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TOPIC: Here goes 12326 Views

Here goes 26 Jun 2016 09:24 #290702

  • Trying 2 B Good
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I am not good at this, but I am going to try. I struggle all the time with porn. I actually hate posting but I will give it a shot. I actually have done a variation of the TaPHSiC fence through a Rebbi of mine and it worked for 90 days. But that was a while ago. I have always been to scared that I will fall and I didn't want to feel the disappointment of being good then falling. But me and my wife had a long talk and we decided that I would do the 90 days chart and the TaPHSiC fence. And that I will keep her updated every day. But that really scares me! I find it very very hard to tell her about it. About every time that I fall. I find it easier to not tell her anything. 
Sorry about the long rambling post. This is basically my first time posting.  

​Edit: I am restarting my journey anew please see here: guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/290702-Here-goes?limit=15&start=30#320360
Last Edit: 17 Sep 2017 07:49 by Trying 2 B Good. Reason: restarting my journey

Re: Here goes 26 Jun 2016 11:08 #290703

  • Watson
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Trying 2 B Good wrote on 26 Jun 2016 09:24:
 And that I will keep her updated every day. 

Welcome. Hatzlocho with your journey. Have you read the handbook?

Re the quoted bit above. Are you sure this is a good idea? Are you getting guidance from your Rebbi?

Re: Here goes 26 Jun 2016 12:12 #290704

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No, but she says that she needs it to heal. As for the handbook I just started.  
Last Edit: 26 Jun 2016 12:16 by Trying 2 B Good.

Re: Here goes 26 Jun 2016 13:01 #290706

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Tough situation brother

Do you have a marriage counselor?

Is your wife your therapist?

White knuckling is an old story on the forums, but having someone else handcuff your knuckles to the steering wheel is only gonna get them pain and aggravation...

Just something to think about

Also are you counting and taph-sicking cos she wants sobriety or cos you want it?

If you don't want it, just tell her. Women love open honest communication

If you do want it yourself, I don't see you on the Trucking highway yet...

Lotsa food for thought

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Re: Here goes 26 Jun 2016 13:50 #290707

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Welcome,

Recovery should be with hatzlachah.

You probably will not be able to convince your wife to lay off the daily report, but generally, it's not the greatest of ideas. Additionally, if you have tried to stop many times and it still comes back, there is a good possibility that you should try something different this time.

Stick around.
You'll learn a lot.

B'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin
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Re: Here goes 26 Jun 2016 13:55 #290708

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I think we're missing some crucial parts of the story here. You don't need to tell us but I think you both need guidance from someone who gets the whole picture (therapist, Rav with expertise in this, SA/S-Anon, etc).

It might feel like you need to quit for your wife's sake and she needs to have proof that you've quit, but it may be much worse this way in the long run. Or it may not, what do I know? Which is why I think you both urgently need to get proper guidance here.

Re: Here goes 26 Jun 2016 14:09 #290709

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I am trying to stop because I always wanted to. I was just scared to do it this way because I was afraid of the fall. 
As for my wife I did tell her before we got married and I told her then that I am working on it. She by chance discovered some shmutz that I was looking at in my phone a year later. That she wasn't ready for which hurt her a lot. She is still hurting 3 years later because she doesn't know if it's getting better or worse. She says that for her to heal she needs updates. I maybe able to convince her to updates less frequently. 


As for the therapist she doesn't like talking to anyone about it so no therapist or anyone else for that matter. I tried to get her to go but she refuses. 

Re: Here goes 26 Jun 2016 14:30 #290711

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It sounds to me like you need to get someone else involved in this somehow.

B'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin
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Re: Here goes 26 Jun 2016 14:39 #290714

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Trying 2 B Good wrote on 26 Jun 2016 14:09:
She says that for her to heal she needs updates. I maybe able to convince her to updates less frequently. 


As for the therapist she doesn't like talking to anyone about it so no therapist or anyone else for that matter. I tried to get her to go but she refuses. 
 

I completely understand why she wants reassurance that you're really stopping this time. I also completely understand why she would not want to discuss this with anyone.

But going along this path could be disastrous for both of you. Trying to convince her to see a therapist could make things worse. Trying to convince her to check up on you less often could make things worse.

I strongly recommend you get hold of a competent Rav or therapist and discuss it with them on your own at first.

Don't know who to call? Call the GYE helpline and ask for help: 
guardyoureyes.com/component/content/article/46-gye-helplines
Last Edit: 26 Jun 2016 14:40 by Watson.

Re: Here goes 26 Jun 2016 15:06 #290717

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Thanx for all the help. I will look into that. 

Re: Here goes 27 Jun 2016 01:36 #290761

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It will only be disastrous if you resent her for it.

It may be totally fine.

Re: Here goes 27 Jun 2016 02:16 #290765

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skeptical wrote on 27 Jun 2016 01:36:
It will only be disastrous if you resent her for it.

It may be totally fine.

Skep, I'm a bit confused.
Doc Watson was telling Mr trying that if he does one of two things (convincing her to see a therapist or convincing her to check up less), it could be disastrous. Now, it could be, for she might not like that, and it might not....but where does resenting her come into play?

What are you proposing? More updates. No therapist. 
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
My job: Punchin' bag of GYE - "NeshamaInCharge"
Quote from the chevra: "Is Cordnoy truly a Treasure Island pirate from the Southern Seas?"

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Here goes 27 Jun 2016 02:22 #290766

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Throughout the thread, the sentiment has been that having this kind of arrangement with one's wife is a recipe for disaster. I am just saying that it doesn't necessarily have to be so.

Re: Here goes 27 Jun 2016 02:38 #290767

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Nothing needs to be so.
The question is what is the likely outcome.
Now each situation is different, and that is why I have been advocating to get an outsider involved.
But I am sure you agree that a wife demanding a daily update can be a recipe for disaster. (It may not be as well, but it can be, and if a wife would ask you advice, I believe you would try to steer her away from that path. No?)
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
My job: Punchin' bag of GYE - "NeshamaInCharge"
Quote from the chevra: "Is Cordnoy truly a Treasure Island pirate from the Southern Seas?"

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Here goes 27 Jun 2016 02:52 #290769

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Yes, I would steer her away from that path, as "the only person one can control is themselves."

However, being that this is the current situation, the best way for him to deal with it may be to go along, be open and honest, and work on not resenting her for it.

The likely outcome depends a lot on him, and how he deals with it.
Last Edit: 27 Jun 2016 02:53 by skeptical.
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