Sorry to hear you're having a hard time. I also went through a phase where when I first started here I was very inspired with frumkeit and long davening, extreme shmiras einayim etc.. But I was also obsessing and beating myself up over every little slip and hating myself. After a couple of months it was unsustainable and I went into a blah period where i just didnt care. I stayed mostly clean but a lot of slipping and a few falls. eventually things stabilized and I think I found a balance where i'm not perfect, but i accept that that's the way it is and i dont beat myself up over it. And my davening etc. isn't so intense but it's still way better than it was before I started and it just feels more natural and not like i'm trying to "do teshuva". I hope that you can find that balance and feel comfortable with yourself and with the people around you.

Oh one other thing...

Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 20 Mar 2018 15:39:

Unfortunately I acted out.

Overloaded my brain with porn. Wife fetched me from work, went home did normal thursday night stuff, put kids to sleep, spoke til about 11PM, when I went to sleep my entire body seethed with pleasure and my heart raced furiously. I didn't last much longer.
I thought I could not act out while still viewing porn. I thought I could control things.

But I know I can't.
Today I feel okay. Tired. The usual stuff, ashamed, hypocrite etc. Um. Yup.
KOT

Sorry to hear

Hows the meetings going?

I think you have my number, I'm still waiting to chat :-)

Thanks for sharing even though it was difficult.

In a weird way, I sometimes find these posts more motivational than the successful ones. As time goes on I forget the pain of acting out. That pain is what keeps mee somewhat sane. And the raw emotion as tough as it is, is what will be"h keep you sane In the future.

Be well and kot.

Thanks guys for the feelz.

Crashed and burned over shabbos, yesterday. no porn just masturbation. And usually at night trying to sleep. Urge, no resistance, rinse repeat.
Trying to live today for today.
KOMT

Hey Sing!
I love you man!! 


Sorry to hear your having a bit of a snag...

I just had a very difficult chol hamoed, getting in a very me centered viewpoint. Each day it got worse, until I realized after much unnecessary heart ache, that it was all okay and I just needed to open up and put on my outward focus glasses. I've been through this slow shift to self centeredness (not saying that that is what you are going through, hang with me a sec while i get to my point ) cycle many a time, and in the moment I don't remember that the simple solution is just to do what feels so uninspiring and unhelpful but that which is the most helpful and that is to take it one day at a time, call someone, get out there and be a giver. This time i'm going to write it down so I can look at it next time and do it anyway when I'm in this trench.

My long and winding point is, that have you may have ways that you have emerged from similar situations in the past and they are the key (the learning gems) to get out of this same predicament. My heart goes out to you. and I wish you much hatzlocha!

Also, think of all the bajillion times you had lust and didn't give in, and how Hashem got you through those moments, and how it went away completely many times after only a short while. Just as He did it then, He will do it again, and again, and again ... and again ... (try this, I had a major ER and was under a big lust attack a few months ago, I said, let me time how long it takes to go away, so i put on my chronometer and then did something else, and it completely went away, in all of its unbearableness, in about 2.5 minutes)

Your honesty is truly inspiring. feel free to get in touch if you are feeling in a trench. 



p.s. If anything I said comes off as "I know better than you" or belittling in any way, I don't mean it. I am just trying to relate from my own experience, and I hope something in what I said maybe will be found of help to you or some other chashuva super star on this great site.

KUTGW!!!!!!

A small hello from afar.
hello!
So here's the deal, it's been a long time. And there was once a post I made stipulating how veterans should return from time to time. And I really value your friendships and support.

Here's where I stand.
I was going through a really low period. At first not acting out, but I wasn't eating properly, barely davening, not putting on tefillin etc.
Eventually I went back to the porn and and my old ways. I was in such a rut, truly. I once acted out because I lost a chess game. Really. 
Anywho long story short my wife bought me The Committed Life which I really wanted to read, and I read it and just loved it and somehow things just came piecing back in my life. I gained a God-given zest for all things Yiddishkeit and my recovery has never been stronger. I thank God for this gift that erupted beautifully.
I was eating unhealthily through all this, and one day I got this really bad chest pain. I phoned a doctor friend and he said don't worry about it. It went on for a week and then, out of panic, I went to see another doctor. We did all tests and THANK GOD nothing was wrong, but I still hear his words, "I hope this serves as a wake-up call regarding your weight".
And it did. I don't know how. Since then I've been well under calorie goals every day, BH. This was just before Tu b'Av. Only 1st day RH did I go over. But I am losing weight and all things. I am also sober since somewhere around the beginning of July.

The job I have is really cool. I am learning and becoming in an expert in a very universal skill. We got a big raise and we're not necessarily "struggling" for the moment. I go to weekly meetings and am in constant contact with my sponsor. We go to the same shul now. I feel a lot more at home at this new shul.

For those who have been following this thread from the beginning, this post brings a lot of closure to a lot of issues I've brought up before. I feel God's given me a new breath of life.

The biggest thing is the food issue for me. well, the lust obviously, but the food thing is a good feeder habit (no pun intended).
I am grateful that food has much less power over me. For today I don't feel compelled to binge on desserts, chips or snacks. I haven't had any fizzy drinks in the last 2 months either.

There was a point where I tried to kid myself into thinking I am recovering when I neglect my religious and spiritual responsibilities and eat whatever and whenever I want. The three work in tandem for me. My recovery is at risk if I'm not at least supporting all three in some way. If I'm learning and "abstinent" but eating all things, my heavy chest and lethargy will compel me to go back to my fantasy world where I'm the hero. If I run and stay sober, but don't at least engage with God on some level in a religious sense, I will lose everything too. I can’t kid myself. I’ve done that before.

Doesn’t mean I have to be a tzaddik. Just to daven with some sort of kavonah and put on tefillin. Learn a little something.

So currently I am running well (which reduces my sick time, I have noticed!!), my praying is very profound. Dov once spoke about interacting with God in English. I try say some of the brachos in English. Especially over Rosh Hashona it was a lifesaver.

My wife and I are trying to be more active in our new community. She’s spearheading the children’s service, hopefully, and everyone already knows us as the cake making people, haha.

Even relationships with my parents are alright. It’s crazy.

I guess all I can say is thanks. To all people who’ve played a crucial role in my life. And you guys for hearing me out. May we all recover together and have a good year.

Brother - I'm happy you're doing well

Keep on Trucking and don't slow down for those honey cookies

Awesome stuff! KUTGW!!!

I would say the opposite. If you don't keep it in the forefront of you mind, you can forget and let your guard down.

@inastruggle

What's your profile image? Looks inappropriate...

farblunjet wrote on 22 Oct 2018 19:15:

Inna's been offline for a couple of years now (Hope he's not farblunjet).

The picture is a statue of Samson wrestling with the lion.

Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 22 Oct 2018 20:01:

oh ok. very appropriate then --in a way.

BTW, those wheel you have... my oh my .. with those you must never have gotten farblunjet in bluteh 

Hi. I know it's been a while!

Just a short share. Really I mean it!\

This morning I was davening alone in our playroom (which I love!), groggy and upset about being up so early, haha. And I didn't feel at all close to my God. And I remembered I was sober the day before and yesterday morning I said a quick first-step prayer asking for sobriety for the day, and I reflected now that even though I was resentful to God and thought he was really a big Jerk, he did keep be sober yesterday, even though I was quite a baby. I smiled and thought maybe He could do it again today. So I said the same prayer, and hey it's going good so far!