Day #23

It's very hard for me to write this today, but a major part of this process is honesty.  I had a fall today.  The y"h convinced me that I needed to act out or else I would go crazy over time, basically the opposite idea of "one day at a time".  Unfortunately, I got caught up in this idea and started obsessing over women.  At some point today or yesterday, something switched, I can't really explain it.  I went from knowing that I can do it, to knowing that I couldn't.  It took about a day to give in, but when that happened it felt like it was just a matter of time. I felt like a dead man walking.  It was pretty interesting.

I can berate myself for giving in, but I don't think that it is at all productive or useful.  Instead, I'll sum up why I think that I fell along with the things that I've gained over this challenging period.  

First the reasons why I fell.  I noticed that when I get less sleep the challenge gets much greater.  Partially, because it makes me feel stress more but also because you're not in the mood to keep on going.  I need to be careful about getting more sleep especially at challenging times.  Second, was a lack of kosher outlets for when I was feeling stressed out.  Masturbation is quick, easy, cheap and it's really difficult to find a replacement for it.  Exercise is good, but when I'm in that mood the last thing that I want to do is exercise.  I still don't have a good solution for this one.

Now, on to what I gained from this challenge.  First, I have never been clean for more than three days and I made it to day 23!  That's pretty amazing to me, I never would have believed that I could make it this far.  It showed me that this is possible.  Second, I got to meet many incredibly heroic people on the forums and chat rooms, people who are also struggling with these issues.  Each person has their own personal struggle, but everyone comes together to be mechazek others.  It's an amazing thing to be part of a community of bnei aliyah, and has changed my attitude towards this struggle.  Thanks to everyone for that.  Third, I have broken this habit on some level by just decreasing the regularity of it.  Finally, fourth, I have met a wonderful partner to go through this struggle with, whom I would never have connected to without this site.

Some questions.  Should I just start again right away or should I take a small break?  I don't want to keep starting and stopping since this will take away the seriousness of the commitment and I'm not sure what to do.  Also, if you have any ideas for kosher outlets that can replace these behaviors please let me know!

Iy"h when I start again in earnest, I'll start a new thread with my progress.

Thank you GYE!

Day #23

It's very hard for me to write this today, but a major part of this process is honesty.  I had a fall today.  The y"h convinced me that I needed to act out or else I would go crazy over time, basically the opposite idea of "one day at a time".  Unfortunately, I got caught up in this idea and started obsessing over women.  At some point today or yesterday, something switched, I can't really explain it.  I went from knowing that I can do it, to knowing that I couldn't.  It took about a day to give in, but when that happened it felt like it was just a matter of time. I felt like a dead man walking.  It was pretty interesting.

I can berate myself for giving in, but I don't think that it is at all productive or useful.  Instead, I'll sum up why I think that I fell along with the things that I've gained over this challenging period.  

First the reasons why I fell.  I noticed that when I get less sleep the challenge gets much greater.  Partially, because it makes me feel stress more but also because you're not in the mood to keep on going.  I need to be careful about getting more sleep especially at challenging times.  Second, was a lack of kosher outlets for when I was feeling stressed out.  Masturbation is quick, easy, cheap and it's really difficult to find a replacement for it.  Exercise is good, but when I'm in that mood the last thing that I want to do is exercise.  I still don't have a good solution for this one.

Now, on to what I gained from this challenge.  First, I have never been clean for more than three days and I made it to day 23!  That's pretty amazing to me, I never would have believed that I could make it this far.  It showed me that this is possible.  Second, I got to meet many incredibly heroic people on the forums and chat rooms, people who are also struggling with these issues.  Each person has their own personal struggle, but everyone comes together to be mechazek others.  It's an amazing thing to be part of a community of bnei aliyah, and has changed my attitude towards this struggle.  Thanks to everyone for that.  Third, I have broken this habit on some level by just decreasing the regularity of it.  Finally, fourth, I have met a wonderful partner to go through this struggle with, whom I would never have connected to without this site.

Some questions.  Should I just start again right away or should I take a small break?  I don't want to keep starting and stopping since this will take away the seriousness of the commitment and I'm not sure what to do.  Also, if you have any ideas for kosher outlets that can replace these behaviors please let me know!

Iy"h when I start again in earnest, I'll start a new thread with my progress.

Thank you GYE!