I'll see if it works in a PM. The link has the word BS in it so GYE edits it out, hence destroying the functionality of the link.

Day 227 Baruch Hashem!! Hodu LAshem Ki tov!!

I was having a lot of worrying about the future and things. And it was making me miserable. So I was reading gateway to happiness and I reviewed the pertinent sections. It took most of thursday but when I got home I was living in the present and I can say that I had so much fun just living in the moment (not ignoring the future, but not letting it bog me down). It was so sweet and beautiful. Just being me. Without all of the worrying, self loathing, and other negative thought processes I find myself doing. I don't have words to describe it. Today was a little harder but still so much more pleasant than wednesday and thursday in the first part of the day. I was supposed to go on a date last night, but my kallah had a lot of work to do, so we called a rain check for it. Even though I was all pumped up to go out I put it aside and focused on what she needed, and b'H I was able to have a break through on the worrying. So it worked of b'H.

Just a thought. I know in a lot of the chizuk emails it is written that one should connect with other people to break free. Sometimes just making a phone call can pull someone out of their mood. I was thinking that the reason it works is that a phone call forces someone to live in the present. You can't have a phone call that doesn't sound horribly distracted if you don't focus on the person you are taking to. (it also takes us outside of ourselves which is a good thing too ). 

I'm sure there are other messages of import that making phone calls provide, but that was just a personal thought of mine on the matter.

Have a wonderful shabbos and hop on board the truck we just cleared out some worry-junk so there's plenty of room to go around.

Day 229 Baruch Hashem!!!

Lot of thoughts on my mind. Sometimes it can be really challenging to figure out what an issue actually is. What I mean is that sometimes I find myself going hopelessly in circles of thoughts, trying to figure it out (whatever that means). I think it may just be like was posted before by IHAVEnoSTRENGTH that there is no magical cure for me. There is no poof and its all better powder. There is no shortcuts to having a real, happy and meaningful life. And agonizing over it just makes it all the more difficult. Hoping that somehow somewhere out there there is a solution which when understood would just make everything go away. It's a lie. There are no shortcuts in life. or in LIFE. I think, like he suggests, its important to just put everything aside and just do the next right thing. That is all one is expected to do and that is all one can do. It is impossible to do more than that. This sounds easy, but its not. However, understanding the point is a big step towards implementing it so that's a plus Now the next step: making it real...

Another thing, I have been having fantasies of being with my kallah. Some of it curiousness as to the nature of the workings. Especially the night following the wedding. (I understand now why it is so important to not have a chasson shmuz too early since it paints [not that I have had one as of yet] too clear a picture that one, especially after having seen p**n and had many a lustful fantasy, run wild making up scenarios of what will be.) More and more they come up the thoughts. most of the time it takes me a little bit to realize that what I'm thinking of is just a lustful fantasy and not real. (usually the thoughts start with innocent thinking about her) and sometimes it just goes places it shouldn't) On one hand it's unbearable, on the other hand I recognize that it is a very difficult time since the body does want and needs a sexual release. (hardwired into the system. Yes I know I won't die if I don't have an outlet and viewing it as an outlet may not be the most helpful thing) Then when I have these thoughts it is very hard to separate out  good feelings for my kallah and lust ones. And I know that down the road after the wedding, all my holding back and surrendering will have to be put on the side. (though I guess surrendering to God is still part of it). I don't know what to do. I realize a lot of what I just wrote is full of contradictions and that may be because I am unsettled by the whole thing.

I have so much negative baggage in my mind surrounding sex and intimacy that to me it's like a dirty concept and I don't know how to deal with it emotionally. Upon logical consideration based on what I know I have come up with the following thought process. Or way of looking at it

• I know Hashem wants people to have children.
• There is only one way to do that.
• The designated way is through intimacy with one's wife. 
• the other goal of intimacy is for your wife's pleasure.
• To really give her pleasure I have to put my anxiety and negative baggage about the whole thing on the side. (it would be really helpful to just drop it off the truck, but it just seems to get thrown back in periodically )
• As advised by many wonderful chevra on GYE, If you focus on her you will find a lot of fulfillment and pleasure in the act.
• As a friend of mine said, real intimacy with ones wife is nothing at all comparable to p**n. I hope to try and clear the slate so that the "new" experience doesn't get bogged down with unnecessary bias.
• Therefore, the sum of the matter, sex is a good thing when done properly. That means, with your wife, when she is mutar, with the goal of having children and also pleasuring your wife.
• In terms of lust. I know fantasizing and lusting is not good, and poisonous to an addict. However, if one has no lust towards their wife, how can one be aroused. I don't know how to figure that one out. maybe there is a distinction to be made between bad/good lust or something else.

