I think you're going to be fine mate. May you continue inspiring me and others. You've already accomplished loads and I think it's going to get even better. Just my feeling.

Keep it up, TC. Very inspiring indeed!

My wife and I are both BTs. As it happens we didn't have the nidda period straight after the wedding day. We concluded: "so we made mistakes in the past. Let them ease the future." And this was a good case of it.

I was dreading it, though. I actually don't know how someone would deal with it. But I'm sure if I had had to, I might not have dealt with it properly because I wasn't fixed, or close to being fixed, 3 years ago.

I'm sure you'll be fine. But let me know your experience in that period. Even in email or PM. If you want. I think I might learn something from it.

Today is 206!! b'H!!

Thank you Hashem for everything. It is impossible to thank You enough for all of the help and assistance you provide to me in my life, But thank You nonetheless. I hope to grow in my hakars hatov and recognizing all the good that I have as well as all the good that Hashem and people around me do for me.

I have to confess, I just read my entire thread again. For the first 75% percent of it I was like, "who is this smiley guy. He's just way too happy" Of course I have been trying to resolve some issues in my mind and been a bit down lately so that explains that comment. I will say that, being the above mentioned smiley guy I know what was going on for him in terms of having lust cravings, physical erections out of nowhere, and wet dreams. But the enthusiasm in which he/me accepted them and kept going is really outstanding. Wow! (not to toot my own horn )

Another thing I noticed in rereading the thread is that some of what I wrote in my most recent posts in terms of the two dimensions of ODAAT, one of which not previously considered. Is a LIE. I had considered the surrendering future events one or two pages previously in several posts. So that part of my thinking was a bit crooked. (need to watch out for that sneaky brain glitch )

@singularity: I will see how it goes. Probably forum is not the best, most likely a PM or something. I have to talk to a rebbe of mine in terms of what is the appropriate way and what should be discussed and shared with others. (even him). So I'll keep you posted.

@IHAVEnoSTRENGTH:


I think this is a big part of my issue. I don't have peace on the whole thing yet. That is I have not sorted out normal sexual behavior, attraction, arousal, and interaction and how it is different from LUST? I think once I get more clarity on some of these things and how to look at this in the RIGHT way, then I'll be able to accept it more easily and learn to live with it, as it slowly fades over years. IT took about 10 years to get in, it should take about that long to get out. One big difference between the going in and the getting out is that I didn't work to put it in my head, I am working to get it out so maybe it won't take 10 years. But even if it takes a lifetime, that is okay too. At this point it's up to Him and I just have to do my part which I am still figuring out more exactly.

(man! emotions are really complex things. I have only really been addressing my emotional side in like the past six years or so, and more intensely in the past six months here. It's not easy for someone who spends a lot of time trying to rationally solve problems, to be dealing with a problem that is so different) But hey! It's an opportunity for growth, and I'll take it!!

Thank you guys once again for the chizuk! If I believed in myself as much as everyone else around me and on this forum it would really be something! IMY"H I will reach that point.

So that is that, before I close, I have one last share...

I Wednesday, I had an AMAZING day. (maybe it had something to do with me crying my eyes out to Hashem in mariv the night before. I just cried in pain at feeling so overwhelmed by this challenge and I surrendered in a real powerlessness. I said if Hashem doesn't help me then there is nothing that I can do.)  

I was literally 'MR. Happy" for the day. Everything, was taken in stride, I did a lot of chessed, interacted with all kinds of people (men, and women) in a sober and energetic fashion. I studied a lot for my  upcoming exams and it was great!!! I just kept smiling and trying to live NOW. That was my main focus. If I was sitting somewhere waiting for an appointment with the bursar, I was like, 'what can I do now to take advantage of this moment.' it was very powerful. (I walked almost double my usual pace the whole day). I'm sure everyone's had at least one day like this. I've had several b'H!!!!

But I think that it was a freebie from Hashem. Showing me that true the cravings are very hard, and painful, but if you live like this, you won't be in pain, and life not only won't be unbearable, but it will be full of energy and happiness. The next day, I was in that mood about 30% of day. But that one was on ME. So I just need to keep stepping it up one day at a time and build on the previous. 

Let the trucking* continue!!! and may everyone of us have an amazing shabbos!!!

Sorry for another long post... 
*please talk to Reb Markz for the halachic heter  for trucking on shabbos!!

You have to shift your Truck into Shabbos mode where it works on default drive as invented by the "shabbbat.com" group (advertised recently on gruntig pending Rabbinic approval) and is powered with the concept of "hasarat mo'nea" = surrender

Its actually the preferred form for weekdays too

Thank you Markz!! Love the explanation.

