TzedekChaim wrote on 18 Dec 2016 22:32:

Wow! KOT bro!

I actually started doing as the white book calls it - OTAAT (One Temptation At A Time).

Day 114!!

went to two weddings this week. The first was nearly perfect in terms of lust/shmiras eynayim. But the second and more recent was not as good though I did hold up the three second rule, nevertheless I felt like I wanted to look and maybe saw more than I should have because of it. (Surrendering the thoughts is amazing but I need to keep working on my shmiras eynayim and I thank Hashem for the reminder to keep up the good work, but that I have a lot more ways to go b'H)

All the best GYE!!!

117!!! b'H!

I had a very powerful realization this past friday. I was in a mall trying to pick up a birthday present for someone and there were lot's of not good sites abound. I was generally keeping my eyes down, surrendering if I did see anything, all within the three second rule, which b'H I am getting pretty good at. Then it hit me. If I truly was surrendering then I should have no problem looking at the ground. The need to look around is very revealing of the fact that I am not truly surrendering. Once I realized that and surrendered the looking around thing. It became a bit easier to keep my eyes down. 

b'H I have a new area to work on and we'll add that to the trucking schedule.

keep it up GYE!!!

Keep it up brother

KO"TC"!!!

TzedekChaim wrote on 01 Jan 2017 02:23:

Excellent, surrendering means giving up. If I'm in my own power then I'm not giving up. If I am only surrendering because I know that it will take the obsession away then I'm not surrendering! This was actually something my therapist told me and I've come to internalize it. Now, sometimes I'll say "God, I'm surrendering (insert lust etc.). I'm giving up. Because of that, I'm not going to do anything to take it away, I'm just going to move on and do the next right thing." It happened to me today when I was about to take a nap, I was very triggered about something and I realized there's nothing I can do within my power to take it away. So I surrendered and just went about to fall asleep. And I fell asleep! Nothing major happened because I gave up and didn't do anything.

Thank you Shlomo24. Yes, The most important thing seems to internalize the messages. Not how long you spend at GYE. Working on real surrender. b'H

Today is day 128!!! b'H!!

WOW!

That's a big number! A Binary dream!

Haha Singularity, good one. and 128 = 8-bits which is 7 + 1 or above the teva.

Today is Day 155, b'H the trucking continues.

I am b'H getting engaged soon! Thank you Hashem for all of the siyata dishmaya and hatzlacha throughout the whole parsha thing till now. May we all be zoche to build bayis ne'emanim bi'yisroel and to keep the trucking through the thick and thin.

The past couple of days have been rough. I've been a bit down. (no doubt my yetzer harah trying to keep me in his grasp. I consider this prolonged depression a slip which is miles ahead of what I would have called a slip previously. ) I think that i need to reinforce myself by posting more on the forum, whether on my thread or on others. I feel a bit isolated from others, and my kallah to be. I have not told her about this challenge of mine. I did tell her that I have self-esteem problems, which I believe are integral to this as an issue for me at least. So she is aware to that extent. 

I think being down makes me 'want' to be triggered and shmiras eynayim becomes that much harder. To be fair, I did have many good moments today where I had good shemiras eynaymi and even the bad stuff I did see I kept the three second rule, which is quite special. So by feeling down, and feeling like the challenge is so much harder is also not giving the correct focus on the positives of what happened over the past couple of days. (Heck! I'm getting so much chizuk just writing this. For sure, it was the yetzer harah who got me to stop posting as frequently with the excuse 'oh, your doing great, you don't need to post, besides. you don't have times. Hey, your thread doesn't even get so much attention. Nobody REALLY cares what you have to say. etc...' So I will b'H try to post at least once a week bi'dieved, and twice a week lichatcheila. (more if time permitting).



I do need to post. And I will make time. Recovery is critical now even more than before. Certainly, the most critical thing for me both as my avodas Hashem, and for my own health and safety of those I hold dearest (that includes me too). Thank you GYE, for just doing the amazing things that you do!

Now, back to the engagement issue. Which is amazing news and I am very happy about it. (I think the yetzer is trying to get me down (nervous, cold feet, etc...) just to start the whole thing off to a grey start). I guess I'll have to work overtime and give it (The event) and her (the kallah) the focus she deserves. 

Chasdei Hashem! Thank you Hashem!

Hatzlacha Rabba GYE and all the amazing chevra here!!

One day at a time!

btw my rebbe did not come into america in the end so I did not get the chance to speak with him about my issue in person, which I was planning on doing. I DID speak with my father about my issue, but I am not sure it was the most helpful thing. I think I should still meet with this rebbe. The most important thing is taking it one day at a time, It is true that everything may go to pieces in the future, but I can't control that now. I can only do what I need to today, the rest is up to Hashem. May I be zoche to internalize this principle.

