Greetings everyone, 
I've been on the site for a while, mostly reading the forums but occasionally posting, nothing too fancy. 

I'm in kollel for a few years already, actually learning for smicha now. I struggle with watching innapropriate things and I suffer from the guilt and pain from living a somewhat double life which very much contradicts itself. I know that in reality there's no contradiction whatsoever. I'm a good person fighting to grow and become better in areas that I struggle, but at the same time I have this nagging feeling that what I'm doing is so destructive to myself and my marriage, so how could I do it. How could I have the zchus to teach children torah when I'm doing disgusting things by myself. How can I face my wife when I sometimes hope she's not in the mood because I've already masturbated 3 times that day so I'm not interested in her. These are feelings that I have sometimes. For the most part I can keep these feelings at bay and tell myself that I'm just another yid trying to get closer to hashem and overcome the challenges he's given me. 

Anyways, I feel that enough is enough, let's try this 90 days for real. Today is my first clean day ( my wife's also lol cute coincidence) and I'll try to post every day with where I'm holding. Im yirtza hashem I'll make it 90 days and we'll go from there. 

Welcome 

I was in the same boat - really 
Stick around, the Truck works!

Your last paragraph was funny - Dov would give you a whole Shiur about those brackets. 
Check the search bar and enjoy!

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. From now on you can face your talmidim with you head held high.

Welcome, if you're here you are not alone anymore. What you feel about leading a double life is very typical and today is the day you change that and start to become one whole person. Behatzlocha!

Hi glad you joined! Make sure to keep in touch with the chevra, there is nothing like a good chaver who has "been there done that" to guide you along your journey to sobriety. Most people on the forum who have tasted success did it through connecting with a mentor.

Wishing you success,

 Love Yankel!

Had a great first day, pretty easy. I find it hard to use clichès like “my first day of never seeing anything innapropriate again!" Or "I feel relieved to be rid of this already". I'm committed to working hard and hope to get a good response from people who share the struggle and maybe they'll encourage me along the way. Just a regular yid trying to fight my yetzer hara. If I have any deeper feelings I'll share 

And I almost forgot : thanks everyone who posted for the warm welcome and words of encouragement. 

Welcome Jman i like your name - comes right after mine... 
You should have alot of Siyata Dshmaya 

Feeling pretty triggered, having a stupid argument with my wife, that's usually fodder for the y"h. I really want to just wait for my wife to fall asleep and take the computer to the bathroom and watch things on Netflix or Amazon. I know the fact that I have that option is a problem, I just don't know how to solve it. Anyways, I'm not gonna do that no matter how badly I want to. 

Amen, thanks i-man

Day 8 
Starting to feel a little lusty. Doesn't help the fact that there are so many people around dressed in ways to get the mind in to the wrong place, the summer is always the hardest. 

It's a little hard to share, but a big reason I fall alot of times is I'll kind of tell myself "you did great, you owe it to yourself". I know nothing could be further from the truth and the opposite is even true. But I just find myself thinking that it's really not such a big deal once in a while. And that's not even how I feel deep down. I know how destructive it is and how important it is to stay away, yet I find myself very often downplaying it in my head, telling myself "I need this now and then I'll start keeping clean again". 

Anyways, that's my rant

I think it's difficult because there is a grain of truth in it. After all, it is a lot of work to stay clean. I think you may need to change something so that you are not just complying but committing, you like the clean lifestyle more than the periodic masturbation lifestyle. Maybe you can get more involved with people here. Or you could try in person meetings so you have more of a chevra.

I had this experience with dieting. I can't stay dieting so far. I think I may need to get involved in something which requires me to be thin.

Actors starve themselves (or get fat) and they are highly motivated because their careers require it.

By sharing, you convert this larger than life monster into a defined situation with boundaries. You feel lust due to the way people are dressed and would like to act out on it. Simple as that. Next step is to realize there is no pressing need to act out. You will iyh be alive and well without masturbating or flipping on the computer to watch pornography. That "release" is fake. Do you want to feel good? Get on a treadmill and run for twenty minutes till your heart rate goes all the way up. Then you will feel good. Hatzlocha chaver. Stay in touch.

In my own struggle, I never started to see real success until my computer was totally filtered. I have a whitelist, and can't access anything not on the list. There is a protocol for how to add sites to the list, but I an not make any changes on my own. Until I did this, I felt like I was fighting the yetzer with one hand tied behind my back! I would vow to stay clean, and for a few days I would, and then I'd go online, and things unraveled from there. It may have taken a few days, but I would fail again. Once I was willing to give it up, my fight became much easier. I use the filter from gentechsolution.com, and it costs some money, but this really is the best money that I ever spent!
Hatzlacha!

Thanks for all the encouragement guys! 
Mzl - as far as going to actual meetings I'm definitely not interested in going down that path. If my "need" to view innapropriate things progresses to the point of where I feel addicted then maybe. But whether or not I am addicted, and I feel strongly that I am not, I just can't see that happening. I don't feel that for me it would be the best thing. I think I'm just a regular guy with a fat yetzer hara. Hashem sends me challenges that mostly come in this form and I'm bh very grateful that this is my hardest challenge in life. There are many people with sick children or deaths of loved ones. Bh bh those are not my challenges. I have to learn to cope with strong urges to act out and not give in to my yetzer hara so easily.