My (short term) goal is to make it through Elul and Yom Kippur without falling (40 days).  I have been struggling for around 15 years and am in my upper twenties and it's time to finally get over this.  I've looked at the phone conference times but they are all in the morning/ afternoon which doesn't work for me.    I've put myself in the partner program for chatting and we'll see what happens there.  I plan on making a Taphsic and keeping myself accountable by posting daily here about how I'm doing.  If anyone wouldn't mind me checking in daily by chat, please let me know we can help keep each other accountable.

Today was my first day in a while that I've been clean. I feeling a little bit edgy, but otherwise it's been fine. Other times that I've tried to stop (I think that my record has been around three or four days), I was still watching movies and youtube which have a lot of triggers in them, but b"h my wife and I have stopped that around Pesach time and it's been great (if not difficult at times).  That really minimizes triggers and I hope that it will help me to get through this.

See you all tomorrow!

Day #2

So far so good.  I'm starting to feel a tension, like I'm holding my breath.  I feel that if I just act out it will go away, but my mind knows that that's not true.  When I have a fall I always feel worse inside, like something is missing.  I have to keep that in mind, and also to remember why I'm doing this.  I want to be able to look at myself and not be ashamed of what's inside.  I want to be able to have my wife and kids look at me, and not have to worry about them discovering the "real" me. 

See everyone tomorrow!

bgit wrote on 24 Aug 2017 22:29:

Showing some knuckles 

Welome to the White House

Day #3

I usually slip up somewhere around here (day 3 or 4).  B'h I made it through yesterday, but at night I was having some trouble and spoke to some people in the chat room which really helped out. 
Today I'm really starting to feel the craving along with the feeling of unease from yesterday.  I know that giving in won't make me feel any better, but I still can't make myself really believe it.  It's erev Shabbos and I'm nervous to even take a shower, who knows what will happen?  I definitely have to wait for the cravings to subside, but they seem to come out of nowhere and I'm nervous that it will hit me when I'm alone.  I'm looking forward to Shabbos though.  With all the masturbation that I've done and as much porn that I've looked it, I'm not seriously tempted to look at porn on Shabbos (I understand that other people may struggle with this as well), and I don't even remember the last time that I masturbated on Shabbos (motzei shabbos is a different story though).  One day at a time though.  I know that I can do this!

See you all on day 4!

Day #4

It's uncharted from here on out.  I've never made it this long for as long as I've started this behavior, which was around fifteen years ago.  It's pretty amazing to think that I've just made progress on a fifteen year old problem.  
Today was actually much easier than yesterday.  It was Shabbos which is always a little easier for me, but I also didn't have any major cravings like yesterday.  Maybe the third day is the hump?  I can only hope...  I'm pretty psyched up that I've got this far and I really think that I can do this!
Another thing that I noticed was that I was a lot more social yesterday and today.  I feel like my confidence got a major boost, and my level of awkwardness (which wasn't really high, but I'm a little bit awkward and shy) plummeted.  It feels pretty great, I can't remember feeling like this before.

See you all on day 5!

You're doing great. Look around the website and see if you can learn some tools so that you're not just holding your breath. 

Workingguy wrote on 27 Aug 2017 03:31:

Thanks Workingguy for the chizuk.  
I'm using webchaver, and even though I said (somewhere) that I would be using Taphsic, I decided against it.  I did it in the past, and it created this enormous pressure, which became unbearable which (I suspect) caused more issues than it helped.  I've started to use the chatrooms when I'm feeling itchy, and this diary of sorts has been more helpful than I could have imagined. It helps just to get it out.  I'm also waiting on a sponsor/ partner, and am hoping that gye will get a night time group call.

Day #5

It's still been pretty good, although not as easy as yesterday. I had a couple minor urges (which in the past would have definitely been a fall) but nothing major.  Besides for the addictive behavior, I think that there is also a big element of pure habit.  Whenever I was sitting by myself, I used to fall, but now that impulse (not even the aspect of reward from it) is being changed slowly.

See everyone on day 6! 

Day #6

I had a somewhat hard day, and I'm certain that a week ago I would have come home to look at porn and masturbate.  Thankfully I've gotten far enough that it's currently not my first reaction anymore.  I'm sure that many more challenges will come in the future but lately it's been pretty smooth sailing.  I have to make sure not to get complacent.  I've also started listening to Dov's recorded calls, I hope that it's mechazek me.

See everyone on day 7!

BH you are doing great. Keep it up. There are many tools that are helpful here. Find what is good for you. Find other ways to relieve stress after a hard day. Exercise, a walk, etc - whatever is good for you. You can speak anonymously to many people here who can help. Hatzlocha!

Day #7

I was home by myself for a lot of the day.  That caused major triggers for me.  B"h I spoke with some people in the chat room which really helped me out.  It was a pretty rough time and I really thought that I would fall.  Thanks to everyone who helped me out!

See everyone on day #8

Day #8

Today was pretty uneventful.  I noticed that the busier that I am, the easier it is.  I guess "Idle hands are the devils playthings"!

Seey everyone on day 9!

Day #9

Today was a little more difficult.  I keep having these random picture pop in my head, and it's a real test to keep thinking about it or to try and think about something else.  I feel like that if I just act out then it will go away and I'll feel better, but I know that if I do I will just feel empty afterwards.  I need to stay strong!

See everyone on day 10 (double digits )

bgit wrote on 01 Sep 2017 01:34:

Excellent and honest post. That little voice telling you to act out to feel better is your enemy/sickness. So many of us have caved in again and again. Go for a walk, exercise, read a book, call a friend, but whatever you do - don't act out. Hatzlocha.

Day #10

I'm feeling a little bit down today for various reasons.  That really affects my resolve and the level of lust that I experience.  When things are going well things are a little easier (although things aren't perfect then either).  I'm really looking forward to Shabbos when things are usually a little easier for me.  Hopefully things will pick up for me then.  Until then I need to keep in mind that acting out is not a solution and will only make me feel worse than I already do.

See everyone on day #11