Thank you kind sir. It makes me a much karma person.

Hi guys

Day 35? Good BH. I like big numbers.

The last three days have been wonderful. I've been maintaining a good schedule. The shul I go to, they auction off Hakofas on Simchas Torah for hours of learning. Last year I bid an insane amount, 323 hours, for Sh'vi'i of the day. You get until the end of Chanukah to finish it. It amounted to 70 days. Do the math and that's an average of over four hours a day. Now consider one kid, a pregnant (and VERY supportive) wife and an 8-hour-a-day job. My wife would take care of our daughter at night so I could get some sleep and wake up at 3:30 to get in about 4 hours of learning before work. It really transformed me. I felt I was really mekayeim the pasuk kol hayom hi sichasi. Think Torah, live Torah, breathe Torah. I learned thoroughly the gemora Niddah and large chunks of Tur Shulchan Aruch on the topics. I wrote a fantastic summary of siman 186 in Yoreh Deah. We even went on holiday in between. I would get up early, do Shacharis on the roof overlooking the sea and SHTEIG! on the beach! (without my far-seeing glasses on )
On the last day (Zois Chanukah), I remember the last hour, typing out a gevaldiked'var Torah about Yosef's Malchus vs. Yehuda's Malchus according to Rav Shimshon Pincus. And after that I was drained, emotionally, spiritually. I wanted to rest. To wake up later than 3:30 AM for once! So as you can figure out, it was unsustainable (obviously). 
This year I vouched for a little over 2 hours a day, which is very attainable, given I am now in a shiur for an hour and I have a chavrusa for an hour and give a Dirshu shiur for about ten minutes a day. And I feel good and motivated and the commitment keeps me coming to the shiruim and the chavrusas which is really building up goal 2 of the year: integration into society. and WHAT a shiur! It's an amud yomi shiur, given by a wonderful rav who has Smicha from Rav Moshe Feinstein. For the first time in my life I was in awe, as I sat in the shiur watching him talk, I was thinking, I am hearing the Torah of r' Moshe Feinstein. I feel connected. To chachamim, z'keinim and ultimately to Sinai and Hashem. I only wish to build on this.

A sobering disclaimer, though, is that post-Sukkos has always been a high period for me. I feel that this tremendous yoke has been lifted and now I can "do my own thing" in my yiddishkeit. Funny that. The yomim noraim I feel is like a giant checklist: slichos long davening shofar tashlich slichos kaparos slichos fasting building buying leaves making sure they don't dry out buying more leaves replacing dried out leaves yomtovs eating sleeping eating shlepping lulav making sure there are no sudden movements that will clip off the tips moving out your house sleeping in the mud crazily moving back in due to rain moving back out cooking cleaning aravos all night learning quasi sukkah meals hakafos and dancing dancing dancing (community breakfast).
and Now I can breathe, go to a normal Shacharis at a normal time and have more time to learn .
Thought this holiday was different, I felt. I took Sukkos a lot more seriously. I was mevater most of my learning time knowing it was Ratzon Hashem to shlep build cook eat. and It's just my ego getting in the way. Whenever I remember my first frum Simchas Torah, I want to kick myself in the teeth. The conversation went something like this:

A friend and I were looking for a place desperately to learn. In some Batei Midrash, people were dancing, others, Rosh Yeshiva's families had moved over for the Chag and beds were everywhere.
Me: This is ridiculous.
Friend: Yeah. There isn't a single place to learn in peace and quiet!
Me: Right? It's not fair! All they're doing is dancing. We actually want to LEARN the Torah!

What Chutzpah! I now want to tell myself, Rashah! Where was this burning desire when you slept late every day of Zman!? Now you think you're so righteous because you wish to learn!? Go put on a dunce cap, dance and thank Hashem for this enormous gift!!!

So BH I've changed. And all in 5 short years.
And the 2 hours a day is SUSTAINABLE! And I've been reading up on lots of material on GYE in my downtime at work, stories from "you and Eye", and other people's journeys. Maybe I can't be so outgoing in real life but on the forum, it's good practice in the middah to really feel for others and post meaningfully and not just say "WOW, good work"!

so the sobering disclaimer ha'na"l is that BH these last three days have been great and I feel very motivated for learning, and lots of purpose, HOWEVER I need to keep in the back of my mind that I can't sit on my laurels for too long, this is normal, usual and doesn't feel like a test. The strain will be in the dying weeks of marCheshvan, Kislev. This is just building up ammo, cannon fodder to fight the bigger fight. It's the proving grounds. I must be aware of that.

So here I am at 35 days. Let me compound it to my negative side (365) and make it 35 years. May we all be Matzliach

Great stuff.
 keepI it up.
 you forgot your address and phone number.

So why do we dance, drink and use our body to celebrate the spiritual learning of the Torah? Let us learn all day!?

BH over day 50. A slip here and there, but not a fall. a BIG slip on sunday night, wife was asleep, I had unblocked youtube due to a filter fault.... But Thank G-d I turned off in time. Then tuesday morning I had a maps app on my phone unblocked because I needed directions to somewhere and stupidly didn't block it again. And you look up places and they have photos of and about the place so it's dangerous for me. Because of the thrill of "what can you find"....
But I went through all of it and came out clinging to a lifeline and am still clean. But it takes a toll on my frustration levels. I am going to ask a rav tonight if it is at all a good idea to tell my wife about my addiction, (maybe not disclose how many times I fall) but tell her why (10+ years of constant porn bombardment) and how some days it takes all my energy just to stop it. And that this explains why I'm upset for no reason and I love her... but I'm scared. I almost told last night but the baby woke up screaming and we were both awfully tired.
But it's nearing a possibility. And I'm scared to death, but I feel it would be for the good. But I need a da'as Torah which is what I'll try get tonight.