That is to the best of my knowledge the torah view of intimacy. I'm not the biggest chachum in the area (not even close, so please correct any of my misconceptions)

I just don't know what to do. Trucking it seems is the most important thing. Just keep surrendering and just because thoughts keep on coming as long as I surrender them when they come AND I did not intentionally bring them up then I'm good. The fact that they keep coming sometimes makes me think I am not really surrendering them. This I think makes me feel that surrendering is really hopeless because somewhere deep down inside of me I really crave lust. and when I surrender I am being disingenuous. I have come to the realization, whether correct or incorrect, that this attitude is probably wrong. I can be sincere about surrendering and wanting to recover, and at the same time also have a part of me that doesn't want to let go. Maybe the nefesh hasichli/nefesh habihami explanation for the contradictory desires.

Not giving up. Oh no, Siree!! Just got to keep up the good work! (hopefully will be able to reach my rebbe and discuss some of the past weeks points with him soon.)

Hatzlacha GYE! and thank you for the tremendous chizuk you give me by knowing there are listening ears out there who can hear me out.

ODAAT!!!!!!!!

Way too much thinkin'.

cordnoy wrote on 23 Apr 2017 03:01:

Better than wayward porning id think

TC,

I'm with Cordnoy; too much thinking (and I am the biggest over thinker so if you can avoid it and just chill that would be great if possible)
Here's what you should think about- one, that you should be really proud because doing what you've done as a bachur is pretty special in today's day and age.

Two, you'll find out soon enough about it and you'll see that intimacy can be any of a lot of things- nice, pleasureable, complicated, frustrating.

As for lusting for your wife, I think what most people on the forum differentiate is as follows. Desire for your wife, attraction, that's all great. And that will and should be a part of a healthy marriage.

Lusting where you have sexual desires for her just like you did about other people/images and wanting to be sexual just for the sake of sexuality (hmmm, I wonder if she would let me do x y z) means that you're making it just sexual and isn't so good.

That definitely happens but the goal is for sexuality to be intimacy- part of the normal closeness and depth of the relationship. 

cordnoy wrote on 23 Apr 2017 03:01:

Thank you Cordnoy. I was getting a funny feeling as I was typing it that something was amiss. But you nailed it. Yes Sometimes people think themselves to death. And I'll try to be more cognizant of my fondness for doing it and just surrender the stew of thoughts to Hashem and just move on. (and frankly, most of this mind messing never produces a result that I couldn't have obtained by just asking someone else before agonizing myself over it. So it is better to just skip it and ask from the beginning. Saves the anguish, and solves the problem.) I actually laughed when I read your answer because deep down I knew it was the absolute truth, I just hadn't put my finger on it

@Markz: I hadn't seen that angle, but I am soooo happy that I am not swishing that stuff around my brain.

Thank you WorkingGuy. For elaborating and clarifying that for me. I will try to keep that in mind. I definitely lose track of the fact that what goes on here at GYE and what all the heileger truckers are doing is mightily exceptional, and that I should be proud and be'simcha to be part of this. and I know that Hashem is very proud of the GYE crew and all the great stuff that goes on here. 

Hatzlacha GYE!!! ODAAT.

Baruch Hashem things are going well. (DAY 231) Been up and down, but that's how sailing/trucking is. I spoke to my rebbe in israel about this and he was very helpful. He had to go so we'll finish up today IMY'H.

