Thanks everyone for the chizuk. L'maaseh, I've been feeling for a few days that I borderline fell. I can't continue my clean streak like this, I need a new start. In addition, I was laying in bed and couldn't fall asleep. I decided, the heck with it, and went to say hello to my old sites...  So that makes it official. I fell, and will be starting again IY"H. 
I really only spent a few minutes on these old sites. I think the last 6 months have done good for me in the sense that I'm still somewhat repulsed by all that garbage and it wasn't helping my mood. As long as I'm still feeling that way  I hope it will make it easier to start over. It's almost like I went on there specifically so I could say I fell and truly start over.
Now I just need to make a plan how to get out of the rut I'm in and how to deal with difficult periods like this in the future. I need to do chazara on the Handbook and think about this seriously.
Any chizuk and eitzos are still appreciated!

BenTorah.BaalHabayis wrote on 29 May 2016 03:05:

Your wife is not your sex doll. If you're relying on sex with her to keep you sober your sobriety's in big trouble.

Women can be a little irritable when they're pregnant (sometimes when not pregnant too. As can men). Is there anything you could do to make her life a little easier?

regarding not falling asleep after a hard day and therefore feeling the need to letout... I have sometimes the same problem, if there is any help on this site please refer

Sorry to hear.
Some good advice up there.
I was up till after four (and on phone with others).
B'hatzlachah sir.
It will be good.

Watson wrote on 29 May 2016 08:32:


Easy there. I don't think he thinks she's his sex doll. And while a very necessary tool to recovery might be realizing that it doesn't depend on whether you're having sex or when the next time is, there's no doubt that pas besalo makes things easier for some people.

BTBH,

Would be happy to shmooze whenever you want; it was great talking last time. I keep decently late hours and it would probably be good for me too to talk to someone.

Workingguy wrote on 29 May 2016 14:23:

With genuine respect for your point of view, I think that so long as someone 'needs' sex, they are not in recovery. The problem is lust, not masturbation or pornography. That's just this sex-drunk's opinion.

by the way I have heard once from a chusheve yid that it says in zohar hakodosh that when a person is being with his wife, there is a certain holy spirit that goes in to the husband which helps him with his nisyonos and thats the pshat ''ishto meshamarto min hachet''

Watson wrote on 29 May 2016 14:34:

And a Hell of an opinion it is.

Watson, I appreciate and agree with your point completely. I recognize that lust is my issue, especially because I know that before Pesach when I had this more under control I could go for a while without even thinking about sex. 
However, I believe that my main issue with the lack of sex is not so much about the sex in and of itself but rather because of what I feel is lacking in my relationship with my wife. Now granted, my relationship with my wife should also not be dependent on sex. But the reality is that I'm feeling disconnected from my wife over the last few weeks and the lack of sex is one of the ways I'm seeing it manifest itself. And it's not only sex which is missing but the entire physical dimension of our relationship.
Ultimately I think this serves to make me feel lonely and needy and it has allowed lust to creep back in and slowly over take me again. And at this point I recognize that sex is not going to solve my problem. I think what I need is to jumpstart my relationship with my wife, to fill the void in my heart. Sex will (hopefully) be a natural outgrowth of that once the relationship is where it should be (and when she's not feeling so nauseous...) 

that 4 letter word (plus 'fully') in brackets can do with careful reconsideration

Watson wrote on 29 May 2016 08:32:

BenTorah.BaalHabayis wrote on 30 May 2016 02:49:

Sorry to intrude into this conversation, but: BenTorah, do you really agree with Watson's point completely? Is there not room to claim that a married man has a legitimate, biological, need to be with his wife?!

By the way, I saw an extremely interesting interview with Rabbi Manis Friedman ("An Interview on a Sensitive Subject with Rabbi Manis Friedman") in which he claims "There is no such need" (and likens it to cravings for "potato chips" ).  Although I absolutely love all of his talks, when I first saw this one I became almost infuriated ("How can anybody say that?!"). Later on I started thinking: "maybe he's right." But as I go through my own ups-and-downs along my journey (as of now: at 263 days), I still undecidedly flip-flop between these two opinions.

Curious what both of you have to say, within this latter context.

A regular Jewish boy that gets married at 23, does he also have a biological need from puberty till his marriage?

Yesodi wrote on 30 May 2016 08:12:


I think it's important to separate two things in this conversation. Recovery, and whether sex is a "need" or whatever you would like to call it.

I think what is being confused here is how someone who is trying to recover from addiction is supposed to deal with sex, Lust, urges, and desires, and what the usual and natural situation is when one is not an addict or struggling.

Sex is one of the strongest biological urges that exists. It may not be a need like food (you won't die) but it is a built in desire and urge.

See for example chazal's statement that without a yetzer Hara no one would marry, have kids, or even build a home or plant a field.

Also see Chazal that when they got rid of the yetzer Hara for arayos they couldn't find any fresh eggs.

See also the Chazal that says that no one is able to be saved from a little inappropriate thoughts, and see also the way Chazal celebrate Boaz, Palti Ben Layish, and Yosef HaTzadik for living with women when they weren't able to have relations with them.

It's clear that this is a huge and powerful urge. It is also very natural for sex to be an outgrowth of a relationship, and for a man to desire his wife especially if they have a good relationship. Dr Feuerman in his beautiful lectures on this site points out that sex is a vital and integral part of a married relationship.

Denying the above to me is impossible to swallow.

But let's say you're an addict, struggle with Lust, or are in a marriage where for some reason you can't have physical intimacy? Will you die? Can you live without sex, and can you be happy without it? Can you learn to deal with Lust and desire? A hundred percent, and if you're a twelve stepped then you believe that HaShem can help you with it.

So if you're waiting for your wife or any other external solution, you're missing he point bc you're not dealing with it yourself. And one can deal with it themselves and be successful. That is the point- that if you want to recover you have to take responsibility, do whatever is necessary, and stop looking at sex as the solution bc practically that will keep you in the problem of thinking sex will solve it.

That's how I think you out the two together. Sex is a need but like many needs, if you can't have it you can learn to deal with it.

Another "need" is to read the above post by wg, especially the last few paragraphs over and over again.

BenTorah.BaalHabayis wrote on 30 May 2016 02:49:

I can relate to what you write and remember having the same feelings. 
But through revovery I have come to realize, that what I find often is that when having sex with my wife on a regular basis there is also that quiet uninterrupted time of talking before and after the actual relations. These times are precious and help build the relationship.  This might be what you feel you are missing. 

But I got food news for you. You don't need to have sex to get those quiet one on one times. And it doesn't have to be in the bedroom. Take your wife out to a restaurant, shut off your phone and enjoy each other's company. You will see that it will jump start your relationship just as much as sex. 
When we are in the business of day to day life, it becomes increasingly difficult to stop what we are doing and take time off to focus on the real important things in life. But it doesn't have to be that way. If need be schedule such a date for three days from now so you will be comfortable in stopping your daily routine to spend quality time with your wife.(Also it doesn't have to be a restaurant, it can be a park or just stam a walk)