Good day to all my dear freinds and family (GYE of course), just a short intro as some newcomers don't know me, I have been here now for 15+ months, from the first day I stumbled here 'by Hashem's devine Hasgacha' , I have been clean, meaning I didn't act out either way, I also had good filters on my devices and really worked on Shmiras Enaiyim, I reached 400+ days on the chart.

However recently I had a filter removed from one of my devices (for a ample reason) and low and behold it took a few weeks and unfortunately I caught myself seeking out inappropriate material and ended up watching real p**n for a short while (a few hours). B"H I haven't gone any further and stopped this behavior too for now.

Originally (without fooling myself) when I started the chart I read the rules but decided that for me the chart would be only for acting out, however in the rules of GYE they write that when using their chart one should go by their rules, which in turn counts as a fall watching inappropriate stuff, I have no issue with registering the fall and starting again however I am concerned if it will have an effect on me (or on others) what are the opinions of the chevreh here?

My 2 cents - be real (which btw acc to Dov means more than removing our anonymity...)

Dead people don't fall
Real people fall

Moreover - when you fall and get right back on your truck that's amazing chizuk for lots of us, so in my opinion it's more beneficial to restart and we can truck together!

hatzlacha

It's a real tough question. My first thoughts are like markz wrote, be real -. But the concern that to break the chart is to loose the momentum is very real. If you can keep to markz second point of " get right back on your truck", then I think that, that would be the best (and most honest) route.
I recently made my longest streak of 70 days, and then had a fall. I was a little relieved to restart because the 70 days were not really clean ones. I had been doing a lot of intentional slipping. It didn't feel good to be at 70 days when I knew that I was not really being totally honest with myself.

Belmont I feel your pain. Whatever you do (will let the more older veterans reply) most probably you need a reality check. We tend to act, as if our problem is the acting out. Our problem for most of us is much larger than that. When we finally identify our real problem, we have a chance to seek the proper help for that specific problem.

Regardless, Keep it strong, you are a strong man.

Hatzlacha

Just came on the forum and checked out this thread and I now know why I came on -

Who can understand you more than me who registered an amount of clean days just a few weeks short of your impressive amount - when I had my fall.

Let's look at your question the other way. You wrote:" I have no issue with registering the fall and starting again however I am concerned if it will have an effect on me (or on others) what are the opinions of the chevreh here"?

Well -What will be the effect of or the value of your chehbon of days - as you add day after day to your total - when you are clearly aware in the depths of your soul that it is being added to a less than sincere cheshbon

Hey, falling after such a successful run is one tough trip.It really hits hard as it presses a number of emotional/psychological and spiritual buttons. Unfortunately I relate all too well and thus truly feel for you my friend. However, you didn't just have a "run" it was a sweet long success.

You really accomplished! That can't be underestimated nor ever be taken from you!

The forum is wise to have different tallies. One that counts your current successive days without fail. it also has longest streak and cumulative days.

If you continue adding to your days as was before you are adding to a less than solid base. I can't believe that it won't irk you and cause you distress. This isn't healthy for many reasons and you will probably (although who am I to say) be more likely to fall again.

If you bite the bullet and press that agonizing button that says I fell. You will be upset but you will look into the mirror and even if you cry you will respect the man looking right back at you.

The Torah is filled with people making a comeback. I can mention to you philanthropists who lost billions - not millions-and pulled up their socks and rebuilt. Excuse me for the example but Muhamed Ali(you don't get a bigger ego than his) did it. There are countless examples of this in all areas of life.

In a sense, it's a lot easier in many ways this time around. You have learned so much. The greatest lesson is that you can go on for over 400 days clean

On the other hand its also difficult to rebuild - I know it first hand- that's why such an action truly earns your self-respect and the respect of your buddies right here in the land of truth and meaningful growth.

markz wrote:


I'm not sure what your second comment means, so i'll ignore, but I don't agree with your first.
you quoted Dov to be real.
Belmont is real!
We speak or text several times a week;m I can get eight texts from him within 75 seconds.
That is real!
I know he speaks and meets with others as well.
So, while for some, GYE is the Taj Mahal for recoverin' addicts, for others, there is much stronger work bein' done in the alleyways, shuks, coffee clubs and parkin' lots throughout the world.\

In response, belmont, i think you should leave your count as is. You have been workin' dilligently on your sobriety and other issues. You have made it to places others around here can only dream of. Yes, get back on the truck. Put that filter on, but onwards to 500, with the focus bein' today!

b'hatzlachah

cordnoy wrote:
I wasn't saying whether belmont is real or not

I'm doing ok while being anonymous, and not planning to come out of my truck... yet

I could rewrite the 2nd part so you'd understand, I thought it made sense, but I don't have the final say on whether to restart or not. I personally would restart...

Wow! The chevreh here are incredible I am amazed by the response, thank you all.

I haven't decided yet if to restart the count or not, however I am continuing to truck, I installed again good filters and hopefully can be on track again.

(In response to my dear friend Lomed and others)
What I have achieved so far has brought me to realize that "sobriety is NOT recovery", the longer you work on the issues you come to understand that this is a sickness that does not diminish by itself, we got to put in a lot of work, many and different for each individual, I cannot say what works for I haven't tried the different methods.

However I was not white knuckling and wasn't being stressed out from not acting out, (was under stress from other issues which in the past would make me resort to that side), what I could say for sure (for me) Gedarim/Fences in Kedusha (filters etc.) help a lot as stated in Seforim.

I have B"H achieved milestones never dreamt I would, things have become easier somewhat, I haven't lost all those difficult trials and tests heshem put me through "using the past to build a better present and future is the best way" as Dovid Hamelech says in Tehilim 51, וחטאתי נגדי תמיד, "my sins are forever in front of me, for what ? Why harbour in the past?, to learn how to make a better future, I go forward and continue iy"h.

belmont4175 wrote:


You're reminding me my fall I had after 110 days being clean from porn and masturbation, hard feeling. Just remember that we don't loos what we have gained.
The shvitz is yours forever!!!! It doesn't smell
It's up to you to decide.

You can call me a machmir cause when i search girls on google images (I'm not even talking about videos) for the sake of pleasure, for me it's a fall.

Your name made it to the charts in the Free Towing thread, and it's staying there!!!!

You've got major accomplishments under your belt - a failure doesn't change your essence from being a success!!!

FSKOT

Both feet on the gas pedal

I think it's pretty black and white. If it's GYE then you recount. If it's SA then not necessarily. Is there anything I'm missing? Days don't equal sobriety. It's a ODAAT program.