Yes, there's more.
You're welcome.
My pleasure.

Still clean. B"H.

I had a crazy dream last night.  Went to sleep 2 AM (bad recipe for a sex addict generally).  Woke up an hour later in a sweat of anxiety, and couldn't sleep for 30 minutes cause I was so worked up.  Everything about this was unusual for me.  In short, enemy  #1 on my resentment list (which I haven't really made yet) made me want to rip their head off.  I contained my anger and tried to find a quiet place to calmly tell them how @%*#$% upset I felt because of what they did to me, but everywhere we went was filled with people. After tossing and turning in bed for a while I rolled over towards my desk and started scribbling out a few names to feature on a resentment list.  I think it helped a bit. Maybe that counts as starting step 4. Maybe not quite.

2 interesting ideas I learned today from chatting with a program Vet - If you stay with the program long enough, you eventually learn that the excruciating pain of quitting again after a fall is just too much, and it's simply not worth it to fall again.  Also, the heros of GYE and the 12 step programs are not only those guys that can say "I haven't lusted in 200,987,634 days and 12 minutes".  Someone who has stuck with the program for 12 years or whatever length of time is just as much a hero, to me at least, even if they have had falls here there spread throughout their sobriety.  

Let this be a lesson to all those- sorry us- who think that if we fall then our previous sobriety loses all meaning.

Still clean. Sober. Whatever.

Finished a month with my accountability partner this week.  Not sure how much he wants to continue though.  I'm starting a new system with another GYE Member on the phone.  My plan is that I have 3 boundaries, and if I cross any of them I have to call/text him right away.  

1. No p*** or other racy pics/videos for viewing and lusting pleasure
2. No m******* or any of the physical actions that lead up to it (kind of vague, but I know what it means...)
3. No developing mental fantasies

I'm also still keeping off of youtube videos, movies, TV, except for ones relating to my work (mostly), but that gets kind of complicated regarding which videos get by, so I didn't want to do that with this person.

Still clean.

Starting to have some minor glitches though. Being a bit more lax about web browsing, visiting youtube for "approved" reasons, and some unintended PG-13 pictures are occasionally appearing on screen- one that I am surprised was not censured by youtube actually.  I pretty much clicked off or averted my eyes right away, but still. Probably the excitement and extreme vigilance of my first couple weeks is wearing off...

I'd say to reach out, but it seems you are doin' that.

B'hatzlachah

So I fell. 

Not enough reaching out maybe. Definitely.

I reached 30 days, which quite honestly was a really awesome accomplishment for me.  And there were times where I felt great and thought I could keep it up forever. I obviously forgot One day at a time. 

It also took me a few days to get up, but I hope that I am up now. I took a short inventory of my past resolutions about lust and related addictive behaviors, which was actually somewhat encouraging, and also helped me to re-focus on commitment.  Before I share my inventory, One thing I noticed was that when I started this thread I felt absolutely desperate to change.  But I seem to have lost that desperateness now, and have found myself once again trying to "compromise" with lust.

Commitment to stop playing my favorite online game: 87 days (about) and counting
Commitment to stop playing all online games: Lasted for 66 days
Commitment to stop watching TV/Movies:  21 days (about)
Commitment not to view any pornographic or lustful materials or self-pleasure: 30 days
Commitment to refrain from addictively reading my favorite (non-lustful) book: 37 days and going

For the future, I am recommitting myself to refrain from TV/movies/online games and porn/lust, and to reach out if I notice myself starting to slip/fall.  My plan is to monitor myself for feelings of RID (restlessness, irritation, discontent) and nip them in the bud by connecting with others or otherwise getting out of my own world, asking for help when I need it, and not hiding after the fact, but rather admitting any slips or falls.  Also, I think I have been guilty of inappropriately trying to get into the business of help-giving, which seemingly has not helped me and I doubt that it has helped others for the most part (though I hope it hasn't hurt anyone either). Watson wrote in another thread to someone else (I don't know how to quote directly from other threads)


So that is my plan for now, though I doubt that I will manage to post every day.

 

I like your plan

Just one note - are you always to be in touch with RID?

Perhaps some advancement deep into your Truck may help (no not into the gas tank!!!)

Thanks markz, I think.. I'm not exactly sure what you mean - if that was a clever play on words, I probably missed it.  If you're saying I need to bring in some positive feelings too, point taken : )

Thanks back seat driver

Back seat drivers are usually a pain in the neck (like when they use your shoulder as a cup holder)

Yes, positive feelings, but more importantly positive actions, eg join a daily call as one of 48 examples

thanks613 wrote on 31 Mar 2016 17:12:

what are you planning to do when you need to just blow off steam and have fun?

markz wrote on 31 Mar 2016 18:22:

Do you have a particular call to suggest? 

I'm clean today, and very thankful for it.

I kept to my resolution yesterday to stay off of TV/Movies V'chadomeh, with a great deal of difficulty though.  So there is this stupid game online that I got into the past week called "Tidal Trek"  - there are other online games that I really like, but this one I happen to think is pretty dumb.  But I find it addicting. Very addicting.  Anyways, about every 10 minutes or so this little voice in my head says "maybe just play for a few minutes... it's not porn after all...".  

