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TOPIC: Here I am 2996 Views

Here I am 16 Sep 2018 11:31 #335535

  • Thistimeillwin
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Here I am, joining the website (for the second time, the first one didn't last).  I am considered a very frum yid by many, but deep down lies the secret life I have.  I started having problems over 25 years ago, lusting after girls, shz"l, porn and internet.  For a while it was also visiting bad places and doing bad things, but my life journey doesn't allow for that anymore for the past few years (though I recently got strong urges to figure out a way to return).
My work requires long office hours when nobody is around, so I struggle daily with temptation to bypass filter (yes I figured it out) in the office room with no video camera (figured that out as well)... I have worked now on a solution for my main office which I cannot break through, but I have another office...
Every time I resolve to change, it lasts only days before I fall back.  I read about the 90 day program, and I wanted to do it so many times (be free by R"CH Elul, be free by R"H etc.) but it never lasted.  Even after this R"H it was hours before I fell again.  Yesterday (Shabbos Shuva) the Rov spoke about teshuva strongly, and I got enough hisorerus that I sat down this morning (alone in my office, struggling with the urge) and joined the website.
Recently I watched the malach hamoves take people around me, and it did shake me up.  WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WHEN IT'S MY TURN TO GIVE DIN VCHESHBON?? I've been stalling way too long.  25 years means I've spent considerably more time in tuma and aveira than in kedusha.
Though I am considered frum, ehrlich, yoshor and ish emes, people do not know my true colors.  I would be thrown out of my house, my shul, my position, my family, my world if anyone had an inkling of what I struggle with.
I am so down I don't know if I can last through the day.  I have other significant challenges in life, and they take up all my willpower.  I hope Hashem will give me the koach to get through this as well...

Re: Here I am 16 Sep 2018 13:03 #335537

  • mzl
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Thistimeillwin wrote on 16 Sep 2018 11:31:
Here I am, joining the website (for the second time, the first one didn't last).  I am considered a very frum yid by many, but deep down lies the secret life I have.  I started having problems over 25 years ago, lusting after girls, shz"l, porn and internet.  For a while it was also visiting bad places and doing bad things, but my life journey doesn't allow for that anymore for the past few years (though I recently got strong urges to figure out a way to return).
My work requires long office hours when nobody is around, so I struggle daily with temptation to bypass filter (yes I figured it out) in the office room with no video camera (figured that out as well)... I have worked now on a solution for my main office which I cannot break through, but I have another office...
Every time I resolve to change, it lasts only days before I fall back.  I read about the 90 day program, and I wanted to do it so many times (be free by R"CH Elul, be free by R"H etc.) but it never lasted.  Even after this R"H it was hours before I fell again.  Yesterday (Shabbos Shuva) the Rov spoke about teshuva strongly, and I got enough hisorerus that I sat down this morning (alone in my office, struggling with the urge) and joined the website.
Recently I watched the malach hamoves take people around me, and it did shake me up.  WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WHEN IT'S MY TURN TO GIVE DIN VCHESHBON?? I've been stalling way too long.  25 years means I've spent considerably more time in tuma and aveira than in kedusha.
Though I am considered frum, ehrlich, yoshor and ish emes, people do not know my true colors.  I would be thrown out of my house, my shul, my position, my family, my world if anyone had an inkling of what I struggle with.
I am so down I don't know if I can last through the day.  I have other significant challenges in life, and they take up all my willpower.  I hope Hashem will give me the koach to get through this as well...

You really don't know that your sex addiction is your "true" colors either. It's one aspect of your complex mind. And what others would do to you if they saw your hidden side can't define you either.

What are the other challenges? Hopefully they are of a practical nature, not a psychological one?

When you give din v'chesbon you'll be able to say that despite the fact that you like p*** etc you forced yourself to be a frum man (which is a hugely demanding commitment) and thus forced yourself to bear this spiritual challenge in the most painful way possible. And for extra credit you can say that you hung out on the GYE forum to be motivated to transform yourself.

I think it's very difficult to deal with the internet situation you described.

Have you looked at the options that are available for changing your behavior? They have a handbook here which reviews them.

Re: Here I am 16 Sep 2018 13:04 #335538

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Re: Here I am 17 Sep 2018 01:07 #335563

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Welcome. Stick around and iyh you will get better. There are lots of chevra here ready to help. Many people here had a lot to lose if their cover would have been blown.....
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Here I am 17 Sep 2018 02:40 #335565

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welcome,  stay strong you can heal Iy'H like so many before you did
Hatzlacha 

