MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Feb 2017 20:04:

In summary a choshuve rav who deals with chassanim told me "A wife is not a pillow and a pail"

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Feb 2017 20:04:

In summary a choshuve rav who deals with chassanim told me "A wife is not a pillow and a pail"

Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Feb 2017 22:22:

Sour

Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Feb 2017 22:26:

Now THAT is a good quote. Sounds like something Cordnoy would say.

Shlomo24 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 23:27:

Eiruvin 100b:

1 of the 10 curses: Na'asah kar l'ba'alah

HAHA just adding fuel to the flame.

However it is a curse.


Thanks for all your insightful comments. I read through them all, and thank you'ed the popular members (haha).

I admit it was wrong what I did. (Step 10). I will work on it. I thank Hashem for an amazing wife who sincerely wants to help me and pray I don't use her. 

I feel I'm a good husband. Work hard, take care of the kids, make sure my wife has everything she needs. Sure, I got emotional stuff, daddy issues, feelings of abandonment and the emotional maturity of a ten-year-old (when I began the trail of porn), but I'm pummelling through that. I am grateful I caught myself, b'siyata d'shmaya, before it got really damaging. And learning to deal with life, stresses, issues, one day at a time. Not being overwhelmed for the future and the flaky prospects.

We got married, I had no degree or work experience.

We got pregnant, I had no degree or work experience.

The day I got a job, we had the kid.

The day we had the next kid, I got a raise.

I feel like we're being sustained by the mon in the desert. But that's good for Emuna, no? I must focus on doing the right thing next. Wondering about school fees for 2+ kids will just drive me insane. But I know something will work out. I pray. 

I feel what she and I have is very special. 
Sure I like to learn, but I'd rather stay at home with her instead of night seder.
Sure we're chareidi, but I wouldn't miss a chance to rock out to Status Quo with her.
Sure school on sunday is nice, but heck, let's pull the kids out and take a day trip to the Vaal instead!

But it's an adventure with her I wouldn't miss for the world.

PS this is my stage of life right now. Perhaps with more and older kids, I'll go out to learn with them and the dynamic will change. I'm all up for change. But I feel we have some fixed ideals that really bring us close together. Despite sailing against the storm. I'll ask Cords how to do that ;-)

I am back on my good running schedule. I fear my self esteem is much linked to my running. I feel so good about myself when I come home at 5 AM with a coat of sweat and pulsating legs. The downside is if I can't run for a bit. Then I can't get my fix and I actually need to deal with stress. Is my addict falling into my running? How do I work that out? It boggles me you can be addicted to something "good". And I have no intention for running something like the comrades' marathon or anything. (Especially if it's the "up" route from durban to pietermaritzburg. UGH! Why run away from the ocean!???)

Anywho

to those interested, I have been working real hard to change. My mind games have greatly reduced and I don't constantly seek the cherry on top. Perhaps I'm in withdrawal, who knows, which is why I did what I did earlier this week. But I didn't curtail to porn, obsessed gazing, masturbation. So something must be different. Or perhaps it's too early to say.

It has been two months. Two good, clean, healthy months. I've lost so much weight; I'm fitting into clothes I wrote off previously. It's like I went on a shopping spree! I love that feeling!

And I feel I speak to Hashem most when on a run. I find it a very strangely spiritual experience. First, I ask him to take me up the hill. Then I pour my heart out about my lust and ask Him to remove it. To help me. And I do that as the morning birds chirp, not a car on the road. It's my Tikkun Chatzos.

Anyways, for those who didn't TL:DR, here's your reward, tomorrow's winning lottery numbers:

8   23   7   44   15  26  and the bonus is 19

I'm so addicted to this stuff, it's crazy 

My wife's first cousin once removed (and I ACTUALLY think that's right!!! Mother's cousin, no?)
have 5 daughters.

We go there for shabbos occasionally.

4 of them are meh. One of them, just how she does things, triggers me massively.
Saying it because there was a family gathering yesterday and she tends to skip on the border of what's considered tzniyus. Shame. If only she knew a sex-crazed monster was eyeing her. She might do things differently. See rav Orlofsky's shiur on platonic relationships.

