I am lost. I fell again on Motzei Shabbos and since then it's been downhill. 
It happened very suddenly. I was in the park on Shabbos afternoon with my daughter, when I drop-dead gorgeous woman showed up with her kids, the likes of which I haven't seen in a while. I simply couldn't take my eyes off of her. And I continued lusting all afternoon and it culminated with masturbating on Motzei Shabbos. Once I fell it all broke apart and I once again am finding myself absorbed in porn. 
Unlike last fall where I bounced back fairly quickly and easily, this time I'm just feeling lost, unable to get back on track. I need something different. 
I was surprised at how this woman caught me off guard like that. But I think that really ever since my last fall I've been lusting mildly the whole time. Since I wasn't really controlling my lust, once something like this hit it took over me. 

I think I need a break from the "90 days" because I see that once I fall I'm let loose. It worked nicely to get me started with recovery, but now I really need something else. I plan on reviewing the Handbook again since I haven't read in a while. 

Any feedback or suggestions will be very much appreciated. 

BBBH I miss driving on the same lane as you on the GYE highway

Sorry to hear about your crash
I guess they don't call it drop-dead for nothing, addiction can kill c'v

I haven't mastered the handbook yet

If you've read the handbook previously, I'd recommend you navigate with the GPS (in my signature) which can give you a fast reboot to recovery

Are there any gyes you're in contact with, do you have their phone # as I do
 

Sounds like a good move.

B'hatzlachah

Ben,
I'd love to shmooze, I'm on my way up from a hard time too and can use some phone contact. Can you send me your number again?

Markz,
Can you email me or PM your number? I need some numbers, especially since my wife is going away on Sunday for more than a week. 

BenTorah.BaalHabayis wrote on 07 Jul 2016 02:58:

Now we know again there is no such thing as time to be caught off guard, we are attracted by beauty, yet yesterday was yesterday, we have One who has called us to guard our eyes, and then allows the beauty to be sent, it is the physical beauty that draw us, I do not settle for just a look, if it is strongly tempting I set out of the situation, no pausing allow in the strength of the Almighty. If I have prepared for the day, study Torah till I am supercharged with set-apartness, then I will go engage the human in conversation, for if the spiritual beauty is there then humans can focus on the beauty of One's .

If the keeping count thing is hurting you then dump it.

The most important thing is always to be happy today. Lusting is (for at least some of us) a sign that we're not happy. 

I think it's great that you're seeing what's working for you and seeing in retrospect that you were lusting. It'll help for today.

KOT and KUTGW!

inastruggle wrote on 08 Jul 2016 04:02:


Keeping happy is probably the biggest challenge.

This is one of the most important ideas I've ever heard in my life.

www.aish.com/sp/f/48968901.html

So sorry to hear about your fall. I went through that as well recently and it is so so painful. Just keep in mind that a fall doesnt put you back to zero. Every sober day is still an accomplishment that you take with you. If you can be sober today - just today - you have accomplished an accomplishment that can never be taken from you. I've been on a roller coaster the past few weeks. But in between there have been some sober days. Those days are there. They may not be in "my count" but they are in me. And I know that for me to get through today I need to know that today is the most important day of my life.

B  B
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Hows life???

Markz wrote on 21 Aug 2016 03:30:

Unmanageable. 

I mean, overall life is great. I get to be in Yeshiva part time, and I have a stable Parnassah B"H. My family is healthy and we are expecting another child in about 3 months. Shalom Bayis is not bad (although physical intimacy is almost non existent).  What more could I ask for?  (Well yeah, maybe improved physical intimacy. But in the grand scheme my life is very good.) 
And it's precisely because of this that I have this thick cloud of guilt and shame hanging over me because of all my acting out. I feel like such a כפוי טובה.  
Even if I could manage to get over the guilt I still cannot handle the ever present lust which is my driving me crazy. After reading different things, particularly from Dov, I think I've come to the realization that I'm indeed an addict and my life is unmanageable. 
Not sure where to go from here. I'm exploring various 12 step material. 

BBBH I feel for your situation

We're in this together! And we're gonna break free together!

Youve had enough Fell Shmells


I see Yesods plane is hovering over this page, maybe he'll be so kind and give you a hitch to his next 12 step meeting (which may be around the corner from you). Let him know what time to pick you up - he prefers early morning trips...

Watson has stated previously that 12 stepping without a sponsor is like dancing without singing or music - he didn't use those words but that was his point

Do you want to sing and dance? I sure think so.

KOT

A very common 12-step saying is, "Half measures availed us nothing." 

Praying that wisdom will come to you, may our Maker help you as His son.

BenTorah.BaalHabayis wrote on 05 Sep 2016 17:47: