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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: My Journey... 10414 Views

My Journey... 29 Dec 2016 18:28 #301531

  • newbeginning
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{{UPDATE!! -  BH 180 DAYS CLEAN AS OF 27 JUNE 2017}} - 

Another day, another post acting out ritual (shower, commit to 'taking it seriously now'... I have been taking it seriously for years! My mind thinks that by doing all these things I will have a fresh start, or as Dov calls it the nuclear reset button).

I fell again, I'm muddled up. I feel angry at myself but I know I should be happy that Hashem made me fall, it was his will and that is what happened. But I feel like I'm cheating myself if I say that, because I don't end up taking actions and I end up falling again.

My name is Eli and I am 20 years old living in London. I have friends who are planning to get engaged, engaged and already married, friends who are finishing uni and are in careers... and where am I? I achieved decent grades in high school (7 A's out of 12 Subjects) but then I mucked up my A levels (college exams), so I ended up trying out a variety of jobs e..g Accountancy, Law, Transport and fast forward 3 years I am planning to redo some exams in the hope to go to university next year (Potentially to study Pharmacy or something similar). But to tell the truth i am so muddled up, I don't know what career to go into, truthfully I would just rather have a job say 3 days a week, and the other 2 I would learn. I have complete Emuna that whatever i will earn, I will earn as long as I put in the effort, but it depends on certain conditions e.g. personal holiness, which I can't keep to.

I have learnt how to create iPhone Apps but have given up developing them because I don't think its wise for me to be on the computer all day to get parnasa (even though i have covenant eyes)

In these past years I am slowly destroying myself, I have quit 4 jobs and given up on university after a year, I'm running out of money, I don't even have the motivation to study even though I've been given this fantastic opportunity to retake my grades, I am becoming more and more socially isolated, and its because of this addiction. Yes i know its an addiction, i started going on GYE when I was about 15 and read all the stories, and thought to myself 'phew, I am nothing like what I'm reading'... If only I knew.

I have been so close on numerous occasions to visiting prostitutes, my addiction has got worse and worse over the years, despite growing tremendously e.g. Learning more, becoming very active in my shul, genuinely feeling spiritual. I guess its true, the more kedusha, the more evil as it allows free will.

For a long time I have had a list of precautions e.g. Only go on computer for a set time and have defined goals and a lot more etc (which i have learnt from previous mistakes) but I keep on breaking them and bypassing them. If I kept all of these and did what I need to do, I truly believe I would not stumble into these situations in the first place.

Today I have had a nice day, I'm seeing a friend this evening. its all going well. My mum & sister pop out for an hour, my heart races, I think its a perfect opportunity to act out. I know its wrong, I know the effect it has on me and I clearly see the effect on my parnasa, learning and my life, but I don't care, everything becomes frozen at that point. I was even listening to such uplifting music before and felt so close to Hashem. I went from one extreme to another.

I know I am rambling on, but I just want to get it all out once and for all. I mention that I am becoming socially isolated because most of my friends are Jewish but not religious and for example I was invited to a club with them all on New Years Eve, but I made an excuse just so I wouldn't be in an inappropriate environment like that. But now I am spending NYE at home, alone. I don't know which is worse!!

So BH Tomorrow (30th December) is my first day (again) of this journey. I need to commit, I need to get involved in GYE and have perfect faith that Hashem is working on my life and I need to stay calm. (P.s most of the day I was looking at different career options which get me stressed and worried - I'm sure this contributes to me acting out).

I know what I want, I want PG a wife, a family... But I feel so far away from it, I need to fix myself first.

Maybe someone in London is reading this? I'm happy to partner up with someone to help me, or even someone in another country! Also I am aware of the GYE tools, I've used them on and off e.g. Dov calls, partners, emails, but I never commit. (that applies to most things in life).

Eli
Last Edit: 28 Jun 2017 18:42 by newbeginning. Reason: Inspiration for whoever looks at it

Re: My Journey... 29 Dec 2016 19:00 #301536

Wow. That was painful to read...
and I'm sure way more painful for you to experience.

Writing in was a great move.
Focus on doing something positive.
Forget about times in the past.
Try starting and actually keeping the taphsic program.
It may help you with the "follow through"
since that's actually the point of that system.