But she's not the problem. I know that already. Heck, let her wear a bikini in front of me. I gotta deal with it myself.

I wonder why she just became a trigger all of a sudden. I was okay a few weeks ago. Didn't even think of it.

I wonder if I need to go to all these big (wife's) family gatherings. Though I wouldn't know how to get out of it. And people would ask.
BH still clean. And even though somewhat aroused and thoughts a little sour, I didn't pursue sex. Being overtired from kids also helps, haha. I asked God several times to remove this lust from me, and on the whole, the occasion was pleasant; my wife and I sat on a bench while our kids were being looked after by others. We talked about life and stuff. A fun Sunday.

Just the problem is my minds is slowly becoming preoccupied with the shmutz. I want it to stop. I reach out here, help newbies, chat with guys on telegram and whatsapp and am looking forward to our SAA meeting tonight. It's been a long time clean and I've never been this honest about it all. I feel they're good signs.

Wow thanks for the update 

Sorry to hear that the going is tough right now but this is a sure sign that you are on the right track new challenges just mean that you are growing don't let it get to you 

KOMT/S

It says alot that you stayed clean after such a trigger. You should be giving brochos to people! Do you realize what you did?! This is going to sound like a contradiction - Be proud of your humility!

P.S. Try to avoid the gatherings. And if you really have to go daven that you not see what for you is a trigger and put out a post that we should all say some tehillim in your zchus. Leaving your glasses at home "by mistake" may also help.....

Allright guys here's the dealio

I've had loads of free time at work because I work on a system I developed that needs sporadic changes and works fine for the most part. My work is minimal but crucial. I leave, the system crumbles, the business is largely over.

I hate to use that leverage because they've been so good to me. Big raise, ability to leave at 1 on Fridays with no salary cut.

But we met yesterday and (obviously) they could see I didn't do much in the day. So I'm now working in analysis as well and I hope that would pick up too. It is a good thing for my own sanity that I actually work at work. Only good thing is I've had lots of free time to post here. So I might slow down my activity, but PG won't leave.

The meeting was scary because it was all my fears brought to the open. And my heart was racing and still a bit afterwards. And the email saying "If this doesn't work out, we can't continue", which scared me too. Because we have 2 kids (+1) and one income stream which itself is not enough. Lots of debt. And if I had to leave, well, we'd still have lots of debt and no money whatsoever. However I have a loving wife and beautiful family with very supportive in-laws. And some things I can't control. I guess that's the Serenity Prayer right there. So I took a deep breath, and told myself "You know, you knew this email was gonna come, this meeting was gonna happen. So just give it your all, make the most of it, and if it doesn't work, well, it's in the realm of God now. I've tried my best."

And I knocked down a lot of "scared-to-death" tasks that are slowly chipping away at my ego. I submitted a Section 18a to the tax authorities to try reduce a second horrid tax payment. I emailed all clients to demand they pay their invoices. And I phoned the school's principal to discuss discounts and financial assistance. It's another way of letting go.

I wonder of that statement, Basar An'ya Azlah An'yusa.
I'll explain.

I know at least two guys. Around my age. Married for much longer than I. Rich. Parents are doctors/rabbis. One of them I think is in big business. And they have yet to even fall pregnant. Once. 

I think, "Imagine that. Take the school fees, paediatrician appointments and all extra food, prams, cots etc and put that away every month. Man, after all this time you'd be mad rich. But you were already mad rich!

So now you're stark, ravin' mad rich!

And take my wife and me. Both from very humble families. Parents struggling. Never had really any money. Degrees, yes. But not so effective. Humble job with BH a good pay, well, if you were a single guy. 

And we've been blessed with 2 kids. A third on the way, b'Sha'ah Tovah.

Now I'm not saying this is always the rule. But I find it strange how it applied to the aforementioned concept.

Which is the greater brocha?

Now money and I are not good friends. I have an unhealthy relationship with it. How I grew up, the constant fights my parents had about money, how it affected me and my thinking, heck I didn't even want to spend time with a parent if he/she had no money. Like, what's wrong with you!?

But my wife has a wonderful relationship with money. Especially my credit card! (Jokes).
But she has her priorities right. And a good hashkofa from her Rebitzen.

So if we struggle with money, it's a hit to my esteem. I can't provide. And worse than worse, I am like... MY FATHER....

But I know I'm not. But it's hard to shake it off. More important than money is just being there for the kids. Just be there. And emotionally, too. And BH I'm working on that.

So that's where I stand. Life is really scary. But it's the thrill of the fear that's worth living for. And I look back to the "good times" of a bochur. All things provided for me, I can masturbate whenever I want, etc.
And I become ever grateful of the functional person I am now.

And thanks to all of you for accompanying me on the journey. It's been a great one so far. 

I'll post something quick 

I too am very tight on cash and every time that we save money something happens that we that we have to spend what we saved up and sometimes more than that
It used to bother me but then we talked about it and came up with this "look" at the situation
True we are struggling but how many people have to pend their money on good things like clothes for kids food .... and even when it is for a medical reason B"H t's only the regular doctor visits for the kids (ear infections colds...) or dental work and not something else much worse chv"s
B"H thses are the money problems we have

Thanks for reminding me about this as this morning was one of those times that I forgot about this
May we continue seeing the love from Hashem and not have to see it in worse situations 

Singularity wrote on 16 Feb 2017 08:07:

I heard family of mine say they're not ready to have another child because of financial struggles. It's nonsense, because if you look around the world you'll see that the wealthy people are generally the ones that don't have many kids. It has more to do with your appreciation of building your beautiful family than the size of your mattress (you keep your cash under there - right?)

Sing, I wish you well at your work whatever happens and...

KOS!

keep
on
Singin'

I love you, Singularity. You are so honest and funny. Hatzlacha Rabah.

Thanks guys :-)

Mayan - Yeah BH things aren't worse. If they were, I'd be richer because the medical aid would pay for it all!!!!! hahaha...

But what do I really want?

Markz: I may disclose the location of my mattress. Though you'd need a microscope to find it. Or a black hole (I'm hoarding negative money here)

Thanks Shlomo I love you too.

I'm not sick, BH, but I'm not 100% okay either, sadly. My running is put on hold for a bit. Now it's the real test. Where do I get my dopamine release?

And I don't want to make myself feel ashamed because I overslept today. Perhaps I needed the rest. It's not a common occurrence. And we do have a non-sleeping baby, haha.

Friday night was a nightmare. Baby woke up, screaming uncontrollably and we couldn't do anything about it. And I acted like a baby, resentful, angry etc. All he wanted was a pickle, lol, but it took a LONG time to discover that. 

I didn't really leave the house all of Saturday. I was quite angry at God.. no money, no friends, too hard to crack into the community and on top of the distance, a very low social skill modus as well... And I wasn't feeling well. And for some reason I was guilting myself about not running. I know. Insanity, right?

Didn't go to shul, did my famous 15-minute-service at home. I feel cold from Yiddishkeit, despite learning a bit and going to shiur. Davening in a minyan for the most part.

I still feel whenever people speak to me, it's an attack and an affront to something I've done "wrong" and I become defensive and try get away quickly. And once I've walked away I'm like, "Why the hell did I do that? He was just wanting to talk!"

Especially if someone talks to me "out of the blue". I knoowww it's about something they want, or something I'm doing wrong, or something.

Is that a problem? So what if they want something? I gotta get over it.

So now I'm kinda OK that I'm not feeling well. At peace with it. BH my wife let me sleep a lot yesterday and this morning. She's amazing with the kids. On a whole different level. 

The weekend was sucky. Sunday was fun. Shabbos was sucky.

I realise where we live is no longer a good thing. I'm too depressed. Our place is tiny; I feel embarrassed having guests.
I feel embarrassed going out to people around our age, with nice big places, pools, gardens, an actual playroom and the space to host more than 1 person. It's a South African mentality, I know. So I believe a bigger place is an actual need, because I just can't handle the inadequateness of my own designs.

Or is it a real need? I'd like some advice from here. 

Wow you disappear for a while and I get no less than 11 notifications that someone posted and 11 were from you.... nice to hear from you again!  

Sorry to hear that you havin a rough time hope it gets better soon.