I think that some things that I need to focus on:

1. having some trust in myself and not second guessing everything I think and everything other people say. (ie. my kallah says, "that wasn't such a funny joke" and then I say in my mind, "she doesn't like my sense of humor. She doesn't think I am funny, etc..." I am pretty funny, I think she likes my humor (at least some of it ) but the point is that because of self-doubt I jump to an extreme conclusion that she must not like me so much.) 
2. Self acceptance: appreciating what I am. Focusing on all of the good that I am and not writing myself off as faulty. I may have faulty thinking (in some areas: read addiction) but that doesn't make me faulty. I think that it is illustrated well in my relationship with my kallah. (without going into details.) I knock myself with negative self judgement (related to point 1) and think (sometimes) that I am not worth it. This is really an insult to her and to me. She accepts me and sees how much I have done and how much potential I have as a person and as a contributor to our future relationship and it is not fair to her to constantly doubt and gnaw away at that (both in my head and in doubting comments). She deserves someone who can live up to his potential and not let the past or future bog them down (I deserve it too ). With Hashem's help I will be zoche to appreciate the me that I am and not the negative imperfections I may have. (the most valuable diamonds have imperfections too, but that doesn't take away at all from their specialness)
3. Gratitude to Hashem and others for all they have done, do, and continue to do for me. (and myself for caring about myself)

So for the next few weeks (maybe even till the wedding we shall see how it goes) I think it is important for me to cfocus on these things. I'm looking forward to putting this baggage aside and not letting it hold me back any longer. Please Hashem help me know what to do and have the strength to carry it out.

I'll attempt to measure myself on these three points with clear good examples and concrete things that I am doing to grow in these areas. 

So today is number 1 for this, and we'll take it from there ODAAT style!

Hatzlacha!!!

Baruch Hashem day 236!!! Thank you Hashem.

Okay, so a few things...

First, My previous post was once again trying to tie this issue to one particular (or a few) things. The three issues I posted about are all important. And a few of them might actually be related or part of recovery but they are NOT the solution. And working on them won't magically solve my problems. That's the first point. So they are not my single minded goals for the future, but rather important things that I shall keep in mind as I continue my journey in recovery.

(This week I was in HALT  which led to HALT. But I recognized it and will make an effort to get some sleep and find things to occupy my brain with.)

Second, I realized that I was slipping these past  week. Very slowly, but nonetheless. And I think that is what led to some of my posts previously. Now, that being said,  what I am calling a slip is miles ahead of where I was 236 days ago. So that is great. The slips were lusting, thinking too much about the wedding night (this comes and goes. I am trying to not beat myself up about it), and lapses in shemiras eynayim. With the latter, I did use the three second rule, but my mind was still seeking it out and I think I noticed more things then I would've otherwise. I did give up some hope during this slip and it took me a while to get out of it. (at least mostly). So this friday, when I was getting fed up with this stuff obsessing in my mind, it spilled over into a lot of little frustrations like why is my desk so messy, or why don't I have any room in my room. (little petty things, most of which were my fault at least indirectly). It was like a zit bursting. I realized that my lapse was just being resentful at Hashem for giving me this struggle. The funny thing is once I realized it it became much easier. I apologized to Hashem during mincha on friday for being resentful and for being angry at him. 

Then I realized that my relationship with Hashem was actually deepening. In general I think my relationship with Him has improved dramatically since beginning with GYE especially for the past 236 days, but this was even more. When I do something wrong, I do teshuva and ask Hashem to forgive me. This time, I apologized to Him like I would if I had hurt a person's feelings. Obviously I can't hurt Hashem's feelings, but the conversation was very real. and I realized that 1) my relationship with Him was deepening, 2) the fact that He keeps challenging me means that He cares about me. If he was indifferent, he would just let me be and not give me the opportunity to save myself, and reach my fullest potential.

Third, this week we had a lot of chizuk about seeing the good in life from the parshas. Not getting into it now, but that also gave me a big boost, especially since I was the one saying the divrei torah. As I was saying it I was thinking wow! this is great stuff and its 100% emes. (wasn't my torah. It was a dear rebbe of mines)

fourth, a friend of mine told me about a roommate he had who was suffering with SSA and was spending his days watching p**n. He had tried conversion therapy, or whatnot and it didn't work and basically, his addiction was to the point that he robbed my friend blind in the night and fled the country. (my friend figured out most of these details after the fact, so don't ask why he stayed roommates with him till this point). I thought, I might be sick, but b'H it hit me while I was still relatively on top.  