You have to do something different this time.
And nobody can do it but you.
Many people have succeeded, and you can too.
You are not alone.
Chanuka Somayoch!

Re: My Journey... 29 Dec 2016 19:13 #301539

  • newbeginning
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I want to commit to write in every day Bli Neder updating on my progress.
Yeah It's been painful, and I'm sure it was painful to read in more than one way!  I wrote it in a rush, and haven't actually read over it so I hope its coherent. Although like you said, I will focus on doing something positive - Writing on here, and I will forget about the past. Hashem put me in this situation and I am capable of overcoming this challenge, with the help of Hashem and GYE.

I will have a read through the TaPhSiC Method again ( it looks like it's been updated since I last read it) and will try and formulate a new goal.

Thank you! Chanuka Sameach! 

Re: My Journey... 29 Dec 2016 19:19 #301540

Sounds like a plan.
Now, just follow through and DO it.
Today. Don't delay.
You can and will succeed!

Re: My Journey... 29 Dec 2016 19:34 #301545

  • Markz
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newbeginning wrote:
Another day, another post acting out ritual (shower, commit to 'taking it seriously now'... I have been taking it seriously for years! My mind thinks that by doing all these things I will have a fresh start, or as Dov calls it the nuclear reset button).

I fell again, I'm muddled up. I feel angry at myself but I know I should be happy that Hashem made me fall, it was his will and that is what happened. But I feel like I'm cheating myself if I say that, because I don't end up taking actions and I end up falling again.

My name is Eli and I am 20 years old living in London. I have friends who are planning to get engaged, engaged and already married, friends who are finishing uni and are in careers... and where am I? I achieved decent grades in high school (7 A's out of 12 Subjects) but then I mucked up my A levels (college exams), so I ended up trying out a variety of jobs e..g Accountancy, Law, Transport and fast forward 3 years I am planning to redo some exams in the hope to go to university next year (Potentially to study Pharmacy or something similar). But to tell the truth i am so muddled up, I don't know what career to go into, truthfully I would just rather have a job say 3 days a week, and the other 2 I would learn. I have complete Emuna that whatever i will earn, I will earn as long as I put in the effort, but it depends on certain conditions e.g. personal holiness, which I can't keep to.

I have learnt how to create iPhone Apps but have given up developing them because I don't think its wise for me to be on the computer all day to get parnasa (even though i have covenant eyes) because I know ways around it. 

In these past years I am slowly destroying myself, I have quit 4 jobs and given up on university after a year, I'm running out of money, I don't even have the motivation to study even though I've been given this fantastic opportunity to retake my grades, I am becoming more and more socially isolated, and its because of this addiction. Yes i know its an addiction, i started going on GYE when I was about 15 and read all the stories, and thought to myself 'phew, I am nothing like what I'm reading'... If only I knew.

I have been so close on numerous occasions to visiting prostitutes, my addiction has got worse and worse over the years, despite growing tremendously e.g. Learning more, becoming very active in my shul, genuinely feeling spiritual. I guess its true, the more kedusha, the more evil as it allows free will.

For a long time I have had a list of precautions e.g. Only go on computer for a set time and have defined goals and a lot more etc (which i have learnt from previous mistakes) but I keep on breaking them and bypassing them. If I kept all of these and did what I need to do, I truly believe I would not stumble into these situations in the first place.

Today I have had a nice day, I'm seeing a friend this evening. its all going well. My mum & sister pop out for an hour, my heart races, I think its a perfect opportunity to act out. I know its wrong, I know the effect it has on me and I clearly see the effect on my parnasa, learning and my life, but I don't care, everything becomes frozen at that point. I was even listening to such uplifting music before and felt so close to Hashem. I went from one extreme to another.

I know I am rambling on, but I just want to get it all out once and for all. I mention that I am becoming socially isolated because most of my friends are Jewish but not religious and for example I was invited to a club with them all on New Years Eve, but I made an excuse just so I wouldn't be in an inappropriate environment like that. But now I am spending NYE at home, alone. I don't know which is worse!!

