Where are you Singularity
Hope you are all right 
Please let us know

The GYE fam.

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 14 May 2017 17:20:

Thanks Mayan

Still Kickin'!
Working hard. Learning hard.

Trying to block out unpleasant realities. Like all our debt. I told my wife, today, we are sustained. Today, we are okay.

She replied, "Yes, I understand. But don't forget, today, we are also in major debt."

Reality check.

Makes me want to check out.

But it's good to keep in mind. 

Hate to throw the book at you, but over of the promises is "fear of financial insecurity will leave us." That's something I want to have in my life and something I'm going to get if I work my program.

Shlomo24 wrote on 15 May 2017 15:36:

Does the book give a time frame of how long that takes?
If one has a fear of financial insecurity, is he, by definition, not working the program?

Bigmoish wrote on 15 May 2017 17:43:

No timeframe. But it's a promise. On God's time.

Shlomo24 wrote on 15 May 2017 17:45:

So maybe Singularity is indeed working the program...?

I eagerly await that promise.
On God's time.

Our credit card maxed out today. And I haven't yet acted out! I don't think there could be a bigger trigger than that. So maybe the promise is working.

I'll wait for it.

In the meantime I'll use this instead. Anyone else have it?



(you can see it's a fake, because this brand really only guarantees 24 hour protection )

I'm impressed. Maxing out a credit card sounds really scary to me.

Thanks for the warm messages and care and love.

Sometimes my absence indicates a productive working day. Perhaps you can use GYE activity as an inverse fiscal indicator. Maybe.

In the last week my whole family has been down with the flu. Our cards maxed out and therapy with my dad blew out of scale, leaving us all as resentful as ever. I cracked on Friday and viewed inappropriate videos. And yesterday.

Yesterday I was caught at work, but contrary to the horror picture I conjured in my mind to what might happen, the situation was handled sensitively and one-on-one. I explained my addiction and got off with a warning. But I entered my SAA meeting a broken man. Good thing it was a Step 1 meeting. I was powerless; I am powerless. 

I resent God for not giving me the ability to deal with life adequately, that everything has to be so difficult, that I fold whenever the going gets tough (however BH my tolerance to stressful situations has indeed risen). I think the effects of the divorce and the family conflicts growing up are paying dividends. But whatever.

I am clean as per the SA sobriety definition. I heard a recording about getting the jackas-s out of the hole first, worrying about "do I reset my count" later. I attune myself to the philosophy of SA. PG I have a sponsor who we'll skype every wednesday. BH things at work are becoming less toxic. Then this happened. Haha. But I still feel in a way it's not as toxic as it should have been.

It attests to the unmanageability of my life. All that's gone down so far. And I really don't want to ruin the lives of those closest to me. And I really expected a much worse "slip" after so long in sobriety. Perhaps it's not the loaded spring theory.

I talk with GrowStrong my good friend. he commented, "wow, Hashem loves you like crazy, giving you a wake-up call like that".

I know. It just hurts so much. 

Sorry you are having rough experiences. It takes courage to post about the challenges, and it takes a wise man who has obviously worked on himself so much to have the impetus to get up, shake off the dust, and move on forward. Even in your trying matzav, you are a beacon of light to the rest of us. These struggles make us into better people. Thanks for giving us the chizuk to honestly deal with our struggles by sharing yours. May Hashem give you brighter days.

Thank you for sharing. I hope you find serenity. Sometimes these moments help propel our recovery.

Sing, sorry to hear your going through such a challenging time. You are a big role model for and you give me so much inspiration. It's the people like you in this community that make it comfortable to be honest with ourselves and keep coming back here and posting about our own challenges. 

Thank you so much, and may Hashem Bless you a thousand fold! 

Remember: its hard to beat a guy who never gives up  

Keep on trucking!!!

Markz wrote on 31 Jan 2017 02:59:

I wonder what things have been transpiring in my long absence. I'll give a breakdown of things that have transpired for me.

First of all, I love you all. 

