beautiful cordnoy, a whole other angle on it. thank you.

Sorry markz, I'll try to use up more server memory next time for the convenience of the chevra . 

Baruch Hashem Chuggin along!!! Chasdei Hashem!!! ODAAT!!

Doing very well. IT's amazing how much of this struggle is attitude and perspective. Simply regaining some perspective helps so much.

Some ways that I have found for working on ODAAT in a concrete way.

OBAAT -- one blessing at a time. In shemoneh esrai, focus on reading the words of one blessing at a time igrnoring the others completely. My head starts to hurt from the concentration but it is really amazing how suddenly you find yourself at the end having looked in the whole time.

OMFAAT -- one mouthful at a time -- focus on the food in your mouth as you chew it. igrnoring the previous bite and not thinking about the food on your plate. Just enjoy the food in your mouth as you chew the succulent savory flavor. RAbbi Nachman suggests waiting 5-10seconds before taking your next bite. This way you are forced to enjoy the bite in your mouth since you won't immidiatly be getting another one shoved in there.

OPCAAT -- One phone call at a time, 

OCAAT -- one chessed at a time.

OFTAAT --
Also, sorry to disappoint the chashuva chevra, but I will be taking a hiatus from GYE forums for the next month so that no one can figure out when the wedding is (and because the whole month will be sfeika d'chodesh you'll just have to celebrate my wedding every day ).

So have no fears if I disappears.
Hatzlacha All and keep trucking!!!

מזל טוב
שרוי בלא אשה שרוי בלא שמחה

May you have

And
[spoiler]​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ [spoiler]

Time to join the BB's ;-)

Mazel Tov

AAAANNNDDD HE's BACK!!



Hello all fellow GYE'rs!

I have been reluctant to post since somehwere in my mind came the thought to put together a whole list of everything i have learned and since I didn't and now don't remember all of the minutia, I should altogether abandon that track. Which left me not sure where to start and hence my hesitation to post. (also not having so much time either) Nevertheless, Posting is important and I have learned a ton since my wonderful wedding, and with His help i will continue to learn and grow in my middos, recovery, and shalom bayis (that was redundant )

The wedding was amazing! It could not have been better and I thank my rabbeim and the chevra here, as well as some live chevra of mine, for helping me reach a level of preparation where I was able to chaparein the entire wedding, I was present, beaming, and felt like I utilized the experience 100%. Thank you!!!!!

What are the recommended guidelines for posting about marriage things. I know there are so many things that I found triggering beforehand that i've gotten used to. IS that stuff fine to post here or should i make a new thread in the marrieds section?

Either way, Hashem has blessed me with a wonderful wife, who loves, cares for, and supports me. She has an amazing family and I am the luckiest guy to be a partner with such a special person.

I have to keep working on it and the battle has shifted in many ways, (as well as many new fronts, not lust related, just middos and character flaws that could use some polishing up )

Hatzlacha GYE!!! 

KOT!!!



>not the greatest post, but writing anything is a start. :D

Mazel tov! Wishing you a life of simcha and hatzlocha. If you start a new post please tell us.

Hello Chevra!!!

it's been a while, thought I would post something. DAY 378!! With, and only because of, His help. Thank you Hashem for bringing me to this day and keeping me sober today and each today thus far. What happens tommorow is not for now. Thank you for toDAY!

Somethings I've learned in the passed few months:

1. a person is not responsible for their initial emotional response to something. That's beyond our control. It is then up to us to decide how to act on that something. 

2. If I'm feeling overwhelmed and like everything is going downhill. (Check HALT and see if I am missing in any of those four things) Am I tired, hungry, etc... 

3. focus on doing. focus on doing for others and appreciating what they do for me. Not spending so much time wrapped up in my own (selfish) thoughts of woe is me!

4. appreciate the good in myself. Love myself. How can I love God or love another person if I don't love myself.  

5. surrender the negative 'low self-esteem' or whatever thoughts the same way i surrender innapropriate thoughts. My self esteem is something I have been working on and only succeeding beacuse of Hashem. When I let HIM be in control my life is so much better!!!

6. He is running the world and I don't need to figure it out. Just had a political debate with someone. I realized after the fact that it was really bothering me. Then I was like, "what kind of silly thing is this. Do either of us really know anything about how the world is working and the politcal machinations at work. Can any one person possibly understand the metzius of anything really?" It's just a distraction from the real focus which is putting my life in His hands (or really understanding that my life is in His hands no matter what) and that he loves me more than I could possibly love anything and is always there to help me even if I don't deserve/ understand at all why.