Day 208 Baruch Hashem!!! Thank you Hashem for helping me through.

This shabbos was not good, but I think it is because I am worrying too much. It took me a while to sort out that that was my issue (and I am addressing that now). (This post is strictly positive and I was very down over shabbos. No falls b'H!!!!!!, but I can't say I didn't come close, so that was amazing help from Hashem even if I didn't see it at the moment.) Whatever it was was*. I have put it behind me, and I continue to move forward one step/day at a time.

I was rereading gateway to Happiness by Rav zelig pliskin shlita and I happen to be up to the chapter on self esteem. I couldn't believe some of the gems that were written there. (I didn't remember them from the last time I read it. Just guess that I need to reread it more often ) He writes there that worry is a bad habit. It has to do with how we look at the world. It does NOT stem from an inherent part of us. Meaning that when I excuse my anxious or nervous behavior with, "oh I am just a nervous person" it isn't true. (I understand there are people who may have it as an issue, but I know for me what he is saying is Emes!) I am not a nervous person. When I get myself all wound up, and start living in the future then I get nervous, but I know that when I am present, positive, and proactive I am very calm and nothing rocks my boat. Given this realization it is so important that I focus on the three P's and may Hashem bless me and all of us to be able to live now,

One example where I think I have reduced my anxiety by a lot, Davening for the amud. I am great davening for the amud during the week; no problem! And I know that for the most part I am fine davening on shabbos and Yom tov (and b'H Hashem has given me a good voice and I enjoy using it) However, sometimes when I get asked to daven for the amud on a shabbos, I get very nervous before hand, but once I have davened or even once I start I usually am fine. Recently, I told myself that if I really want to be able to daven for the amud without any problems, I will just agree to daven whenever the gabbai asks me. If I mess up, so be it. Hashem gave me the talent to do a good job, whether or not I do a good job it's up to him, but I feel much more genuine when I go up. Not trying to impress anyone, just trying to use my voice in service of Hashem and to make a nice davening nicer. I have found that it takes away like 90% of the nervousness since I am excited to do it (and by being excited my davening is also so much better)

note - so funny that Even when I get complimented on my daveing, weekday and shabbos, (and I get complimented regularly for having a good pace, not swallowing words, and generally just a decent job) the YH sneaks in a sows doubt. (oh maybe it wasn't so good, you could've done better, no one said amain cause no one cares about your davening, everyone noticed that hesitations, etc... mostly 100% derogatory untrue self judgments) I used to feel it a lot when I was younger and one time a guy who is known as one of the nudnicks came over to me with a big smile (he smiles a lot when he is up to mischief too) and gave me a big yasher koach. I thought he was being sarcastic because I had thought I messed something up (it was really minor and I don't think anyone noticed either way). He was taken aback by it, and I felt really bad for miss calling him out. That made me realize how much I was negatively overthinking it and I think I have made great gains in taking people and their well meant and sincere compliments sincerely.

last comment. I think a lot of the worry was worrying about so many potential screw ups with marriage. (It's funny that no one worries that maybe their marriage will turn out better than they expected... )

Hatzlacha GYE and let the trucking continue, One day at a time!

​

*I'll deal with it with a rebbe most likely. Or not. Sometimes you just need to move on and keep the momentum  and positivity up and not get stuck in a potential rut.  

Day 209 Baruch Hashem!!!!

@Markz:


I think I detect a deeper message in this that I missed on my first read: Don't struggle with understanding or being at peace with it. Just accept it and surrender it. Struggling with it is not giving it up to Him. Is that what you meant Reb Markz? 

Thank you GYE!!! Let the trucking continue!! Hatzlacha and remember whatever happened today is now in the past and tomorrow is a fresh new start.

Day 212!! Chasdei Hashem!! One day at a time!!!

A few things. One, I noticed that I beat myself up over a glance. Let me explain what I mean with a story that happened to me. I was walking by a subway platform (Seem to have a lot of interesting stories around subway platforms) and I noticed* a group of girls with a tour-guide/teacher. I was with my chavrusa and we just walked past them with no issues. While all of us were waiting on the platform, I hear their guide lining them up against the wall to not block the people walking on the platform. I was positioned so as not to be looking at them. But I did see a guy walk past and he looked in the direction of the girls, and he scanned them head to foot. (like a copy machine). Then it struck me that a lot of beating up we do to ourselves (myself certainly included) is over a mere glance. [I was re-reading the gye handbook and the 3-second rule so it was fresh in my mind]. This is why the 3-second rule is so crucial!! (thank you Hashem for giving me brains enough to be able to learn from different experiences!!)

