It seems that there are two options to present news like this, either pass it off lightly, or present it as the most depressing moment of all time. I'm going to do my best to resist both and present it how it is, along with a few thoughts.

I had a fall.

Not a full fall BH, and anyone paying attention to my previous few posts (and clearly I was not one of them) could see that something was on the cards. "Filter! Filter! Filter". And yet it's taken me to today to actually install a filter. Last night, for I'd estimate an hour, and a similar amount of time today, I was just zombied out viewing explicit material. Yesterday was far more "ones" I feel, I had far less control and Sid grabbed me, but today Sid sweet talked me and I definitely joined in. Sounds terrible. And definitely I'm particularly upset about today.

But I'm going to be honest, about last night I'm happy, and even about today I'm happy. I did not touch myself once. Once. Now this definitely seems like I'm mitigating responsibility…"I'm still so holy" "I'm amazing". No, look, at the end of the day my count has to restart. My Nedarim are broken and I need to pay the consequences. For sure viewing today was far far beneath myself, completely base, a lowering to a point which is not me. But there is definitely a sense in which I see last night as a triumph.

GYE believes in complete cold turkey. COMPLETE. Which means what I'm going to do really has no place here, but it's my feed and I can do what I like. I'm going to restart by 90 day chart, and track it on a daily basis, like I've been doing, but I'm also going to keep a second count going beneath it, this one is days since I last masturbated. And I'm happy and proud that this one is very much going to keep going. With the help of Hashem.

Thoughts on the fall?

It's bizarre, of course I'm completely chemically addicted to pornography. Of course. But I have a bigger issue, a Shmirat Einayim issue. This is broader and extends to when I'm out and about, my thought process etc. BH I'm blessed with a beautiful Shomer Negia relationship (truly!) but I have a fundamental problem of insecurity. This manifests itself in the following way: my girlfriend is truly the most amazing person on earth. But a strong and powerful part of my brain, you know, Sid, is convinced that if other people see her, they wont think she's so beautiful, and they'll therefore assume that I'm not really that cool, and that my social status is low. In a bid to avoid that problem Sid is constantly trying to convince me to dump her, now Sid is clever because he knows that that won't happen, but he has a militant mission to hunt for beautiful girls, whether on a street, or online, either way. Hunt hunt hunt, to find that perfect one. And then he'll transfix me on her, and either bring one of two thoughts, "she's so amazing I need to be with a girl who looks like that, dump the girlfriend" or "careful she looks more beautiful than your girlfriend stare long enough until you convince yourself that she has enough flaws that your girlfriend is better and your ego can remain in tact". The funny thing is how stupid this whole thing is, I love my girlfriend more than anything, and trawling through the mountain of illicit material in zombie mode, not turned on, but having my head wired into the dopamine rush, nothing was doing it for me, nothing, nothing was quite right, no girl was quite perfect enough, I didn’t find the girl that would compel me to break up, to convince me physical perfection exists etc etc. I'd spend maybe 3 seconds maximum before flicking to the next video. No no no. nothing. No one's perfect. And then I eventually unplugged, pulled the dopamine chord out of the back of my head, and went to sleep.

Bizarely I woke up happy, either because I'd had my rush. But I suspect it's because I resisted the temptation to sink further. I'll never know.
And I just missed my girlfriend.

Today was worse because it was completely beneath me, so no happiness just completely empty from the dopamine rush. And really missing my girlfriend.

That's about it.

Plans for the future?

Clearly I need to keep on doing what I've been doing with a few tweaks. I actually need to sort out my filter, which I've actually done (all paid for) but there's a technical glitch (of course) which I need to sort out with the company.

These first few days will be the hardest time, because I've never not slipped completely, but I just need to take them one at a time. STRONG.

But yes, for now I need to pay off my Knas from my neder. Make new Nedarim. Add a couple of Shticks (one of the Tehillim every day). And restart the count with the new added count below.

I need to maintain the serious surrender to Hashem which has been going so well for me.

And I need to add one more important component. Shmirat Eynaim, I need to become makpid on this, and really what do I mean, I need to thoroughly work on Self Confidence (not Ego), so I stop having this desire to work out my social status by checking out girls, exactly how I will have to work out over time. But with that said…off we go.

0 days done. 90 to go. [first count…pornography]

48 days down. 42 to go [second count…masturbation]

As always the fight continues (feels very weird to write that)

cordnoy wrote:

Is it under your bed? Are there voices inside of your head?

