Hi all,

I'm curious about something and would love to hear feedback. I am 18 days into recovery--and wow putting that into writing is pretty amazing to me. BH I am not having too difficult a time. I avoid excessive time on the computer, have a filter now, I make sure to be very serious about tefilah and learn Torah seriously every day, and I spend my free time doing productive healthy things. I find ifor me that the key to success is not simply about not doing bad things but making sure to do the right things, ie finding positive healthy outlets to enjoy life so there are good enjoyable things for me to focus on. 

I just am noticing that some days I am a bit more irritable. It could be a function of anything else--long day at work or school, other stresses that come up from time to time, etc. but I wonder if maybe, like any other addiction, the 90 day journey comes with "withdrawal symptoms"? Even though I'm so protecting myself and have consciously decided that I won't take another fix, perhaps my system is a bit off balance and I'll feel the effects of it until after 90 days? (based on the subtext of this forum that it takes 90 days to break an addiction) 

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? 

Read the white book.
Chapter called addiction.
Titled withdrawal.

Thank you cordnoy! 

cordnoy wrote on Unknown:


Fixed your Haiku 

I actually came across this link while looking around, and I found it to be quite helpful if anyone is interested in taking a look: husbandhelphaven.com/porn-addiction-withdrawal-walkthrough/

I guess that because I was so caught up in my addiction from such an early age, I have been so shortsighted to just how powerfully it has impacted me (like so many of us). I have always been a very spiritual person. Even when I was younger and not as religiously committed, I have always been a spiritual person and felt a very deep connection towards my Judaism. As I became more religious (within the realm of orthodoxy, but taking it more seriously) and more consciously careful to strive completely for Torah and mitzvos, I became more aware of how bad the problem of pgam habris is. And I found myself davening so deeply and so strongly, asking Hashem to help (even though most times I don't think I myself was ready to change). I am a very sensitive, emotional person, which manifests itself very much in my religious life. And while that in itself is a tremendously good and powerful thing, I think I made it bigger than it is. It's as if I told myself as long as I try Hashem will forgive me with no consequences for my previous actions up until now.

Which is obviously wrong. Now that I've started the 90 days--and I'm just about 22 days in--I am just blown away by the pain of it. The withdrawal symptoms. It's not so much the urge to go back to my old behaviors, ironically. What's really getting to me is the way my brain and body are reacting. Frequent mood swings, irritability, depression, anxiety, lack of focus. I just feel like I'm not in control of myself and I hate it. But at the same time, I'll take it. Because I know that through all these symptoms I'm not going to cave, I'm just going to ride it out, and hopefully when I reach 90 or so days, all the good science will kick in, break the addiction, and help me feel alive, healthy and free.

I see it as my tikkun and just the lease I could do to make up for my past behaviors to finish these 90 days. If I spent years in such a terrible habit, 90 days to get rid of a lot of the damage is not asking much. I guess I just find it so weird that I told myself such a silly story. Feeling good about how hard I try in all other areas of my yiddushkeit, how spiritual and emotional I am with my Judaism, and how sincerely I want a relationship with Hashem, that once I start a path to teshuvah, I'll see this bright light and feel an immediate sense of relief. It seems so silly that I would ever think that way. a) Scientifically, this is an addiction like any other, and stopping cold turkey, while it might be the healthy thing to do, does not come without its long road of painful detox and 2) Hashkafically, this is a very grave issue, and starting the road to Teshuvah doesn't mean I'm absolved of all punishment or yisurin or whatever I might have incurred.

So I guess I'm kind of taking a step back and realizing things aren't going to be like I thought they'd be. It's going to be a long, hard road no matter what, and each day, even if I don't do a single thing wrong, is going to be riddled with challenge. Even though that is kind of sad, I guess after reading about some of the scientific aspects of breaking addictions, I do feel a sense of relief that getting through it is always going to be hard and everyone feels these withdrawal symptoms, but we come out much healthier and stronger.

Just my little rant for the evening If anyone has any thoughts feel free to share. Thanks all!

We call it withdrawal symptoms, when they can actually be withdrawal highlights, that clue us into the emotional issues we were always having and not dealing with

Ask yourself - is this the first time in recent history that I'm experiencing "Frequent mood swings, irritability, depression, anxiety, lack of focus".

If not, you realize now that dealing with the addiction is helping you to get in touch and learn about yourself, which is a tremendous asset

But then I get stuck - "how am I gonna deal with myself"...
Hmmmm


KOT

Gevura Shebyesod wrote on Unknown:

withdrawal....like a southerner.

cordnoy wrote on Unknown:


With a drawl?

My experience 
1) anxiety 
2) sadness (intense) 
3) not wanting to be around/talk to people 
4) restlessness 
5) feel like I need to cry 
6) tiredness but not able to get good nights sleep

theres a great site, yourbrainonporn.com they have a section about withdrawal. Read through that it'll help. 

I felt almost all these too. But it gets easier with time bh I'm 62 days clean. One day at a time !!

shemirathabris wrote on 11 Feb 2016 14:18:



Our local SSA Jonathan "speech writer", has passed mile 90

How did you do it??
Please share with us!

I've definitely felt anxiety, but feeling anxiety is a bit normal for me anyway. I have noticed that my (body, mind, yetzer hara), rebels against the abstinence by dreaming about doing the act, or bringing lustful images to mind.
 

markz, Thank you very much for your post. A real source of chizuk for me, and I appreciate it.

I can't believe it's been over 90 days! I am beyond amazed. Probably the key factor in successfully getting to 90 days, to which I was zocheh early on, has been shifting my perspective. Rather than thinking in the negative all the time, "don't do this" and "don't do that," I started looking at the positive and thinking of the good that kedushah can bring. The opportunity to become a better, more whole Jew living in line with Torah values.

The yetzer hara had always gotten to me very easily. But to be honest, the yetzr hara wasn't always so much my taavas overcoming me. Actually, most often it was my yetzer hara telling me I'm a bum and will never be zocheh to kedushah anyway, so what's one more fall.

But once I placed kedushah at the center and looked at it as an opportunity, I had a much easier time living more "constructively." I found healthier activities to occupy my time that not only help live with kedushah but also are enjoyable in and of themselves. My whole outlook and demeanor completely changed.

Thanks for all the chizuk and support!

KUTGW!

MAZEL TOV!!! KEIN YIRBU!!