7. My wife b'H is pregnant and I noticed on the married men's forum that there is a lot of discussion about this, since pregnant women have a lot of nausea and are not up for close proximity things very much. This is fertile breeding ground for the addicts resentment and anger at why can't she just let me... But Thank God, because of all my growth here at GYE, I have made great strides and give her the space she needs, and try to do everything I can to help. (if anyone has good suggestions for thoughtful helpful things to do that would be most appreciated. Surely I can't have thought of everything ) I don't want to think about what it would be like right now if I hadn't found GYE...

8.Thank you chevra for being there for me in the rough times as well as the happy times!! The trucking goes on one DAY at a time, I will try to live up to the life that HE want's me to, and not my own little selfish orb or negative/depression/anger/resentment/loneliness/poop  

Hatzlacha Rabba GYE'rs and to the heileger oilam here, thank you again and again.



ps. was listening to a DOV call, and he said a wonderful thing. Someone asked about not being sure if he was an addict. Dov's response was, "does working the program make your life significantly better?" the guy answered yes, Dov then said, "so do it. it's a teiku, when moshiach comes you'll find out if you actually are or aren't, but if doing the steps makes you better then do it" (there was a more subtle context, but the idea is great nevertheless)

Mazel tov on your accomplishments. Great post.

Ok here is the honest truth... 

Let me back up a bit. 

This passed shabbos was a very rough day. Super rough. I woke up shabbos day early, learned for a while before davening then I went to doze on the couch for fifteen minutes before davening. I woke up at 8:15, I thought davening was at 8:30, so I was in rush mode, everyone seemed to be dragging their feet. Then I found out davening was at 8:45. It should have been a sigh of relief, a smile, and no big deal. That's what I thought too, but i just kindof dismissed the frusteration instead of flipping it to positive (doesn't really matter, not the main point here). The whole day was rough, davening was very challenging, lot's of hirhurim, etc..., the walk from shul was tough, flashy frum ladies (I was in a flashy community so some of the modesty was technical, but not in the spirit) now, that's not a reason to look, nor does it cause me to do anything. I was surrendering the whole day, surrendering lust, to Him. But it wouldn't seem to go away, Then came nap time, I was a little tired, since I had woken up late, I have been passing up shabbos naps for a while now, since I really don't need them and to me unnecessary sleep is another form of reality escape. But this case was different since I had woken up early (though if I were really honest about it I did get seven hours of sleep, so it wasn't essential). I asked my wife about cuddling a little, (I knew she wouldn't be up for more, because of how she has been feeling) When I asked, I kindof knew the answer and I even told myself, why ask if don't want to feel rejected. But I asked anyway and guess what? it was a no. I turned over and went to sleep a little resentful (even though I knew that would be the answer in advance.)

(new paragraph for reading's sake) I had a wet dream then, Remember I was still watching my eyes, and surrendering my thoughts, and surrendering to Him. Still it was what it was. I didn't let it get me down and went to learn with my chavrausa before mincha. That went well (though we didn't cover everything we needed to, we still learned well for the 40 minutes). During mariv I just broke down (good thing I was in the corner ) I just felt like such a faker, living a double life, even though I had made such progress in my recovery and I have acted more sanely in my life and grown in so many ways. I was battered and beaten, and at the end of the road. I felt like ten miles of bad road(kill). I said to Hashem, I understand that this is my package in life to bear, and that today was just a wreck of a day, even if it was technically sober in terms of acting out or actively bringing thoughts into my head, or davka looking/staring at women. I said, "Please give me the strength to keep going and that tommorow will be a different, new start.

(new paragraph for reading sake) Today I realized something about the whole thing. let me back up again. For the passed couple of months, I have been working on my shemiras eynayim, my surrendering, my davening, etc... BUT, I haven't been posting here, and somehow, lust had slowly crept back in. I don't know how, it was a gradual process. and I had been fighting it without realizing it for what it was. It mainly took the form of resentment to Hashem for the predicament that I find myself in. Let me explain.

