Shlomo24 wrote on 13 Apr 2017 16:17:

Get in line!!!!

Ihavenostrength wrote on 16 Apr 2017 05:18:

I was packing away pesach dishes, using newspaper as wrapping material. Oh God, the images that caught my eye (or more honestly, that I really wanted to see).

Singularity wrote on 19 Apr 2017 08:25:

I suggest you ask your LOR if your dishes are still kosher for use after wrapping them in such clear Chametz

Day 68:

Situation: Feeling stressed. 

Dumb part of my mind: Keep on thinking about the future and every possible thing you need to worry about. That will make you happy. 

Smart part of my mind: I can understand why you would think that living in the future would make you happy, but is it working? Maybe slow down your thinking, concentrate on what you are doing right now. Remind yourself you don't have to think yourself crazy, and that nuclear war won't break out just because you decided not to try solving all the worlds problems. 

Day 69: If you would only recognize that life is hard,(but rewarding)things would be so much easier for you.

Louis Brandeis 

Parentheses added by yours truly 

Day 70: Super grateful to have made it to this point.

Going through a bit of a stressful situation (specifics aren't relevant). There's​ uncertainty. I think that's what gets to me the most. I want closure but it's​ not in my control. 

Balancing emunah with trying your best is confusing to me. When do you let go and say I've done what I can? Maybe until you can do no more? Oy, I used to think I knew everything. Now I know, I know very little.  

I even prayed out of desperation. I daven 3 times a day, but I prayed yesterday for the first time in ages. 

After I thought, can he hear me? I never had that thought during davening BTW. Probably because I never really felt like I was actually talking to someone. Don't get me wrong, davening is beautiful, but first you have to believe in G-d. 

I used to think I believed in G-d. That's because it meant nothing to believe. It impacted my life in no way. I used to think it impacted my life, and I displayed all the mitzvos(life as a frum jew)I did as proof. That wasn't from belief, that was  because of education. Mitzvos anashim milumada. 

When you have a conversation and actually try talking to G-d, you question, does he actually exist? 

Random thought: Ten minutes of learning/practicing something new is worth a lifetime of doing the same old thing. 

wow, only 20 days more to 90, keep it up, stay strong, 
Good Shabbes

Beautiful thoughts brother.

Keep 'em coming.


I heard a little ditty from a rebbe of mine in yiddish (I don't know yiddish so here it is in english)

"one who knows that he doesn't know knows that he doesn't know, and one doesn't know that he doesn't know doesn't know anything at all."

You are truly inspiring to me and I wish you much hatzlacha!!

Ihavenostrength wrote on 21 Apr 2017 18:00:

So when I first read this I thought "I can't help anyone with their emunah" and I moved on. But then I read it! Wow do I relate. It's a total gift for me when I can connect to my Higher Power when I'm davening. I don't expect it. For me, the ritualized nature of tefillah sucked meaning out of it. Granted, I used to daven incredibly long shmonah esrais but that was done with a lot of shame and obsessive behavior. Many character defects were present during those times. But now that I know God is not who I thought he was, I don't have the shame as in the past. I've also been experiencing progressive victory over my defects. So my shmonah esrai is much shorter and I just try to focus on saying all the words. But prayer is much different for me. When I pray, it's up to me to decide what I want to pray about. I don't always feel the connection with God, but God is not a feeling. It would be a terrible thing if He was only a feeling. But I know He's there, even if I don't feel Him. Occasionally I am gifted to feel His presence here and there. The last time it happened I immediately started crying. It was quite surreal. 

In terms of questioning His existence; I have done that. But I have read way too many books to pretend that He doesn't exist. He's here and there ain't nothing we can do about it. Everyone has bechira but a rational man would understand He exists. I frankly think that evolutionists are idiotic in their conception. But that knowledge didn't really help me. Because I thought God was out there to punish me and watching me like a hawk. In my program, I essentially had to become an agnostic in order to become a believer. My former conception of God was so deep that uprooting it required a lot of surgery. And I had to start all the way from the bottom, with the foundation. This entire time I knew that God existed, but I needed to find the truth about Him.

I recently went through this on a deeper level. I had questions about  how in 12-step groups I see many people all doing the same things and they all are receiving the same miracles. There's a unifying power that exists within the rooms. Yet we are from all different religions. Some are even athiests. How can the guy who's praying to Yushka, Buddha, Muhammed, "The human spirit" (I've heard that at a meeting), Mother Nature and Elokim all be receiving the same miracles? How is this unifying power that I see also different for every person? After speaking with a bunch of members, from all different religions, I was enlightened by my former Sponsor. I don't want to go into specifics, because I avoid religious debates on this forum, but I got an answer that fit. And I was crying like a baby for a good 5-10 minutes when I came to that realization. For me, it was clear how God is so above human ability. No one can love someone like he can love someone. 

Coming full circle, I realized that He, in his infinite love and glory is the one I'm talking to when I pray and daven. He is the one that keeps me sober. He is the one that watches over me and loves me. He is the one I have a connection to. He is the one who gives me everything I need. How amazing is that! I'm personally connected with a source that is beyond human ability! Better than Bill Gates or Warren Buffet. Even better than Rechnitz! And that's an amazing relationship that we all have, if we seek Him out.

@Ihave... Thank you for bringing up this topic and I appreciate your honesty. It afforded me to share about something I truly care about.

If anyone would like to speak to me about it feel free to email me.

@shlomo24 You are very welcome. I always enjoy reading your posts. 

Day 71: I think I'm addicted to thinking. I saw a good quote: "Don't think too much. You will create a problem that wasn't even there." 

Gut voch! Shavua tov! 

Day 72: Doing one thing while thinking about another is proving to be detrimental to my mental health. I'm most sane when I'm living in the moment.

I don't think most people make big changes in their life because they think it would be nice to do so. They make changes when their life demands from them that they change. When their life is "unmanageable" in its current state.

Living in the present isn't something that would be nice/make life better for me. It's a necessity if I don't want to go crazy. I don't want to live in the present. I want to worry and think about every possible thing that exists. 

I have no choice though. Life has forced my hand. 

Have a great day y'all! 

Ihavenostrength wrote on 23 Apr 2017 12:21:

I agree. I believe very few people create change just so they can better themselves. Probably some of the message leaders and other gedolim, but the standard guy changes when there's a real reason to change.

Ihavenostrength wrote on 23 Apr 2017 04:23:

Thank you. Exactly something i needed to hear. Seems to me that every time I reach a conclusion about something that was on my mind I look on your thread and what do you know, you have already expressed it so eloquently. So thank you. 

TzedekChaim wrote on 23 Apr 2017 18:10:

Totally agree as an obsessive thinker I love both of your posts!

Day 73: Dysfunctional helping is a b****. I'm trying to remember that life will go on without me. Trying to remember that I'm probably not gifted enough to actually help.