I was looking for away to record my journey. i hadn't really thought of including other people. but the truth is, if anyone sees this and it helps them, thats wonderful.
and I know how much it helps me not to be on my own. 
so, if anyone wants to join and comment,  I'll be happy.

the first point I want to record is  this:

I have  to be happy with myself. As far as I am aware, all my falls came from being down on myself. 
there are some critical voices out there ( and inside me, of course) and for practical purposes, tthese voices have NO TRUTH WHATSOEVER! that doesn't mean there's no truth in their criticism. but since the way it's put over just destroys me, it's not where to focus.

in fact, it's important to hear those voices so that i can loudly and confidently declare the opposite!


"I AM CAPABLE OF PROVIDING FOR MY FAMILY! THATS WHAT I DO! MY FAMILY ARE PROVIDED FOR & LOOKED AFTER. BY ME! ALL THAT THEY NEED IS SENT BTHROUGH ME! i run the accts well, I pay my debts, I am an excellent husband! I am an expert educator.
and so on. 
ttfn

Brother the only way to know what works is to get in the truck and see if your feet can reach the pedal and get the 18 wheeler rolling

I'm not disagreeing with your approach - just for the record i don't run the accts well, I pay my debts, I am not the best husband and definitely not an expert educator, but despite 2 intentional falls I'm BH +-800 days sober

cmh wrote on 22 Nov 2017 13:53:

APB out there for God.

Cord, what does APB stand for?

CMH,

Great post and thank you for sharing your journey with us! May Hashem help you stay sober and take care of yourself and your family! I look forward to learning a lot from your experience. What's striking is that despite what markz said, every person needs to emphasize on something else depending on his life's circumstances. In my personal life, I better remember that  All I have accomplished so far is not my credit at all; Hashem is the one taking care of all my affairs, managing my accounts, keeping me away from debt, and providing for me and my family through a well-paying job I don't deserve or even appreciate. Somehow I only remember about God when my life is a mess. But being that in the last 3 weeks things have gone pretty smooth and I've been productive, I totally forget that it's him that brought me to this point. He's my personal God. He is the one in control, not me! 

But this is my lesson. Your lesson is totally different and extremely important in your personal situation.


I love this!! Well said!!

I would add one small point and if you feel that it doesn't do you any good in your situation, please leave it. There is a big difference between being capable and being responsible. It doesn't matter that much how capable I am in making a living. Hashem is for sure capable and that's what matters! All I need is to be responsible. Meaning that I perform my reasonable obligations of going to work and take care of life's obligations. As long that I am not a lazy parasite Hashem will take care of me! Regardless of my capabilities. Personally, I fell that I'm very capable, but again, that will not get me anywhere!! No question about it!! If I do what I got to do and look out to Hashem, he will not let me down. If I forget of him, he will forget of me and then all my capabilities or lack thereof won't help me one little bit. 


May Hashem be in your way and may you always remember it!

Yitzchok

LoveU,Hashem wrote on 22 Nov 2017 23:55:


Here is my guess. An APB is what you put out when you are looking for someone. So an APB for God in this case is because He was missing in the OP.  There was another post where Cords said "APB for disaster" which doesn't seem to fit my theory. Unless he was saying the idea in the post he was commenting on was looking for disaster.

Welcome cmh. Great beginning post. Full of truth. Keep posting. Iyh you will pull through.

LoveU,Hashem wrote on 22 Nov 2017 23:55:

All Points Bulletin.
it is put out when there is a search for someone. So for example, if I would like to notify all people about a search for you, I would post a APB for LoveU,Hashem.
the rest should be self explanatory. 

Serenity, Cords posted a APB for Trouble not Disaster. I'm assuming the user named trouble, not the situation.

LoveU,Hashem wrote on 22 Nov 2017 23:55:

Apb is an abbreviation for "all points bulletin," which is a notification among police agencies about a wanted person.

Mr. LUH, some nice stuff above.
The guy screamin' from the rooftops that all the good stuff in his life is on account of him - yes, he's missin' out on some stuff; for all I know he was jokin', but who knows?

All should be well.

lionking wrote on 23 Nov 2017 04:00:


Thanks

Wow! I am so gratified that the oilam is taking an interest. Thanks guys.