Re: Here I am 17 Sep 2018 11:39 #335577

  • Thistimeillwin
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Thanks for the encouragement!
I believe that I've rotted myself to the core.  I don't feel any kedusha anymore like I used to, and it has taken over me in a strong way.  I know there is teshuva, but till I get there I've got a lot of purging and burning to do.
My challenges in life are of a practical nature, but the stresses I am under would break many.  People ask me how I can sleep at night... One of the main reasons I joined now was as a zechus that Hashem will help me succeed in my 'other side.'  Of course, I want to be clean, but that is what motivated me at this particular time.  I really need Yeshuos! (though just succeeding at this would be a tremendous accomplishment and satisfaction to me in itself).
My din v'cheshbon will not have such a defense since I was brought up in  a frum environment and didn't have much of a choice.  I love it and believe in it with all my heart, but it's not like I had alternatives.
My other office has K9, but I am able to bypass it to get some 'shmutz.' I have way less access now than I did a few weeks ago (since fixing up my main office), but my other office is a locked room in an office building, anything can happen.
I haven't had the time yet to systematically go through the website, I have no time at all (just a few minutes a day to post for now).  After Sukkos I'd like to make myself a daily 'seder' in it during the time of day I used to be nichshal.

Re: Here I am 17 Sep 2018 11:50 #335578

  • Thistimeillwin
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I don't kniow how I will do it.  I see you have been clean for a while, I've never had a streak for more than a month or two (and that was decades ago).  Even then, I was so hypersensitive that I remember the slightest thing which pushed me back over the edge.  It was not what any normal person would consider arousal.
Yesterday was Day 1 for me - it was torture.  Every few minutes I have the urge to go somewhere private and act out.  I did spend under 5 minutes looking at (non-p***) pictures I shouldn't have.  All this is so second-nature to me, it's been over 25 years of this life.
I do believe my s**drive is abnormal, and has been so since age 11 or earlier.  I feel very alone, and only slightly comforted by chatting here...

Re: Here I am 17 Sep 2018 12:13 #335579

  • mzl
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Thistimeillwin wrote on 17 Sep 2018 11:50:
I don't kniow how I will do it.  I see you have been clean for a while, I've never had a streak for more than a month or two (and that was decades ago).  Even then, I was so hypersensitive that I remember the slightest thing which pushed me back over the edge.  It was not what any normal person would consider arousal.
Yesterday was Day 1 for me - it was torture.  Every few minutes I have the urge to go somewhere private and act out.  I did spend under 5 minutes looking at (non-p***) pictures I shouldn't have.  All this is so second-nature to me, it's been over 25 years of this life.
I do believe my s**drive is abnormal, and has been so since age 11 or earlier.  I feel very alone, and only slightly comforted by chatting here...

You sound like SA material to me.

Re: Here I am 17 Sep 2018 13:05 #335582

  • cordnoy
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Good mornin',
Welcome to this site. Hopefully, you will stick around and see success. I too have been strugglin' for several decades. Before you can be properly diagnosed (and even then it can probably be done only by a professional and one who knows you personally), can you tell us what you have been tryin' all these years? 

Godspeed
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
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If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.
Last Edit: 17 Sep 2018 13:23 by cordnoy. Reason: Mornin' was spelled wrong

Re: Here I am 17 Sep 2018 21:06 #335595

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Sorry to hear you have so many challenges in your "other" life. May Hashem give you yishuv ha'daas. You are very hard on yourself. Facts are facts and whatever you have done, happened. However you are not doomed. Hashem sees the whole you, all the good things you do despite your being pretty down about your lack of success in this area. Maybe view this as an illness like diabetes. There is help available. Others who arrived here just like you got better. Hatzlocha.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Here I am 18 Sep 2018 11:06 #335622

  • Thistimeillwin
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I have tried turning over a new leaf constantly.  In my younger years it was every week or two (I'd rip up magazines and make shevuos), but as I get older it is further and further between.  I feel I don't have the willpower to deal with the struggle anymore (due to constant failure and due to other stresses taking front and center).
I have disabled my home computer from playing DVDs (I have no internet at home) and put filters on my office network, but I am savvy enough to get around them somewhat.  But the problem started WAY before I had internet access, so that is not the only solution.
When I am trying hard I make short-term shevu'os to avoid certain triggers (I just made one for Aseres yemei teshuva not to visit 2 specific sites I've been frequenting - but my new filter just closed my bypass anyway), but I am to scared to do long-term or to make a shevua on the actual deed since I was once oiver on a shevua.
When deprived I find that very small triggers send me 'over the edge' so I'm not sure what I can do other than 'roughing it out' (I have yet to extensively read GYEs literature, maybe after sukkos there will be more time).I do believe in chazal, and they say that the more you deprive it, the less 'hungry' it is...
However, as a bochur I had a long 'clean streak' when I went to E"Y (didn't want the Land to vomit me out like anshei Canaan).  But after about 2 months, one night I saw the slightest of triggers, and immediately fell.  And now too, the longer I hold out, the more sensitive and urgent the need is.  Maybe I have to go for 90 days to feel the difference...
Being married at this point helps a little with kosher alternative, but I get a very small portion for my large appetite.  I don't want to be more demanding than others can handle, and sharing my problem would be the worst thing for my marriage.  So I have been 'taking care of myself' most of the time so I don't mess my marriage up more (how warped does that sound??).
I know willpower alone will not get me through it, which is why I joined GYE.  At this point at least it's a game, updating every morning, and having anonymous people cheer me on.  It got me through 2 days of torture so far, and the next 2 days are a bit easier (I've always controlled myself on Yom Kippur, but have fallen Erev Yom Kippur even after mikva and mincha!).  So I'll try to keep the game going till after Sukkos, then I will look into the literature a bit more.  And if I lose this session of the game, I'll know that it's because I didn't read all the instructions and I'll try again bl"n.

