Dear chevra 
I had a fall again today 
there was a "voice" in my head telling me  " Aryeh, you're going to fall anyways if you don't fall today you'll fall later and then you'll have a bigger streak so you'll be falling from higher and lose more" eventually I gave in 
any thoughts/ ideas I have this a lot and also about the washroom issue

My friend I have what to add to your conversation that you were having between yourself and yourself

But is that the reason for the fall? I don't believe so
 

Would really appreciate if you would elaborate 

Oy, its so hard to feel defeated again and again. But one thing that you need to keep in mind: No matter what, we never ever ever give up. We fight this thing and fight and fight. We daven to Hashem for help. We try to determine which tools we need. Do you need more? Do you need a therapist? A group? A phone conference? What will help you get to the next level?

realsimcha wrote:

Not really sure to be honest 

I would love to do a phone conference but none would work with my yeshivah schedule 
thanks for the support 

If I were you I would Private Message one of the "gedolim" on this site - maybe Cords or Dov and ask them for advice. There are guys on this site with tons of experience and wisdom. I'd offer to help but right now I am just a pain in the neck newbie who talks too much. Keep me "post"ed. If you keep at it you absolutely will find success. DONT GIVE UP AND KEEP POSTING!!

Firstly I can tell you I appreciate your newbieness plus gedolim need gabaim right?
plus I'm waiting to see what insight harav mark has

Aryeh821 wrote on 27 Mar 2016 01:53:

"you're going to fall anyways"
We are all naturally falling. The YH is gonna be alive and kicking forever

"if you don't fall today you'll fall later and then you'll have a bigger streak so you'll be falling from higher and lose more"
Why do you lose more if you had a longer streak? Your gains do not crash more because of greater stocks.  It's a slip or fall c'v, and we just get right back up

I hear ya I hear 
As a side point what's karma
 

Aryeh821 wrote on 27 Mar 2016 03:41:

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends?limit=15&start=555#218351

 

Hi all I had a major victory today as well as a fall
the fall- so I was sick today and come home from yeshiva i was in the house and my mother had left her unfiltered ipad home I ended up searching up stuff which although was not actual porn was bad enough to be a fall
the victory - so after the fall I had a major teivah to not re-start the calendar because after all as the vice in my head told me "come one aryeh you didn't end up masturbating and it wasn't actual porn plus can you imagine how embarrassing it will to fall after less than one day" (I must say I'm a great conversationalist) anyways I ended up updating it so yay for that part
i really have to get my parents to add a filter on to the iPad we have one on the computer

Great going!!!!

Day 2 again
ive been sick since monday -being sick has never been good as it basically means im stuck at home with nothing to do for 24 hours and there are usually two unfiltered devices in the house my moms iphone and ipad (i really need to work on getting them filtered) i managed to pull through (im going back to yehsivah in a few hours) mostly becuase of the chart and reading about how everyone else had managed to do so well really inspired me so thanks all
i had a uh-ha moment a few nights ago when during night seder when i should have been learning with my chavrusah instead we were having a argument i forget about what and i was in the middle of saying "i have way worse willpower and self-control -and then i stopped in mid-sentence you see i had in mind my addiction when i said that and i had a uh-hah moment when it really hit me its not about willpower its about givivng over the struggle to Him because you cant fight an illness with willpower will add more later i gotta go 

Continued from earlier 
so he fact that I keep falling is not do to a lack of willpower but rather do to the fact that I keep trying to use my willpower believing this time I'll win with the exact same strategy that failed me every other time ( my chavrusah thought I was going crazy just stopping in the middle of a sentence like that and going all quiet(he was wrong I'm not going crazy I already am))
more to come Friday as I'm going to Yeshiva in a few minutes
i actually have a little more time then I thought I would have but not enough to time to talk about the big issues that I want to so I just wanted to rant a little (I wish I could change the thread topic to ranting ground/here we go) anyways I just wanted to say that whenever somebody new posts on the site I feel very uncomfortable posting a welcome because 
A) majority of them should be welcoming me seeing how far ahead they are in the journey of soberity
B)there are a lot more qualified people to do it instead 
but then I remembered that I appreciated every welcome I got no matter who it was from so I do it anyway 
thoughts?