I'm glad to say I didn't give in to that voice at least.  I made it to Shacharis in the morning- a bit late, but with enough time to do be caught up for hagbah, which helped me feel needed because lots of the minyan was older men that have trouble with hagbah.  Then I stayed in shul to learn, and learned a really inspiring piece that I enjoyed alot, plus got some decent shmoozing in with the older men.  When I got home I called an old friend that I have been meaning to catch up with and we had a good long chat.  Then I had a long breakfast..I texted my GYE buddy to tell him about my new plans..I signed onto GYE and caught up on the 50 or so new posts that I missed during my hiatus.. I posted to the forum.. that all took me up to the noon conference call that I am trying to be more consistent with - thanks in part to markz...  as you can tell, I would do almost anything to avoid the work I was supposed to be doing .  Actually, to be fair, I had a more productive day than I have had in a while.  I took notes on some research I was doing over breakfast (I'm a student, mostly), and about when I decided to sign off of GYE for the day I left my house to prepare for a sort of presentation that I had to give last night.  I also took a 30 minute break from time I didn't have to play basketball, watched a Ted talk about procrastinating that I suddenly realized I absolutely could not afford to push off until my work was done, and spent about an hour or so on watching videos and web browsing to prep for my presentation that was mostly unnecessary... but the end result was that I felt good about my day's work and was satisfied with the outcome, though it was far from perfect or ideal.  

After it was all over I met up with a chavrusa to learn, which was also a good end to my day.  And I left my laptop in my car last night despite "all the work that I could still accomplish before bed" so that I would not be tempted to "just put on a movie in the background to help me fall asleep.  I did have a smallish setback on my resolutions around bedtime.  I have some boundaries that I set for myself about things that I do in preparation of acting out with myself, and when I got into bed I had a strong urge to do a few of these things.  One of them I gave in to, but I was able to stave off the rest, so I consider it a victory basically.  Someone on this forum once wrote about how they were really tempted to just act out once in order to get the obsession out of their mind and then they would be at peace for a while.  I've certainly felt that way many many many many times before, but for me at least, I know it's insanity.  Acting out just makes me want to act out again and again and again, though eventually I get depressed and even out a bit.  Maybe that's one of the differences between someone who is addicted and someone who is not.  Anyways, last night I'm pretty certain the craving was brought on by my previous days of acting out.  The things that I think helped me to survive this one were:

1.  I really wanted to hold onto my resolution
2.  My accountability partner had just shared a few hours before that he had a craving, and I remembered how desperately I wished that I could have helped him stave it off (as it turns out, I did help him)
3.  A certain part of what I was being tempted to do was pretty repulsive to me (though I have done it countless times in the past), and I guess I'm still not totally immune to that reality

If you're still here, thanks for reading : )  Also,


I admit this is a hard question for me to answer..

I am clean for today.

I don't want to take much time to post right now, but do want to write a bit about my weekend.  B"H the weekends are often busy - I'm often with friends and connecting with people on Shabbos, and I now started getting together with a community sports team to play ball on Sunday mornings. I have also done well because I have basically not accessed my computer since my last post, but now I have the rest of the day ahead of me, I'm tired already, I don't really want to work, I don't really have much more to look forward to for the day, I don't really have plans about how to use my time.. and it will likely be a challenge to make good choices for myself today.  Simple, not easy, I guess. 

The best highlight for me this weekend was that I had a decision about whether to attend an event to see a friend - It was mostly for his benefit, and a little for my own that I thought it would be good to go, and it involved quite a bit of uncertainty and effort on my part to be there, and I was tired.. but I decided to go, and I felt there was strong hashgachah letting me know that it was the right thing to do, besides that I enjoyed doing it and felt good about seeing my friend and participating in the event. 

Going to he event also involved a loooong walk, which gave me lots of time to think about a recovery assignment to think about some negative beliefs that I hold in my mind and to figure out validating beliefs to replace them.  It was a very meaningful walk for me, and I got a chance to write down many of them last night and this morning, and then to share them with a coach and a chaver from GYE this afternoon.  

My plans for the rest of the day are to make decisions to use my time well and to  finish writing up my validating beliefs and share them.  I also plan to start today (for one week B"N) to record 5 things I feel gratitude for and my daily fears, to surrender the fears before bed, and to share both lists with a chaver once a day. 

 

I'm clean for today : )

I stayed clean all day yesterday - called a friend or two, and asked someone to learn with me after mincha/maariv to give me something good to do and look forward to.  I wasn't really productive at all, but I did most of the recovery work I committed to and went to sleep pretty early.  I had a funny victory actually - I was going to put on a Dov talk to listen to until I fell asleep (instead of the movies, etc. that I often use), but I actually just fell asleep like a "normal person" while Dov's talk stayed on pause..

Slight glitch this morning.  I woke up on time for minyan, feeling pretty refreshed, but it took me an hour and a half to finally roll over and get out of bed.  Of course, I missed minyan by a mile, but davened OK at home.  And I was on time to a meeting I had to be at - Actually I was two hours early cause I botched the time (though of course I got busy with some other things and ended up being a few minutes late for the actual time..) 

And I joined my noon conference call.  And reached out to friends and chavers.  And spent some time finishing some recovery assignments I had started, and even typed it up so it looks nice and pretty.  And did some more work for a school project.  And went shopping online for some shirts that I probably won't actually buy.. well, mostly productive.  

I'll post some of my gratitudes, beliefs, fears a bit later

KUTGW!

Gratitudes

1. Kept warm during a ballgame in 30 degree weather thanks to a tip off from my mom (that drove me nuts at the time..)
2. My friends and teammates were accepting when I said I had to leave the game early
3. I was able to turn to Hashem when I felt overwhelmed & helpless after receiving some upsetting news

And one new one for today so far.  
I think I figured out what KOMT stands for - Keep on Monster Truckin'?