...I'm going to disagree with you on the defensive or offensive point.  I was on a group call the other week and I said something which took me by surprise.  As way of background, I'm an accountant so I've been very busy lately.  The "moderator" on the call was asking me if I'd been going through some AA worksheets he circulated and I said that since I've been busy at work and with other things in life (could be identifying information so I'll keep that out for now) I haven't had much of a chance to be very active in the recovery process.  For the time being I'm just listening to the conversations and keeping count on the 90-day chart.

Almost as I was saying the words, I knew it was a horrible approach.  I got here by being passive.  If I'm going to get out, I have to make the first move.  And the second, and all of the rest that will follow.  I have to reach out to those that can help and I have to take the necessary steps.  Now obviously our approach is shmiras ainayim, as you rightly pointed out, but in my mind defense is primarily reactive.  Defense waits for the offense to make its move and then reacts to stop it.  I would venture to say that that approach will get us in trouble more often than not.  We can't wait for the yetzer or addiction, or anything else for that matter to act on us first... I don't want to engage with the addiction.  I want to avoid it.

But as I said before, I'm relatively new to this.  If someone with more experience and success disagrees, I'm more than willing to hear other approaches and learn from them.

Unfortunately, counting is so often just a contest, as in: "Let's see who can hold their breath the longest! Ooh, you have 90 days of holding your sperm in, wow, Mazel tov, iy"H by me!"

If it is really 'holding it in and holding on', then I doubt it is worthwhile - except as a lesson in failure and a precious stepping-stone to final surrender and a chance for real recovery one day at a time.

Practically all the people who count the days lose their record. I believe it is because they are counting. I think that counting is just plain stupid and childish.

Now I have been plenty stupid and childish for plenty of years myself! So there was a time that counting may have been a good thing for me...for about a month, maybe. But the guys I know who are sober a long time, have usually given up the counting thing early on and do not even remember their exact number of days. They say things like, "It was around Peysach time," or, "It's been about a year..I really should go and look up my calendar and figure out when that last trip I made to the bathroom to masturbate at school was - I think I may have an anniversary coming up soon!" I am serious.

See, "one day at a time" also means that they days do not really add up. The only way they add up is as a measure of gratitude to Hashem - He has helped me and gifted me with reprieve for so many days, so far! The last time I had to act our with sex with myself was 16 years ago erev rosh chodesh Adar. But as far as I myself is concerned, I did not stay sober for that long - that is clear. All I ever did was give up acting out for this very day - or for this very minute. I prayed for the shiksah I wanted to undress with my eyes, prayed for my wife or my child who I wanted to resent, worked my steps 4-7 to give up my fears of my day to Hashem without trying to push Him out of my way today...so that He could keep me sober. And He does.

If I could let go and stop fighting, then so can you or anybody. As long as you agree to let your ego go, and stick with one day - today. It's kedai.

Beating a record leads to getting beaten, that's all.

But hatzlocha doing whatever works for you!

- Dov

Markz, I'm not too sure about your calculations here...

GYE offers amazing recovery to a lot of people. Some need a different approach. The trouble is telling them apart.

If only there was a guru who could tell in one instant who needed what. Actually, forget it, no-one would go to him anyway.

Some sort of app would be good...