So BH Tomorrow (30th December) is my first day (again) of this journey. I need to commit, I need to get involved in GYE and have perfect faith that Hashem is working on my life and I need to stay calm. (P.s most of the day I was looking at different career options which get me stressed and worried - I'm sure this contributes to me acting out).

I know what I want, I want PG a wife, a family... But I feel so far away from it, I need to fix myself first.

Maybe someone in London is reading this? I'm happy to partner up with someone to help me, or even someone in another country! Also I am aware of the GYE tools, I've used them on and off e.g. Dov calls, partners, emails, but I never commit. (that applies to most things in life).

Eli

Maybe ask the.guard eyes.guard@gmail.com if he can hook you up with someone in London.

Or perhaps you have spoken with your Rebbi and can ask him
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Re: My Journey... 29 Dec 2016 19:53 #301547

  • newbeginning
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I just messaged Guard, thanks!
​I haven't told my Rabbi + don't plan on telling anybody (except people who have gone/ going through this problem like yourselves).

Quick Q
I am reading the Taphsic method and came across this: 
ki yireh becha ervas davar veshav me’acharecha”

Do you know what it means?

Re: My Journey... 30 Dec 2016 11:48 #301612

  • newbeginning
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Update on first day - I have got a lot of things that need doing today in the next few hours before shul, and many of these things are completely new which I am starting today e.g. Working out at home (not in a gym) plus getting started studying for my exams.

I have read through the Taphsic method and have devised the following plan: Let me know what you think / any changes I should make. Thanks!

I have made the vow for one week starting from today up until next Friday.

If I have a fall which is defined as ..... etc

Then if I did ALL of these compulsory things and 4 of these optional things within 90 mins preceding my fall, then within the next 24 hours I will give £50 to charity + take a cold shower.

Compulsory: (ALL OF THEM)

- Turn off / step away from all electronics

- STAR method

  (1) Step back + observe the situation

  (2) Take a few deep conscious breaths

  (3) Ask what Hashem wants + what I really want

  (4) Respond in a healthy way

- Look at holy pic as well as pic of family

- Press full weight of body on toes

- Say 'Yigar Hashem Becha Hasatan' - The Lord rebukes you O satan

Optional: 4 of them (minimum)

​- Tehillim with concentration - 10 mins

- Ring up friend / family**

- contact someone on GYE - 15 mins**

- Read about holocaust - 10 mins

- Exercise - 10 mins

- Learn Torah - 15mins + say Shema

- Jewish Music - 15 mins

- Go out for a walk - 20 mins

- Help people/ things in house e.g. cleaning - 10 mins

- Cry out to G-d 70 times

** - I can only pick one of these (as they are very similar), however if I have done at least 4 of these list I can use more than 1 of this group.

If I did not do any (or all) of these things in the 90 mins preceding my fall (or if I use a loophole e.g. way around filter in the search of inappropriate material) then within the next 24 hours I will give £100 charity, take a cold shower and read the first 30 psalms. * By the way because I am currently unemployed these Knas amounts are a lot for me (and although I have the money so I know I will have to fulfil the vow) I can't afford to lose this Heavy Nkas.

Hope everyone has a great day and a great Shabbos!

Last Edit: 30 Dec 2016 12:18 by newbeginning.

Re: My Journey... 30 Dec 2016 12:06 #301613

great idea i'm intimidated as i am not ready to do something like this

one ha'aro your' third optional item should be taken off bec. 1) it goes against your first compulsory item 2)why go to these places when in the throes?

HAGACS AFC and AGC
my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

Re: My Journey... 30 Dec 2016 12:17 #301614

  • newbeginning
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Your right, I've gone ahead and changed it. Thank you!

How comes your intimidated? I've used it about a year ago (probably) and took it seriously and it really did work! Than I stopped renewing my vowels. The problem was I made the vowel for about 4 hours at a time, whereas in this case I will be doing it for a week at a time.

GYE sum it up well. The taphsic method is like putting an electrified fence at the edge of a cliff, if you come close to the edge, you will be "shocked" e.g. your KNAS. and back away. Therefore, in conjunction with this method, it is vital to put up other fences as well; Fences that will keep us far away from the edge of the cliff e.g. web chatter, log into GYE daily, read books, have a daily schedule.