Re: Here I am 18 Sep 2018 12:01 #335623

  • mzl
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Thistimeillwin wrote on 18 Sep 2018 11:06:
I have tried turning over a new leaf constantly.  In my younger years it was every week or two (I'd rip up magazines and make shevuos), but as I get older it is further and further between.  I feel I don't have the willpower to deal with the struggle anymore (due to constant failure and due to other stresses taking front and center).
I have disabled my home computer from playing DVDs (I have no internet at home) and put filters on my office network, but I am savvy enough to get around them somewhat.  But the problem started WAY before I had internet access, so that is not the only solution.
When I am trying hard I make short-term shevu'os to avoid certain triggers (I just made one for Aseres yemei teshuva not to visit 2 specific sites I've been frequenting - but my new filter just closed my bypass anyway), but I am to scared to do long-term or to make a shevua on the actual deed since I was once oiver on a shevua.
When deprived I find that very small triggers send me 'over the edge' so I'm not sure what I can do other than 'roughing it out' (I have yet to extensively read GYEs literature, maybe after sukkos there will be more time).I do believe in chazal, and they say that the more you deprive it, the less 'hungry' it is...
However, as a bochur I had a long 'clean streak' when I went to E"Y (didn't want the Land to vomit me out like anshei Canaan).  But after about 2 months, one night I saw the slightest of triggers, and immediately fell.  And now too, the longer I hold out, the more sensitive and urgent the need is.  Maybe I have to go for 90 days to feel the difference...
Being married at this point helps a little with kosher alternative, but I get a very small portion for my large appetite.  I don't want to be more demanding than others can handle, and sharing my problem would be the worst thing for my marriage.  So I have been 'taking care of myself' most of the time so I don't mess my marriage up more (how warped does that sound??).
I know willpower alone will not get me through it, which is why I joined GYE.  At this point at least it's a game, updating every morning, and having anonymous people cheer me on.  It got me through 2 days of torture so far, and the next 2 days are a bit easier (I've always controlled myself on Yom Kippur, but have fallen Erev Yom Kippur even after mikva and mincha!).  So I'll try to keep the game going till after Sukkos, then I will look into the literature a bit more.  And if I lose this session of the game, I'll know that it's because I didn't read all the instructions and I'll try again bl"n.

Why not show up at an in-person meeting today before kol nidre? Maybe there is one in your area. Woody Allen said "60% of life consists of just showing up."

Re: Here I am 18 Sep 2018 12:39 #335625

  • Thistimeillwin
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Sorry, not ready for it yet.  And I don't respect Woody's opinions, especially not when it comes to Kedusha!

Re: Here I am 18 Sep 2018 14:43 #335630

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There is a lot to comment regarding your post. Time is short, so a little can be addressed now. Firstly, the "need" to ejaculate, whether done in a kosher manner or through masturbation, simply does not exist. We "need" to eat, drink and sleep. We "enjoy" ejaculation, and unfortunately can fall into the bad habit of "thinking we need it", sometimes to the extent of addiction. I use to do it multiple times a day. And also at most inappropriate times - during tikun leil Hoshana Rabba, immediately after the mikva the day of my chasuna, and many other non sensible times. BH I am now clean almost 650 days with a tremendous yishuv ha'daas.  Read my thread "My Story and G-d Bless GYE" in the balei batim forum to get a picture what worked for me. Secondly, although this is definitely a kedusha issue, for the sake of recovery, put that on the side. Of course daven to Hashem for help. However as long as you will view yourself as a rasha or loser or tamei person, it is extremely difficult to break free. Hashem recognizes the whole you as a good person. I assume you definitely do many mitzvos each day and obviously have good retzonos - which is why you are here. You are not a hypocrite. If you were, you would not be on GYE. To cement that concept that you really are good it helps being in touch with the various people here. The chevra here are normal frum successful people, shomrei Toah u'mitzvos. And guess what? They used to do all this same garbage. And BH have gotten better. I hope some of what was written here is helpful. Gmar chasima tova. Hatzlocha.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Here I am 18 Sep 2018 20:25 #335638

  • mzl
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Thistimeillwin wrote on 18 Sep 2018 12:39:
Sorry, not ready for it yet.  And I don't respect Woody's opinions, especially not when it comes to Kedusha!

The point is to show up when you are not ready and save yourself a few more years of agony. But nobody can make you do it, you need a z'chus.
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