This post isn’t so much about my struggle but more like a place to vent my feelings about the future. I am 22.  For the first time in many years I got up to 130 days thanks to my sponsor. It felt great. I fell last week and haven’t gone back to the shmutz. It hurt to fall, but I realized I used to fall 2/3 times a week so I am happy of my achievement. 

but other than that I am worried about falling in the near future. I feel quite lonely. I am so alone during Ben hazmanim. I had my first date this week. I was so nervous. I was told she didn’t like it. She doesn’t want to continue. It doesn’t help that my friends are getting engaged now. 3 just came back from Israel after Pesach and are engaged. It makes me jealous and worried about my future. Will I find a girl that suits me?

This addiction has made me so insular and quite sad and alone. It doesn’t help that I come from a broken home and want to marry from a regular yeshivish home. Will I find what I desire? I feel sad and worried.  

Welcome back

That's great news that you made 90 plus plus!




Is it possibly the other way round?

Check the video in my sig below.
Insular sad lonely fellows hit the 'esc' button to lust.

There's a lot of help to be found here, Hatzlacha :-)

abieham wrote on 07 Aug 2018 23:33:

I was pretty worried too before I got married. 

All the brain fixing that you had last 130 are absolutely there.
There are studies that back it up. Saw it in studies shown in web joinfortify.com
A few spars falls of the addiction during a long time of abstinence do not affect significantly the recovery of the brain and the healthy rewiring.

In other words. One fall after 130 means that it does not affect your addiction.
Meaning. If you keep up the good attitude, this fall is meaningless.

I was 120 days clean in 2016 (113 maybe, do not remember). And I fell after a pick of stress and I had the attitude that, that's it. I am addicted again.
If I had known back then that one fall nor two nor 5 does destroy scientifically the recovery , scientifically proven with studies. Maybe I would have continued with the healthy attitude of the 120 days.

In other words. Reality, you will be sick if continue falling like before in the next weeks.
If you stop already, honestly you are still as fixed as if you had not fallen. If you keep the clean attitude.

Now is your decision, not in that minuscule fall.

I will need to stay clan 120+- again to find myself in this situation again.
You are already.

And the stresses of life, the point is that a non addict has usually a more rich reward system, and just has to ignore the stresses, or pray Hashem. But the easy scape of before?
Healthy person do not escape when there is a little of stress. Just maybe prays, studies Torah, refreshes himself, go to sleep. I do not know. I also have to learn to cope with stress.

Say healthy persons have healthy ways I believe. And honestly, the healthiest way comes to mind is prayer. King David is the best example in mind.

Tonight I had a real trigger. I was tired and frustrated with things not working they want I want      them to. Then I read the chovot Halevavot that speaks out how we deserve nothing and everything we have is a gift from Hashem. That’s surrendering. Yes I can lust and fall,but how is that going to make me feel. I don’t care about the number on the chart. I need to make the best decision for now. Falling only hurts.  I hate the feeling of searching for schmutz for hours and then checking the time and see how much time passed. It’s sad. It’s not worth it to fall. 
I must learn to just be happy with what I have and not to be jealous of other people’s family or their popularity or their wealth or brains. Hppy with myself and my situation.  Because I’m lucky I got that. Which by the way is a great Bracha from Hashem. I’m sick of being down I want to go forward and succeed.  

abieham wrote on 07 Aug 2018 23:33:

Wow it sounds a lot like my present situation i totally relate. The loneliness, Stress of shidduchim etc,
keep posting and sharing your feelings. don't keep them bottled up inside you!

 Love Yankel!

I have been having a hard time in waking up lately. Last night I was really desiring to lust and jump into the feelings of lust but tried on pushing them away. I called my sponsor and did other things. I ended up later going to the feelings at around 2 am and called a phonesex line. I tried to see if I remembered my credit card info. I didn’t bh and just threw away my phone away from my bed and went to sleep. Today this feeling has been following me around Andy I still want to fall. I took so,e time off from yeshiva to come home and listen to some meditation recordings online. It feels great. I plan on going back nowwith more strength and focus. We can do this.

Doing much better Baruch HaShem. Just one thing really gets me crazy. I go to a store and just walk down the block and there is just nowhere to look. That’s even with modest women but even harder when they are wearing what they want. I get so tense and nervous. I know cursing them doesn’t help but what can I do? I want to look but I know that if I stare I will just make me feel low and pathetic. Last summer I went to the beach to stare at the women and that was a low step for me. I didn’t go this summer but the desire to go doesn’t leave. 

abieham wrote on 16 Sep 2018 04:14:

I read your other posts just now, you sound depressed, which is a dangerous thing because it kills your motivation. Are you feeling down because you came back from Israel? Did you like it better there? If so, why?

Regarding dating, try doing it a lot, and to have a lot of rejections. Dating is like interviewing for a job: for every promising interview you must have so many bad interviews. So every rejection brings you closer to your goal. Think "I was successfully rejected, I'm closer to finding my soulmate."

For maximum spiritual success you should not aim to marry a great, valuable woman. Look for the woman that is best for you. Daven for that. It could be a person you don't expect. And also make a list of what's important to you in a mate.

"Broken home" is a label. It's a distortion. It says nothing about you. A lot of people's parents are divorced. I don't think trying to marry someone whose parents are not divorced is a good goal. It's hard to find the best mate even without without irrelevant constraints . The status of her parents' marriage is irrelevant. In fact she could be neurotic if her parents stayed married but don't really love each other. You can still convey to her your hurt about your parents getting divorced and your anxiety about that happening again. Be direct about that.

I have a feeling that if you are depressed and you get past it you'll get back on track regarding your sexual addiction as well.

What I do when I'm in a place when there are triggers everywhere is take a deep breath and surrender to Hashem. Over and over again and eventually He takes it from me. Even if I just think it. I don't have to say it out loud especially if I'm in public place. I don't want others to think I'm crazy