Second, I was thinking the 3-second rule can be applied to thoughts as well, however, sometimes thoughts take more than 3 seconds before I realize they are bad. The yesod is the same I believe, but it is a slippery slope to tweedle out a set number of seconds. I think it's just, when you notice that the thought is going places it shouldn't, just surrender it and switch to a new thought. Only, if one actively goes after the thought once realizing that it is bad is there an issue. Is this correct? 
    A) Yes
     No
    C) Yes, but...
    D) No, but...

and finally, I think some of my self denial (having trouble accepting myself) comes from being on the fence about the whole addict thing. What do I mean? Well, In truth I think that I am an addict because my difficulty in lusting is usually correlated pretty well to a feeling emptiness, boredome, sadness, lack of self-esteem, anxiety, and not just to triggering images. On the otherhand, I have not figured out how to deal with that understanding in terms of my future wife. Meaning, if what I have is an illness (and i understand there are degrees) how can someone be married to another and not tell them they have an illness like this. If I had diebetes c'v I would have told her already (heck, she probably would've noticed) but because I have not sorted out how to share it or if sharing it is even good for me and fair to her, it seems easier to tell myself that I am not an addict and just get on with it and it is a crazy yetzer hara issue, or that I am just more triggered than usual especially as I approach the wedding and the prospect of intimacy looms. (Now that I have this mental contradiction clear I do plan on discussing it with my rebbe to see what he says.

In the meantime, I will continue reading the handbook, since these principles always need refreshing. I will continue to post on the forum at least weekly, and talk to Him a bit more about all this.

These are some of my thoughts, feel free to disagree, I would be happy to discuss them with you. I keep writing these long posts. That's just what comes to mind as I write. Sometimes I'll write one idea, and then when I finish I think of another. Maybe I should keep a long document of all my thoughts and then serialize it and put them up one thought at a time (OTAAT )

I had an amazing hashgacha story about getting a position somewhere, tune in next time...

Hatzlacha GYE and keep the trucking up!!!! 



p.s. 
*didn't stare or check out in any way.

Day 212 b'H!!!

I just wrote a long thoughtful post, but I accidentally deleted it. Oh well...

Here's a short one I guess. Hatzlacha GYE and let the daily trucking continue!

Here's your missing post buddy

You're not subscribed for emails to your thread????




Please keep them coming!

Breath of fresh air!!

OBAAT




Subway manager?

@Markz, why did you strip all his smilies, and how did you find his post if he deleted it!

I copied from my email 
when you paste directly with smileys and all, all paragraphs melts into one after you click submit 

so I had to paste into "source" in order to retain spacings, but the smileys aren't in "sauce", only with reb TC

ohhh he deleted it after posting it!
Good job!

GrowStrong wrote on 06 Apr 2017 13:20:

I restored it, with all the smilies.

All for free....you lucky I don't charge per emoji.

@Markz Clever thinking to get it from the email. How does one subscribe to a thread? Thank you!

@Cordnoy, Thank you for pulling the post out of the nether! I wanted to edit it after posting since choice b) had become an emoji unintentionally, but I accidentally clicked delete on it. Thanks a Bunch!!!



One smiley for each of you.

@IHAVEnoSTRENGTH: Thank you for the link, but it doesn't seem to open for me. (a page not found error or something.) Do you have a better link for that?

Day 215 b'H!!! Thank you Hashem for holding my hand and helping me on and on one day at a time!!!

The amazing hashgacha story is... (markz, not subway manager, though the subway system where I live usually has lots of summer intern jobs, so I would've looked there next )

I was trying to find work for the summer to get some experience in my field, but I had very little success. I applied to five or so different places (way before deadlines). One of them was very promising, but they didn't get back to me. Anyway, after spending another bout of trying to find something, I came to the conclusion that it is very unrealistic at this point to get anything at this point after most deadlines. Anyway, I davened to him and just said whatever will come will come. and then I was walking somewhere and a professor, that I know walked by (normally very hard to reach) and I just asked him if he has anything for the summer. He said maybe and went on his way. That was two weeks ago. 

then a couple of days ago I said let me go to his office and follow up about that since my follow up email wasn't noticed. So I went and began walking towards the staircase to get to the floor his office is on and what do you know he comes walking right down the stairs towards me and before you know it I have a research and development job for the summer with some potentially great benefits. Chasdei Hashem!!!!!!  

Keep up the trucking!!!