My wife b'H is pregnant and really not feeling well. Definitely not up for any bedroom stuff (kimat nothing, except for a quick good night). For anyone not in this situation you might not be able to understand, it is not a small thing especially for a newly married fellow who is an addict. Whoops! their I go trying to give excuses. None of this is an excuse, let me be clear, that is not my intention at all. What makes this situation particularly challenging is that it is always there, and I thought I had dealt with it many times, but it kept rearing its head again and again. The resentment, the feeling that she doesn't care about having sex, the feeling then that I must be a super sexaholic (checkit, irony ) which made me feel rotten, and then the resentment at HIM for putting ME in this situation of not being able to be with my wife. Parenthetically, pas bisalo is really something, when we were having a normal 1-3 times a week at the beginging, it was a non issue, sex wasn't a thing in terms of looking at other women. (I think that I was very strongly working in recovery then too, so this is not a proof really that it is good, and having regular access won't solve anything as long as I think that it is MY right to have sex and the universe is only in balance if I have regular sexual activity. It hurts to write that, it hurts more not too)

Either way, it came up the first time, the resentment and I spoke it over with my rebbe, and worked it out. It was smooth sailing (<---- the problem) for a few weeks, then it perked up its head again, I explained to myself, that she is sick, and I put myself in her shoes of always being nauseaus, and it made me feel more for her. I try to help her out as much as possible. I don't really understand what she is goign through (Hashem sent me two bouts of vertigo, I assume that was a taste of what she had.) My point is, that it comes up, I surrender that this is what Hashem has decided is best for me and I try to accept it, again and again it comes up. I think that I was suppressing it more than dealing with it, and it was wearing away at me, so naturally this passed shabbos was a consequence of that slipping, unbenknonces to me. Somehow I deluded myself into thinking that I was at a place where I wasn't holding.

I will try to wrap up, I realize that the oilam here has other things to do than read my verbosity (hopefully, the next one will be shorter: less catchup)

I don't know exactly how I got here only that I need to obviously step it up and be morehonest with myself, something that will only happen by posting more regularly here. 

One thing that bothered me when I was rereading the GYE handbook is the line that (paraphrasing) we may have thought it was religious fervor, but really we were just relishing in emotionalism. (end paraphrase) I found this line devastating, since it implies that all the well meaning, and seemingly real kesher, with Hashem was all fake. I'm not sure how to deal with it exactly. today I realized that the GYE book also says that these are suggestions and if something doesn't work don't use it. So maybe that's the answer.

For sure I was super arrogant, to not continue posting here, removing myself from the forum in various ways, I tried on a few occasions to post on some other threads, but I was like 'out of the discussion' (that alone should have been an indicator I wasn't in the correct mindset 100%) and I was worrying that I was alone and no one could relate to my gargantuan life battle. It's comical as I write this, since so much clarity and honesty has entered my mind since I began this post. (DOV I love you man, read a bunch of the daily doses of you, and really straightened out some of my stinkin thinkin)

there is so much more to write so I'll just say heffalump for now.

I need to post more with I plan on doing IMY"H, just because I have this struggle doesn't mean that I am a screwup, I'm here because Hashem has a reason for me to be, and the fact that I am an addict forces me to live the correct life, because the alternative is agonizing decay and death. I should feel happy that He wants me to fix and grow my relationship with him in this way. I am so blessed to have a wonderful wife, and that I"MYH soon a baby. Such a bracha!! The greatest brachas in my life have happened to me since I started on this journey for real. and with God's help I will continue to grow and achieve that which He wants me too.

I love you all chevra, thank you for listening.

-humbly, TC

Wow! What a post! It's a pleasure having you back on the forum. You are handling a tough but normal situation quite well. Iyh you will be fine, and for the record, the severe nausea etc usually ends after the first trimester, so the distance will iyh soften..... You are a great guy - Keep up the seichel, the honesty, and the hard work.

Today is 412, Thank you Hashem for causing me to reach here. Thank you for helping me yesterday and thus far today. I love you!

Thank you HashemHelpMe for your encouraging words. I really appreciate it. (way past the first trimester, but that's okay, because Hashem set it up this way so that I can have the opportunity to accept it without any conditions or strings attached such as an end date.)