I have a chizuk story that happened to me one of these past days, but I must go now so that will have to wait till next time. (this is a reminder stubb for me...)

Mazel tov to you.

May you have much nachas and hatzlachah.

Mazeltov! Bru.

I'd make it a point to speak to your rebbe. I wish I had reached out to someone properly before I got married. Could have kicked off my recovery much earlier and made better decisions in life.

Today is 156 b''H!! 

Thank you cordnoy and singularity. 

I managed to get in touch with my rebbe and spoke with him on the phone(and gchat) for a while. He was very helpful and actually has a lot of experience dealing with these things. He was very understanding. Funny how opening up to key people is much easier than it seems at first.

The amazing story I referenced above which I said that I would share is that I was taking the subway to a certain station and as the train came in I realized that there was a magazine stand on the platform. My car opened to the right of the magazine stand and there were two staircases. One on the other side of the stand and one to my right. Obviously I went to the one on my right and avoided the stand. As I came to the bottom of the staircase I realized that this wasn't the exit I needed and that I actually needed the other staircase past the mag. stand. I headed back thinking that I surrender to Hashem and he can deal with this challenge. I kept my eyes down and quickly walked past the stand. what do you know, the side I walked on happened to just be a metal wall with no magazines on it at all. Go God!!!

Hatzlacha GYE!

TzedekChaim wrote on 09 Feb 2017 21:43:

BH!

The same God who put the magazines there in the first place ;-)

When dealing with these things, I remember learning the akeida with my Rov and he explained why a cloud was around the mountain.

Most fears, troubles are like a cloud. Looks impossible to pass through. Treacherous. But walk through it and before you know it you're on the other side.

Beautiful Idea Singularity. (and thank you for the push to speak with my rebbe. In my mind it went from important to critical, so thank you. Also thanks for the torah share from your rov. Really great.)

Today is day 160!!! Baruch Hashem

An idea I was thinking of is why did Hashem make dust? I think it may be to show us that in order to live in a good way you have to keep cleaning. you have to keep working against the 'dust' which will always be there and slowly covering everything. 

here is a great one liner that I heard recently: "in this world you don't get what you deserve. in this world, you get what you need to serve"

I think its good motivation for realizing how we have everything we need, and that what we have is amazing (samaech bichelko) and we should be overjoyed that we have everything we need to accomplish the mission we have and not seeking ways to get things that are not for us.

Hope to continue the discussion with my rebbe (he gave me a few shiurim just to bring me up on a couple of concepts). Chasdei Hashem That I have such a rebbe to guide me! I would say that I wish I had done so earlier, but I am not sure I realized the true nature (to the extent that I do now) of my challenge (ie. lust and not the challenge of not acting out. that for me is a consequence of the first, So if I work on the first the second goes away. Also the lust is void filling for me so I have been learning how to deal with MY LIFE which is fun in many ways). so I don't think it would have been so constructive at an earlier point (at least earlier than 160 days ago when I saw the precipice.

Hatzlacha GYE and keep the trucking up!!!

Mazeltov! That's a really long time!

Yeah, most of life involves cleaning up of something or other. It's good mussar. What we're supposed to do in life; our ultimate purpose.

Even in the BeishaMikdash. Sure we give it fancy names, but think about it. Trumas Ha'Deshen. Huh?The holy work of schlepping burnt firewood and scorched animal carcass from the Mizbeach? The holy work of scraping out the disgusting congealed ashes and sticky oil of the Menorah? Kohanim did it! The holiest of work! 

I told that to my wife when I came back from Shul on Yom Kippur during the break while she was pregnant at home with 2 kids. Her Avodah is much loftier than mine!

b'H today is 164!!!

Amazing singularity! Love the stuff you keep whipping out.

Been listening to R' Shaifer on the shmuz (the Fight) very powerful ideas and focus.

I was thinking that during my lengthy commutes I sometimes have big challenges in this area. (also have great success, so I'm not excluding that) I think the nisayin of shemiras eynayim is harder when your mind is not engaged with something else. That is why listening to a shiur is usually better than just music (though music works for me too, just not for such a long duration). I watched the videos on TorahLive about smiling and it totally blew me away (I highly recommend them to anyone who wants some extra positivity in their life, the rabbi who teaches all the videos is just an amazing and happy person in a contagious way.) One thing I learned from the videos was that every detail of everything can be spun either positively or negatively. If we do it positively we will be happy, if not we may be sad, or at best indifferent (boring, failing to see the yad Hashem, etc...). So I have been trying to focus on the little details even in things that I don't like and see how they can be viewed in a way that I do like. It has two fold benefit. One, it keeps my mind busy and the creative juices working, and, two, it makes me very positive and happy. 

Oh and smiling helps!

Hatzlacha GYE!!!

Have a great shabbos!