So, I got a "warning" at work that were I to do that again (looking at porn on some youtube alternative website) they would take action. The next day, I was summoned once more and told I was actually going on a paid suspension until the next Tuesday. We were on Erev Shavuos so I wouldn't have been at work much anyway. They needed time to make a decision. So needless to say Shavuos was more an anti-Shavuos where I was in more-or-less catatonic state at home, venturing out once to have second day lunch at a friend of my wife's. 

My greatest pain was that my wife didn't know what went wrong. What I did. I told her it was a misconduct, coupled with the uncertainty of the position in the first place (read my story from start to finish for full pshat). She knew about 12-step meetings and how (and she commented too) they greatly improved my life and aspirations and reactions to reality. But on Second Day, 7 Sivan, I told her about my addiction and just why this was all happening. We had a long talk. a good talk. she told me I was sensitive, caring and mindful of her through the whole conversation. I made it not about her. Just that my mind was warped and I was diseased. I was afraid she'd take me as a fraud. A fake (see Dov) and not who she wanted to marry. But she didn't. She loved me wholeheartedly and the fact I was actually doing things to recover was the real clincher. We grew very much closer that day. She knew my darkest secret.

It was good timing, too, because the very next day we had a healthy baby boy, BH. I don't think the conversation would have gone down as well for her if we were in Niddah. It was a God-given opening for a crucial discussion. And perfect timing.

Shavuos for me was just about surviving from one minute to the next. The next week was such an influx of emotions, the joy of the light amidst the darkness, our son, versus the trauma of the work stuff. I remember driving to that meeting the next tuesday, I could hardly breathe I was so stiff with fright. Would I still have a job? What would I do? How would we survive? Would my wife forgive me?

They agreed we part ways, the business and I. And they agreed to pay 3 months' salary and 12 therapy sessions. I got into a morning kollel for 2 weeks and night seder. After so many months of tension, of feeling I wasn't even needed at the job, of the fear of inadequacy, I could finally exhale. Now I realise the brocha. I wanted to leave. I really did. But I was scared. And this is how it happened. Not to say what I did was right, but I feel God really loves me. I know, it's a given.
So the learning went into bein hazmanim and it gave us a chance to just relax, after all this. I was home all day, we did cool things as a family and Hashem blessed us with an extremely short Niddah period, too. Weird. Bein hazmanim non-Niddah with three kids under 3. Fantastic. Therapy opened me up to my suppressed passion for life and I finally got around to things I had wanted to do for years, like getting my bicycle fixed and selling mayonnaise! Well, I've only sold one jar so far, but I hit the goldmine on the flavour.

I did act out at some point. The week after the bris. Three times in quick succession. I got sick again. I went to the doctor, broken, asking him (supported by previous advice) that he give me anxiety medication. Just to get through a day. He did and I started to feel it. I'm a lot calmer, no matter what has happened and I haven't acted out since.

Two days before Yeshiva began again, I got a job and I started the day Yeshiva started so it was a brief 2-week learning stint. So here I am, same environment, same pitfalls, but a new opportunity.

I scrapped my smart phone and got a smarter one, with just phone and sms. I cancelled my internet at home; if anything we have my in-laws' wifi and my wife's phone which is monitored. But here I am at work again, with those same wafting ideas in my disturbed head.. Nothing will stop me but myself. Nothing will work but rigorous adherence to the program and massive character development and growth.

I have been slacking a lot in my religious activities. Night seder started up, but my minyonim attendance is quite minimal. I don't know why. I'm still dealing with a lot of acceptance issues, especially in our kehilla. Even though we now have a unifying Rov, it still feels quiet, I still feel distant. Also from doing nothing to a full-time job is a big change. I need to breathe, re-orient, and not feel bad for these things. Massive life changes are hard. A new kid, a new job....

I really want in life to be a good husband, father with lots off little kids just running around all the time, churning wherever we live, full of life, happiness. I think I am achieving that. My real dream. I am so grateful to God for that.

Thanks for hearing my rant. Hope to be a bit more active now. Thanks for all your support so far.