fifth, a kid at kiddush came over to me, and said he can't get it out of his mind. I asked him what he meant. He said that he was thinking about where he was going to live with his family when he gets older. He was thinking about it since I'm getting married, he was thinking about when he is married (he is like 9 years old) what he will do with his wife and kids. It was a bit strange, but he told me that he gets very excited about things when he hears them and can't wait till they come. (so much so that his mom, only told him his uncle was engaged the day before.) He's a normal kid. I remember when I was younger my grandparents would buy me a birthday present usually in advance of my birthday. They would take me to the store and I got to pick it out. But then the whole time before my birthday, I would be dying to get my present and wishing I could just have it early. Kids. People get so into something, that they want it and then when it comes they realize it wasn't all that they thought or it was exactly what they thought they just wasted precious energy NOW thinking about it when they could've been doing other things and deal with it when it comes.

Anyway, I've written a lot and it is late. I ordered a hardcopy of the GYE handbook so that I can read it more intensely. (I find that on the computer it's not the same). And I think that I need to just keep working on it and applying the skills that I have learned so far. Thank Hashem for all the goodness that I have and for helping me each step of the way. And try to find things to occupy my mind with (like my school work, learning, or a hobby) which I think will cut down on the shemiras eynayim and lusting issues. Also getting back to working out again. Been out of it since I've been sick. Each time I start up I get sick a few weeks later. IMY"H I won't get sick this time and be able to keep it up consistently.

Thank you chevra, and Hatzlacha with the Trucking.

Never give UP.

Nicely written thanks for the share

One point don't worry so much about thinking about the wedding night there is a reason why the chossen is putur from k'ries shma....(some might not agree with this and they might be right you have to be honest with yourself...)

Thank you MayanHamisgaber. I think you are right. I think I am finding it more difficult because there are other emotions at play that are completely ''normal" and healthy for a man, and very disconcerting and confusing for an addict. So I recognize that this time period is just a time period and once I get married some of these things will settle out. and life will start a new groove. I'm not saying marriage will cure anything. I don't beleive it will. (it's not needing an outlet that is just foolish talk) I'm saying that marriage provides a positive sexual/intimate experience. Like an eating disorder. you don't stop eating, but you learn how to eat. So too here I learn how to have sex in healthy and positive way. (not sure how to reconcile this with the fact that sexual abstinence is possible whereas food abstinence is death). [based on the mask in the mirror]

I have been having many more erections over the past few days than before. I think it is because secretly I am lusting about my kallah. The thoughts come up and I surrender them. But they come up again and again and again and again. Even with surrendering and davening, so I think a part of me is hanging onto them. B'H I haven't acted on any of them in terms of touching myself in anyway. Just adjusting my pants in public (descreetly) can be uncomforable to do. I remember when I started this streak I also had erection issues. And I just kept at it and kept working the recovery and at some point I wrote "the battle I feel is now above the belt" or something like that because at that point I think it was not an issue. But I think that I am slipping now that this has resurfaced. That's point 1.

Point 2, I was having a discussion with my mother (a trained psychologist, developmental psychologist, non-practicing) about what made me decide that my kallah was the one for me? I was answering. (I had some hesitancy when dating her because I was really working on this thing behind the scenes and it was draining me. Oh and I was sick for most of the first four months of dating her. Also, My recovery began a week or two before I was setup with her) She was pressing me about it (not in an invasive way, but it just seemed right to tell her) so I did. I told her the big archs of my story starting from when I began to how I've been working on it and my concerns and anxiety about actually getting married and not wanting to hurt my kallah or my family with my issue. It just all sort of came out. and to my surprise she was completely unfazed by it. She was very happy I told her and very supportive of me and she understood to a large degree what I was going through and how the p**n and fantasizing had messed with my view of women and lusting. I asked her if I should tell my kallah about it (obviously in the right way and not just blurting it out since that would be immensely hurtful to everyone and not be productive in the least). She said that I should keep doing what I am doing and keep myself busy. Also that I should not worry too much about it and definitely not tell her about it. She said that this is a new relationship between my kallah and I and that I don't have to shoot myself or the relationship in the foot before it even starts. Sex is new experience for both of us and that I should go into it with a clear mindset. What was was, and now its a new leaf. (she understands the crookedness of addicts: a smoker keeping two packs of cigarettes so he can show everyone he hasn't opened it). She said that I should give it a few years and see how it goes. And if I feel that it is out of control or I am having a lot of trouble with it then, then we can discuss it with her and move into seeing a therapist and take it to the next level. (I may ask her about seeing a therapist for a couple of sessions perhaps before the wedding. I don't even know if my schedule will allow for that, but I'll check it out and see) She said what I was doing was heroic and that I may not see it like that because I am so focused on the struggle of it to take a step back and realize the significance of what I am doing. I don't know how to end this paragraph elegantly so here is the end.