Hatzlocha all

PS cordnoy, well we dance because we are SUPPOSED to have been learning the rest of the year and full of emotion for how beautiful a life it is. (but my Yeshiva self slept through the year :D :D)

I have zero experience with disclosing to wives, however, I know many who got messed over. Please do research to make sure the Rav is qualified. I cannot stress this enough. So many people have gotten burned by well-meaning, and even respected, but incompetent therapists/rabbis. Ultimately what caused me to drift from my Rebbi was that I realized he's incapable of understanding my situation and I wasn't helping myself. There are some Rebbeim that are notoriously good with this subject, Rav Elefant from Mir is a name that first comes to mind.

When they bring rav Elefant to South Africa again, I'll try shmooze him up. 
So I fell. Gosh. But I had 60 days clean and I went to an SAA meeting later that day. It's amazing how much support I got. It really helped to get me back on my feet. Usually I fall into a deep depression and wake up late, neglect my health etc. This time the very next morning I was up at 4:00 AM for a long run and then a good 2 hours 20 minutes of learning before work. And I feel energetic and revitalised, ready to step back into the ring and surrender myself even more this time to Hashem's will. PG This will hit 90. But ODAAT.

Day 7 and going strong BH. I got really sick thursday night and we spent a pleasant shabbos at home the whole time. As my wife is also sick (pregnant BH) and can't stand the thought of cooking meat, we were conflicted in buying a pre-made barbequed chicken for Shabbos lunch or gourmet sushi. And well, we chose the sushi and were extremely delighted on our choice!
Being sick is weird. I feel so conflicted with Hashem. I want to learn, work and exercise and I'm reduced to doing nothing. I guess the avodah is the same as step 2. Surrendering. Not thinking I can do it all by myself. and that God has a greater plan for me. Doesn't even need my input. But it's hard. Because the world carries on and demands you're never sick. Ugh. Oh well. BH I'm working on it. Let's keep it up, y'all. Day 7.

So I fell. Not in my astute definition of a fall (I did not masturbate) but I did intentionally look for and view schmutz. and bad stuff. Unbridled stuff. And I don't want to find loopholes to keep my streak going; I actually just want to be honest with myself. I am NOT sober if I am wasting my time and browsing sites under false pretences.

So I want to start honestly.
And I was sick this week and I realise more and more what it means that this addiction is a disease and how not to beat myself up about it.
For example, last night I made my laptop a wifi hotspot so I could use our mobile internet on my wife's unprotected phone and not deplete her airtime or data. But at a point my laptop lost battery and in the time of recharging it and setting it up again, the phone reverted to data usage mode and before I knew it my wife's airtime and data were both depleted completely. so to "cover my tracks" i had to replenish the data / airtime. And what a waste of money. Like, my gosh it was so unnecessary. And I was beating myself down. I was almost like "Well now I'm gonna get my money's worth!!!" as I pursued further to fulfil my desire. Thank G-d the baby woke up and my wife walked out and we actually had a pleasant night. But I was beating myself up. Look how deranged I am! And look how much it's costing me!
But then I realised, we call it a disease. Let's look at the comparisons. We spend hours wasting time trying to get a fix. A disease, you spend hours of wasted time in bed, not doing anything. I just wasted money for no reason. A disease, you lose income and you have all these unexpected expenses. And just like a disease you don't feel guilty for being sick, for having to spend money to get better (well I think I do, it's a problem of mine of low self worth), so too with addiction, I need to look at it in this perspective. I can't beat myself up. I'm sick. And I need to sort that out, foremost. 
Now I know paying to get a fix isn't quite the same as paying to cure yourself, but the loss of income is the Tzad ha'Shaveh, really, and it's involved in the disease. You don't beat yourself up by investing money in a possible solution that actually doesn't work. It's part of the process. 

So now I have two things: set up a TAPHSIC fence that really speaks to me, put covenanteyes on my wife's phone and PRAY and SURRENDER to God that I can't withstand these tests, I pray for no tests to pass my way.

Singularity wrote on 11 Oct 2016 04:45:

How the meetings going

Markz wrote on 02 Dec 2016 13:31:

Great. We're really turning into a warm, helpful collective. Tonight we're starting from Step 1 again and I'm going to try and follow the steps as daily meditations. Really work through it. 

So why make a taphshic?

Shlomo24 wrote on 05 Dec 2016 17:17:

Why not?

I know for me the only thing that can keep me sober is God. Not a knas, not a taphshic, not nothing.

Shlomo24 wrote on 06 Dec 2016 14:20:

You took these words out of my mouth , I'm in the same spot, nothing and I mean nothing (yes, I've tried almost all of em) works for me, only option is to give it over, no way a powerless sexaholic like me can do anything.

Although I want to amend my words. In the Big Book it says "probably" no human power could have relieved us of our condition. I'm 100% sure that statement is true. Theoretically, can a human save me? I honestly don't know, although it hasn't worked at all in the past. No matter who that human was.