Day 43: Starting to get annoying to post everyday. Spoke to my sponsor today bh. 

Keep posting. When you write things like it's getting annoying to post, you're articulating real feelings- some that people relate to but haven't had the courage or opportunity to say.

And anyway, when you committed to posting every day you never said you would only do it if it was fun. 

Day something: Don't really know exactly which day. My calender is on my old phone (just got a new one). Anyways... Covenant eyes driving me crazy a bit with it's technical issues. I recently got a couple new devices and needed to install the program on them. I like having it... it's not going to help if you are looking for anything probably.  It just feels ridiculous and irresponsible to have the most graphic porn a click away. I feel better having it. But... it's giving me a bit of grief. 

Gut voch!

Ihavestrength wrote on 03 Sep 2017 07:07:

I have CE too and think it's great for someone like me
Whats all the grief about 

Ihavestrength wrote on 01 Sep 2017 01:03:

HHay, dont give up, it gets me going, dont het annoyed, and if you do, just do it for us, we follow you daily..
thank you

Ihavestrength wrote on 01 Sep 2017 01:03:

Just my $0.02 stop posting unless you need to

​What does your sponsor say?

Day 46: @markz The "grief" is from the technical issues. The program rendered my new laptop practically unusable and was causing my phone to lag and crash. Hopefully it will be resolved soon. I really don't like having my devices unfiltered. Just seems negligent to have the ultimate garbage a click away. 

@shivisi Thanks. 

I really must check if I actually committed to writing everyday this time around. I don't remember.

Oops. In responding I forgot to post something new for today.

I think one thing this addiction took away from me is the ability to intentionally engage in pleasurable activities in a healthy way.

This addiction taught me to equate pleasure with destruction.

Pleasure can be very healthy I think. When I listen to a nice song to give myself a break after studying a bit, what's wrong with that? Nothing, I think. Unfortunately, I have to retrain myself not to feel guilty when engaging in healthy pleasures in the course of leading a balanced life. The addiction caused to me think in black and white. Pleasure=Bad/Guilt. Deprivation/working hard=good. 



@mayan Thanks. I never asked him.

Hmmm. Looks like I did make mention of a commitment to write everyday. Guess I'll follow through even though I missed a couple days already. Probably should start reading the chizuk emails again too. 

Day Whatever: It honestly doesn't matter. Oh my G-d, it's been so many days... I must need a release... The mind is super powerful. Counting any number of days is saying that it's a chidush rather than the norm that you are clean. It's validating a whole crazy idea that you are entitled somehow to a certain amount of sex/lust/porn whatever.

Yes, not counting does have it's downsides. You can't give yourself an ego boost for staying clean for sooo many days. But really?  Do you want to get your self esteem from the fact that you didn't act like an idiot for X amount of days? I sure as hell don't. I'm not amazing for not acting out. I'm just acting with sanity. It's crazy for me to act out. I don't deserve a medallion... yadayadayada. Being sane for today really is enough for me. That is my reward.

One day at a time isn't a coping mechanism. It's accepting reality. Half the time we are running around trying to make sure we'll be clean tomorrow. Trying to get it all exorcised. This is total fantasy. Not to mention overwhelming. It's a purely unnatural way of living. Trying to control every damn thing. The future, the past, and the present. This is exactly what leads to acting out. Yes, I am saying that counting days can very likely cause you to act out.

(I think in the very beginning it can be useful though to get off the ground. Also can be great if you want to build your ego around not ejaculating.)

Ok, now let me go update my count. 

P.S Totally not trying to tell people what to do btw. So don't shoot me please. 

Beautiful and honest post. The beauty of these forums is that everybody can express their true feelings. (and as we have seen, everyone can respond as they see fit too......) Continued hatzlocha with your one moment at a time mehalech.

I use an app to count days and now i have a single date in my memory.
The date i stopped acting out.
And in meetings i think im going to use the Israeli way of giving that over (backwards)
Today I have 3 weeks and 8 months sober from porn, masturbation and lusting with my eyes.
One day at a time.
Thank God.

You should be blessed forwards and backwards!

Did some step work last night (or was it the night before?). Must schedule times to do stepwork (cool word incidentall).

I swear I started relying on G-d a little more. Realizing how powerless you are over most things in life can naturally bring to an acceptance of, and reliance on G-d. 

Haven't been attending phone conferences recently. In truth I haven't been doing much in terms of recovery. I think I'm more sober than I've ever been though. More sober than when I was at 85 days for sure. No busting balls here. I think when people are busting it means they're lusting. Just my take. Maybe I'm mistaken. 

Peace 

P.S I need sleep. 

Day 1: Sleep is so damn important.

Every day is day one. I actually believe this garbage nowadays. Oy, what has become of me?

Ihavestrength wrote on 07 Sep 2017 01:18:

Sorry to hear that.
Another brainwashed fellow.
Next thing you know, you will be believing that atheists worship higher powers.
And that you have no choice in life.
And that God doesn't punish.
And that one out of six Jewish children are sexually abused.
And that 16  bochurim out of a shiur of 20 are thinking of the porn scenes they saw last night, and not concentrating on the shiur.

Good luck