster inside me knew he was trapped and I was starving him to death, so he found all sorts of small sources of nourishment till he was able to break loose.  He then attacked me with such a ferociousness that I have never experienced before; acting out so many times a day till it wasn't pleasurable at all.  I got a grip on life a bit, but my fences were torn down completely, and everything was נעשית לו כהיתר for the past few months.

I posted a topic a few months ago titled 'Am I Cheating,' where I detailed my fences, which only covered the 'ג חמורות' so to say, but left out some of the אבזרייהו דעריות which I wasn't ready to conquer yet.  After my failed experiment and disastrous aftermath, I believe that it will only work if you completely choke the monster.  True, there will be falls, some small and some big.  But I don't believe my fall would have been so bad had I not been feeding my desires on the side, while trying to stay 'sober.'

Just a thought. Monsters are really strong and big. I don't think that humans can chock them. But they get their nourishment from the garbage that we leave outside. If we can clean up our yard and not have junk sitting inside us, the monsters will get weak and head off somewhere else. We won't need to chock him...

Refuah she'lama and Hatzlacha dealing with the whole situation.
sg
BIG SHOT!
Free Choice?!
Yirai's Memories
STORY TIME :)

Dr. Seuss - You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.

FSKOT! (Fell Shmell--Keep on Trucking) (The Rebba R' Bards)

Re: Starting over again, seriously 24 Dec 2018 22:28 #338003

  • Thistimeillwin
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6 days, but my resolve is wavering slightly.

Really rough day on a personal level, tzoros that hit home, challenges all around, walking around in a daze... If I had a focused and successful day I don't think I'd be taking sneak-peeks at women I encounter, but not every day is a good day.

How do you get past the tough day where you want to escape reality by  m**bating, curling up and going to sleep till tomorrow??

Sorry I'm being morbid, but it's been that kind of day today.  At least I haven't fallen (yet)...

Re: Starting over again, seriously 25 Dec 2018 02:14 #338006

  • Hakolhevel
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I suggest reading cordnoys entire thread from beginning to end. I think after that you won't have much time to act out...

On a more serious note. A few ideas.
1. Call a friend
2. Stop fighting - sometimes we keep fighting because secretly we want to lose. As odd as it sounds, just say I'm not gonna win this fight so I'm gonna get out of this ring and do something else.
3. Turning off your electronic devices which are your gateway to porn.

Hatzlacha.

Re: Starting over again, seriously 25 Dec 2018 20:27 #338025

  • Thistimeillwin
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7 Days.  Today feeling a bit better about myself and the world, but got into a situation which was difficult.  I have fences for internet, but real life is not as easy:
An employee came to discuss something with me.  Not just any employee; THE employee. The one I have been lusting after and fantasizing about, the subject of many acting-out sessions.  The one who is very frum and tzanua, but her mannerisms seem very flirty (I don't think she has a clue, if I thought she did, I'd be חייב מיתה by now).  She came to discuss some things with me (not work-related, but she initiated), and during the 10 minute conversation, I cannot count the amount of terrible thoughts that went through my mind.  I generally try to avoid her and one other trigger at work, but אני לא באתי בגבולה, היא באתה בגבולי.  Too hard for me at this point...

Re: Starting over again, seriously 26 Dec 2018 16:33 #338037

  • airmale613
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Hold the line brother. I like to go onto Torah Anytime and listen to the shiurim on the subject. In the end I always see it is simply not worth it for a few seconds of pleasure. The damage is too great. 

Re: Starting over again, seriously 27 Dec 2018 22:24 #338070

  • Thistimeillwin
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Day 9.  I made it this far, with quite a number of stressful or triggering situations.  But there are two situations I find the hardest: Vaccum Cleaner and Washing Machine, neither of which I have experienced in significant form this round.  Ok, I'll explain: Vaccum Cleaner is boredom. When things are going slow and you have a bit of free time on your hands... Rabbi Miller zt"l used to say "Your mind is not a vacuum; if you want to keep out bad thoughts, then put in good ones."  When there is an extra 5 minutes alone, it usually results in masturbation.  Washing Machine is when you are put 'through the wringer' at home.  Fights with the mrs. usually end up with me acting out to porn of fantasies as soon as I can be alone.  It is harder than the vacuum for me.  When I have a fight at home, I lose all my desire to keep pushing in any positive direction, and my impulses sweep right over me.  I feel as if (though I know it isn't true) that I have zero bechira at such times.
Hashem should spare me from both nisyonos until I am stronger than I am now, and I wouldn't mind if he took them away completely (though the first needs to be available for positive use).

Re: Starting over again, seriously 31 Dec 2018 00:00 #338106

  • Thistimeillwin
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Day 12.  Still kicking! Took a brisk walk today for half an hour, I think I need to be 'into it' for a couple of weeks for the affect everyone's claiming it will have to substitute other 'highs' we are used to and craving....

Anticipating yet dreading Mikva night coming soon; it's helpful to have 'pas b'salo' to calm the urge, besides being very fulfulling for both of us to get closer, but I still find it confusing and often act out afterwards without the urge of abstinence.  This is why I timed this effort to start when there would be zero tolerance...

Re: Starting over again, seriously 04 Jan 2019 03:55 #338193

  • Thistimeillwin
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Day 17. As I mentioned earlier, I'm having it harder now that wife is permitted to me.  It's easier when I have to shut off completely, but now, each morning after, I have an inexplainable strong urge to masturbate, and it comes and goes the entire day.  B"H I'm not giving in.
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