Re the APB for the Ribono shel Olam,  R' Yitschok "chapped" me well. I didn't choose to darshan about emuna, because that wasn't what my struggle was right now. I looked at what I wrote, and if I hadn't known that, it would have been very חסר.

Just to set the balance straight, I want to talk about a Ramchal that I'm working on, that really gave me a healthy shock.

At the beginning of Daas Tevunos, the Ramchal writes something like: there are a few mistakes that people make about emuna. Some people think that there are 2 powers (i think- ha ha! foolish folk!). Others think that Hashem has given up on the Yidden, chas Veshalom (i wasn't particularly drawn to this one either). Others think that their zerizus brings them success, and their laziness causes them failure. (Oh dear. that feels a bit close to home...)

To believe, and feel that Hashem is running everything, and that I am a worthy כלי for his brocha- thats what I was talking about.

and now...

for something...

completely different.

this is the real work.

Some of us have a struggle with self esteem- and often it's connected to our spouses. Here is a small part of my story.

I want to be strong. My wife wants me to be strong. emotionally. not to fall apart, not to fold. not to be aggressive. Just a firm, fair, strong, leading, considerate  voice.

Now, my perception of my wife's personality is (sorry) that she is a bit of a control freak. Very forceful, quite a bully.

Now I'll say it another way: My wife has very high needs, likes things done a certain way, and it's very important to herthat they happen that way.

Third try: (I have to keep going until it comes out accurate and positive). My wife is the most loving and caring person in the world. She cares about how things are done, and it really makes a massive difference. definitely to her, anyway. I do sometimes see other ways of doing things, often in fact, but it's not always the right time to discuss it. Anyway like R' Tzvi Meir said: "Erev Pesach, your wife/mother tells you to clean the windows. If you can explain that dirt isn't chomets, and that it's not necessary, then you should explain, then go learn. if you can't (and you can't, by the way,) then it's not bitul Torah- go clean the windows.

So, my wife is the best thing that ever happened to me, she is my tikun, the other half of my soul.  I love her like crazy. There are various parts of our communication that we're working on...

THIS IS UNFINISHED. GOTTA GO. HOPE THAT THE REST WILL FOLLOW

So, here's point one: my falls start when I htink badly of myself, andget needy. Signs of this starting to happen are:

1. bad thoughts
2. feeling like a nebech
3. (closely related) feeling like it's someone elses fault
4. -ve thought about wife
5. blaming thoughts about wife.

So, for me, at least, it is clear that good Sholom Bais (meaning my attitude) is a major key to sobriety.

So, the excersise that I did before (starting to talk about my wife, not giving up until it came out good) was crucial & vitally important.

Ok. Next is something I have to work thru. same theme.

My wife said: "When I call you & I'm in high gear, that's the only time you say "Yes Sprinze." If you're relaxed, you say "yeah" or something else. please stop saying that. it reallly bothers me!"

First response was something like:
RIGHT!!! When you're acting like a control freak, I snap to attention! Sir!!
If you start talking normally, and not being so overbearing, I WILL be relaxed!

anyone out there spot the mistake??!!??

That is blaming her for my emotional matsav.

This is amazing! She wants me to hold her. Now, I can't be too chilled out when she's in hi nrg mode, but I need to go up a levelin not being scared of her, or scared of upsetting her. this will give her strength, stability, leadership.

lets try again..

My new avoda in communication is this:
until now, when my wife gets agressive, pushy, ordering around, I have seen my role as getting what she says she wants done, done.

now, I have to see beyond that. When she gets agitated,  she's expressing an emotional need: She needs me to help her see that things aren't out of control. Of course, I'm not going to say "everything's fine, chill!"  That wouldn't help. 

My main job is to understand what is bothering her, and to take responsibility for looking after the situation in a way that works for both  of us.

She talks like she wants to be responsible for everything. it's mamesh not true.She want's to be looked after. She wants to be able to trust me. 

I must behave in a way that inspires and enables her trust.

Thank you gentlemen, a good night, a good rest of day, and indeed, a good day of rest.
CMH

Emunah is good. Trust is also key. Trust for me is not as simple. 

CMH,

So nice, so true! I love your progressive writing style. It's so genuine! And it's amazing how you see through the unspoken. Although I don't share this particular struggle, I desperately need the sense to read between the lines when my wife complains etc. Mah Hashem give you the capabilities to provide your wife with her unspoken needs. 

Kepp your posts coming!