Thank you guys for being there for me, and I think some of this (point 1) may be related to my boatload of schoolwork I keep procrastinating about. So I will get on that as unpleasant as it may be and I know I'll feel better once I get something accomplished.

Hatzlacha and Keep it up!

 

Dear Chossen

Your honesty is amazing 
You are a lucky man your mother understood, much hatzlacha

KOMT

ToDAY is 252! Thank you Hashem.

A lot has happened since I last posted. I haven't posted in a while, because my school semester is rounding into finals and I've just been very busy. I still update the charts and any forum time I had I was posting on other people's threads. I felt it was more important. So here is an update, I'm still busy but this is important so I'll make some time.

IMY"H I'll be getting married in the next month or so (can't be specific, that's the issue with an anonymous forum. I would love to invite the holy chevra to my wedding but I know that this is not practical so I'll keep you fellows in mind when I'm dancing )

Been struggling a bit with balancing the correct attitude with not being obsessive about bad thoughts. and  the likes. I ordered a hard copy of the GYE handbook, YAY! (about a month ago, there was a shipping problem, hopefully resolved and I look forward to reading it. I think that some elements of yei'ush or resentment that I feel about the struggle will go away with the positive and correct attitudes to have that are written in the handbook. I like hard copies so I can underline and take marginal notes and such. So looking forward.

Random story that happened 3-4 weeks ago: I was feeling very down, and no matter how much praying I was doing I felt very far from Hashem. I kept having hirhurim/erections that were completely unwanted and out of nowhere, I felt really like I was hopelessly sliding down a slope. Then before shabbos I had to run an errand and on the way back I put on the radio. Then I thought to myself, "why listen to the radio (even when it is clean), maybe there is some jewish music in the  car I can listen to" so I put on the CD and what came on was the simcha leiner song "es panecha Hashem Avakeish"! Wow! Shabbos was great...

b'H there is always more to write, but that is for next time...



Hatzlacha!

What a way to head into marriage bli ayin hora. What a lucky wife!  May HKBH give you lots of brocho in your new home! You are an inspiration for so many.

Amen Hashem-Help-Me. After reading the following you may not think I'm such an inspiration but at least I can say that this post was written with honesty.

yesterday was 253.

Yesterday was a wild ride. It started off normally. Had some struggles. The ER (erection) thing has been bothering me a lot. So I looked into getting underwear that might make it less embarrassing in public.

The main point is that I am an addict and I am usually aware of when my ERs are being caused by thoughts and lusting or when they are just spontaneous. As I wrote before, I think that being in deep recovery and in a good mindset causes me to have very few ERs. So the REAL goal is to work on that and not try to find a magic cure to ERs. (a magic cure means that I can get away with not working on it since no one will notice )Sobriety is not about doing it because I might get caught, but rather because it will kill me and destroy my life, and the lives of those dearest to me including my future wife, my future kids, my reputations, and my LIFE. (how do I go back to feeling this realization. The full force of it seems to have faded from my mind)

OKAY,

I brought my ipod with me for the first time in a while on the train and I listened to some shiurim from duvid chaim. And guess what no ER problems for the rest of day (with two exceptions). One, when I called my kallah, but it was an outa-nowhere one and not triggered by thoughts, so that is acceptable, (and it went away very quickly). the second one I'll get to shortly. So I think that my theory is correct in that it is more about keeping busy, working on recovery and the ERs will become more manageable. No magic underwear

Also, what helped, aside from the shiurim, was talking to my kallah in an actively engaged way (active listening and such) and also calling a very close friend of mine that I haven't spoken to for the past few weeks. I was very sober after that.