ToDAY was pretty good. I had to drag myself out of bed in the morning (some residual negativity from the previous day, that's fine, I'm really passed it now). After shacharis I had a quick conversation with a friend of mine and it left me grinning ear to ear. Then I realized that so much if not all of my angst is just from swimming around in my own and often times negative echo chamber in my head. Instead of trying to reason my way out of a negative mood I really should just pick up the phone (there's a chiddush ) and call someone. It's amazing how a simple conversation can pull us into a better mood.

I was in the elevator on two occasions over the last 24 hours. I decided to say something both times instead of just remaining in awkward silence. (it turned out to be some of the most interesting elevator rides of my life)

the first one was a man who was on his way to hang with a friend and was concerned about the weather. We chatted and I, who had been driving all day in the clear sky, told him that it was really nice outside, which gave him a big smile.

The second one was a woman (who was in pajamas, and I swear was in the middle of buttoning them when the doors opened for me to enter. I actaully didn't look or stare in the direction until it was clear she was decent.) without facing her directly I asked how her day was, she said nice, I commented on the weather being so nice these passed couple of days, and she got all enthusiastic about the weather. Then she added in a sad way as we were about to depart that well winter is coming and its going to get real cold soon. Too bad, she said, I wish it were so nice the whole year. I replied, then we wouldn't appreciate the nice weather. She looked at me and said in a mindblown kindof way, you are so right, Wow! She thanked me and went on her way.

These two incidences aren't too crazy, but they show that if I step out of my little mind world and into His world there are a host of interesting things out there and nice people within it.

Thank you GYE, I love you guys!

-Hatzlacha rabba All and keep the focus on all the good we do/done and not on all the good we haven't done. (maybe I'll elaborate at a later date; just something I learned today)

Thedeck chaim,


WOW! what a wonderful post! So true! Sometimes I too need to just join other people in Hashem's world and stop living in my own mind for too long! I love your perspective! Though I would never have the guts to approach another woman in pajamas. 

May Hashem be in your way today!!

Wow so you spread your smileys quite liberally!!

KOS!!!!!!

TzedekChaim wrote on 23 Oct 2017 21:34:

Damn! How come these unbuttoned pajama incidents never happen to me?

ToDAY is 413. Thank you Hashem so much for giving me sobriety for today. For giving me sanity and for showering your love on me constantly every second of the day!

Thank you coords, Markz, and LoveU Hashem!! 

Today was very good. I listened to a few great shiurim. Love the GYE vids website, really inspirational stuff

I was speaking to a friend about some things and we hit some very chizukdik points that I just want to share.

1) I told him that I have a self-esteem problem sometimes, and he put his hand on my shoulder and said, I have news for you, everyone has a self esteem problem at times. IT's impossible not to. we see only the accomplishments of others awhile we see the accomplishments AND the failures of ourself. We often get caught up in the failure and then think we are very misrable cretins who shouldn't be of any value to anyone, and how could He care about us (a bit comical, but I am definetly guilty of this at times) I found this idea very inspirational.

2) another thing we discussed was the fact that people often focus on what they should be doing (ie. all the good they can accomplish) and then when they don't do it all they feel inadequate. This is silly because there isn't enough time in the day to do everything that one has the potential to do, one must maximize what they do but that's not EVERYTHING. Rather one should remember all the good that they have done, and keep an eye towards maximizing all the good they can be doing in the future in this way we won't forget that we too can add in a positive way to this world and the lives of ourselves and others.

3) we often put limitations on ourselves. There was a study done where they asked a bunch of kids if they can draw. The kids answered unanimously that they could. Then they asked a bunch of adults if they could draw and they said no they couldn't. This puzzled the psycologists studying the groups. Then they realized that the kids we answering the question of if they could irrespective of anyone or anything else draw, and they answered that yes they could draw. The adults compared themselves to famous artists and said that if they couldn't do that then they couldn't draw. The funny thing is that almost any adult can draw better than a kid. But the adults had limited themselves down to nothing in the drawing department because they had some baised view. I think this is profound since I find that I limit myself in different things because I can't do it like ploni. Even if I CAN do it like ME. And I end up throwing out what I can do because it's not worth anything in my eyes. What a deep sheker, that keeps us chained down and limited. (this is a metally imposed chain, as opposed to someone who is disabled and can't physically do something)

we made up to keep a list of positive things that we do this week and compare at the end in order to show us that each of us DOES have a positive impact on the world. Let you know how it goes!

Hatzlacha GYE, KOT!!!!!!!!!