The Taphsic method now have an audio recording of it so maybe have a listen to that? I'm more than happy to go through it with you via PM and we can try and develop your own personalised plan? If not, whenever you feel comfortable, just go for it!

Re: My Journey... 30 Dec 2016 12:35 #301616

thanks will have to think about this over shabbos
my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

Re: My Journey... 30 Dec 2016 12:55 #301620

  • cordnoy
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Welcome back,

ItI does sound tough.

Do you have a therapist/mentor?

Sounds like that should be the first step.

B'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: My Journey... 30 Dec 2016 13:17 #301622

  • Markz
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newbeginning wrote:

Update on first day - I have got a lot of things that need doing today in the next few hours before shul, and many of these things are completely new which I am starting today e.g. Working out at home (not in a gym) plus getting started studying for my exams.

I have read through the Taphsic method and have devised the following plan: Let me know what you think / any changes I should make. Thanks!

I have made the vow for one week starting from today up until next Friday.

If I have a fall which is defined as ..... etc

Then if I did ALL of these compulsory things and 4 of these optional things within 90 mins preceding my fall, then within the next 24 hours I will give £50 to charity + take a cold shower.

Compulsory: (ALL OF THEM)

- Turn off / step away from all electronics

- STAR method

  (1) Step back + observe the situation

  (2) Take a few deep conscious breaths

  (3) Ask what Hashem wants + what I really want

  (4) Respond in a healthy way

- Look at holy pic as well as pic of family

- Press full weight of body on toes

- Say 'Yigar Hashem Becha Hasatan' - The Lord rebukes you O satan

Optional: 4 of them (minimum)

​- Tehillim with concentration - 10 mins

- Ring up friend / family**

- contact someone on GYE - 15 mins**

- Read about holocaust - 10 mins

- Exercise - 10 mins

- Learn Torah - 15mins + say Shema

- Jewish Music - 15 mins

- Go out for a walk - 20 mins

- Help people/ things in house e.g. cleaning - 10 mins

- Cry out to G-d 70 times

** - I can only pick one of these (as they are very similar), however if I have done at least 4 of these list I can use more than 1 of this group.

If I did not do any (or all) of these things in the 90 mins preceding my fall (or if I use a loophole e.g. way around filter in the search of inappropriate material) then within the next 24 hours I will give £100 charity, take a cold shower and read the first 30 psalms. * By the way because I am currently unemployed these Knas amounts are a lot for me (and although I have the money so I know I will have to fulfil the vow) I can't afford to lose this Heavy Nkas.

Hope everyone has a great day and a great Shabbos!


Is there a Taphsic to say g'bye to FB & WA? I'd start with that - but that's me because Im not safe with those...
My Story---------Dov Quotes


What works for me:
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Click HERE to checkout;
100 Day Success Stories: cordnoy, Dov, Gevura and more...
• Awesome Threads Saved for You
• Cast Your Vote

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➣ Nice Trucking Story
Last Edit: 30 Dec 2016 13:17 by Markz.

Re: My Journey... 30 Dec 2016 13:27 #301624

  • Gevura Shebyesod
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Well let's see... if you want to go on FB you have to post in 3 WhatsApp groups first. 



And if if you want to go on WhatsApp you need to post on  3 facebook pages first. 
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through...

My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

Re: My Journey... 30 Dec 2016 13:45 #301629

  • newbeginning
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Nope but I'm hoping the mentoring will come through GYE and finding a sponsor/mentor with someone who lives locally over time. I have messaged Guard to see if he can put me in contact with anyone in London.

Re: My Journey... 30 Dec 2016 13:47 #301630

  • newbeginning
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I would love to get rid of Facebook. But I have so many nice memories/pictures that I feel like I can't just delete it. I get invited to events / friend social events / Jewish events on Facebook so if I suddenly deleted it I feel like I would miss out on so much, plus its one of the only ways I use to contact lots of friends.

I believe the answer for me is limiting it, so as well as my taphsic method I have a list of precautions which I am going to PG stick to e.g. Going on FB once in morningg for 5 mins and once in evening, than i won't be carelessly browsing.
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