Then came 10pm...

I got home later than expected from mariv. was dreying around on the computer, GYE and stuff. (that was fine, but I really should've been sleeping. so self-discipline issue) then I was trying to make an order to get a present for my kallah for the yichud room. Jewely or something (that's the minhag I'm told). So I was ordering it. Then I was like (this was stupid) "while I'm making orders why don't I see about buying some of that magic underwear" Guess what the website I went to had an ad for it and it was very triggering without going into details, I was not expecting it. and shut it off within the 3-second rule. But I knew that i had overstepped a boundary.Even though  i surrendered to Him i had still gone looking for it (not for that but honestly what was i expecting to happen in an incognito mode (My filter extends to my incognito tabs, but I think something was stinkin about my thinkin.) So Ifelt how could i expecti HIM to help me after bringing it on myself.

Anyway i made the order for the jewely and went to go to sleep. i will skip the details, but i had three major tests that night. i passed 2 of them myself using various GYE techniques, but the middle one i had no chance and Hashem saved me. I didn't deserve the help but He pulled me out of it anyway and here I am still clean. Today is new day and I intend to not harp on yesterdays experience.

It happened, it's in the past, I intend to take the lessons and be more cautious next time.

lessons learned:

1) don't mosey around on the internet late at night. Go to sleep.

2) don't put myself in a risky situation that is a vaday risk to try and avoid a safek (that realization is what got me to stop by the way) [details aside]

3) Not to focus too much on this fall since that will lead me to another fall. I should just pick myself up and keep trucking without letting it get me down. Just because yesterday was a challenge doesn't mean that today will be. TODAY is a new day and we'll see what it brings.

4) seeing the triggering stuff does not cause me to act out. I saw it, big deal, not pleasant, but I don't have to let it overpower me. The real ticket in recovery is, I think, to be able to see something really bad (not intentionally) and brush it off and keep climbing without any guilt trip or letting it take over your mind. surrender and move on.



==============================================================

Today (take 1),

I feel terrible. And I feel even worse that I feel terrible since I know it is just leading towards a fall. I want to be out. This is really unstabilizing. Going through the day.

What makes it worse is I really enjoyed it. It was amazing and as much as I am trying I can't seem to bring up clear enough feelings of all the bad I feel after. Maybe that is because I didn't finish. (obviously, my yetzer now says, oh so go finish and then you'll have enough bad feelings to keep it fresh in your mind. That may be true, but it will fade as it did last time and then what? I should do it again?! LOL)

As much as I tell myself it is poison to me the lust, it still felt so good. why? WHY? Urrhh... This is so difficult?


================================================================
I'm writing this next one not because I really believe it, but because maybe writing it out will help...
===============================================================

ToDAY (take 2),

Wow!! What a challenging night last night! I passed! Only because of all the personal growth I have achieved over the last stretch here at GYE! I felt as I was going down that I was fighting for every quarter. And at the last minute when all hope was lost, Hashem saved the day! Hashem saved ME! Wow That means He cares about ME. Oh, Boy!

IT's been a challenge today, as expected. The flares of enjoyment will fade. They are just vacous callings. It doesn't help that the weather is very hot so people sometimes forget about their wardrobe in the heat. Silly thing really. On the plus side, the weather is GREAT! and the sun is very warm on my face which is very nice. And the sun is strong enough that it gets me in the eyes sometimes as a friendly reminder that Hashem gives me to show me where I should put them.

I know its going to be tough, but I have grown so much, and I think the real challenge here is not falling away in guilt over this. So that is what I shall be working on.

Thank you Hashem for giving me a real reminder, as I was getting so comfortable and confident with my station. That you for reminding me how much I need Your help in all things especially this. Thank you for not letting me fall. ODAAT*. Please help me for today. If I fall in the future, that's out of my hands, but just for today, I would love to be sober.

ODAAT. ODAAT, and ODAAT.



Thank you GYE, that was a painful post to write.


* Some crazy idea entered me head about falling before getting married being the worst thing in the world. It's not true. if I fall TODAY that is not good. But falling in the future is fine, because hopefully when the future becomes the present, Hashem will gift me with it sober.