I really feel your pain there's nothing like going clean for a long time and having a fall . Hashem should give you the strength to get back up and cont. even stronger. Hope to see on the Medal of Honor in 90 days! Every fall is meant to make you stronger and to look back what I could improve that will prevent me from falling again whether a strong filter or not to spend to much time surfing etc. I admire you a lot for not just "throwing in the towel"and saying if my name is anyways not on the chart might as well maturbate . Keep on going strong we're gonna do this!!!!

ysftw wrote:

Hi ysftw (I wont even try to figure out what that stands for),
I have a couple of comments and questions on the above. First off, I'd like to commend you on all the hard work you put in to stay sober over the past 48 days. It took me a 16 months on GYE, and another 16 months in SA to accomplish that. That's amazing.
That being said, I would like to share with you my personal experience: When I finally got that 48 days, and then continued onto 157 days, I realized something profound. If I fight, I lose. I always did. What was different now? I didn't fight, I surrendered.
Now, what does surrender mean? I honestly am not sure. But I know what it means to ME. Surrender means getting out of the ring. If I have pornographic material on my phone, I will be fighting all day with myself not to view it. And I will inevitably lose. So I delete it , simple. Easy? no, but it is simple.
Someone in SA once shared with me that he was by a lecture and kept turning around to look at someone who he was lusting over. He then shared that to counteract his lust, he prayed for that person (It's an idea given in SA, maybe try it). I answered that if he wouldn't turn around, he wouldn't have to pray so much! To me, that is surrender. Turning around to look but then saying "I wont lust", is getting into the boxing ring, not surrender. I lose in the boxing ring.
Another thing I realized, was that the more emphasis I put on "not acting out", the more I will be thinking about acting out, and that will lead me to act out. To me that's also getting into the ring. Always thinking of not acting out is always fighting, and I cant fight. So I stopped. Instead, I put more of an emphasis on living. I learn in Kollel and work at night. My most productive days were during those five months. I just concentrated on doing the next right thing. What am I supposed to be doing now? learn? eat? sleep? work? then I will do that and only that. I am not supposed to be thinking about holding my hand above my waist all day. That's not why God put me on this world. Again, is all this easy? absolutely not, but you gotta admit, it IS pretty simple
When I read through this thread, I get flashbacks to where I was 2 years ago. Holding my breath. Inevitably, I would fall, because how long can I hold my breath already?

Oh, and one more question who the heck is this Sid guy!?

Lizhensk wrote:


Yep

Keep your head up.
Continued hatzlachah.

I agree with a lot of what liz said.

You can look back at the beginning of this thread where I probably told you similar things. Every day you post, I was holding my breath for your holding of your breath. As I clicked to see what you would write, it was like: shew, he made it thru another day. Now, some people can go on like that for a while. Perhaps you are one of those. I'm not sure. Maybe you wanna read a bit of the white book and see if it speaks to you....one thing I know, it won't be speaking to Sid.

Hatzlachah

Yeah, I relate to what has been written. I have been rooting for you from the sidelines but I was kinda holding my breath. My thought process was, "I hope this is all he needs, and I hope he succeeds." I was waiting to see if your plan would work for you or not. Not to say that all is over, which it's not, and it never is. However, this is an obvious hiccup (I'm not gonna call it a slip or a fall or a loss of sobriety, that is up to you).

I am still rooting for you and I hope you do well. But after you calm down from the hangover of lust, which is inevitable, I would suggest thinking about what did and didn't work and what maybe there is to improve. It doesn't necessarily mean doing more intense work or adding on things to do, but it can be that you might need to think differently about your situation then you have before. (I would like to echo the post about how "not acting out" just made me think more about acting out). That was how I had success. When I realized that I am sick and not the average dude I found so much serenity because it's OK if things weren't working for me. I'm not wired like everybody else! It's not a chisaron on my part. I just want to be clear that I am not saying you are in my situation AT ALL, however I would like to say what I did to find success breaking free from lust.

Shlomo24 wrote:


A late entry for post of the year.

Mark, is there still time to enter this one?

cordnoy wrote:
I think there's a fight between Shlomo24's comment and Liz's for the top spot
Let's just settle them both to share it, fartig, before Sid pokes his head

I'm biased of course, and have reserved the 2nd spot for what I wrote on page one of this thread a little more than a month ago

markz wrote:

Lizhensk wrote:


This is brilliant.
Thanks so much to you and everybody else who wrote.
Just to clarify what you are talking about is fundamental attitude changes and massive precautions?

Sid is the name I gave to my yetzer hara cos why not.
Anyway as always on a Friday I can't post updates because it hasn't been a day yet. But still. Much to ponder on Shabbat. Scary/exciting stuff.
Shabbat shalom to all

Im only gonna say what works for me - Id work on the attitude change and forget about precautions. In real life we need the precautions as backup, but not the focus at all

I'm really impressed how you picked yourself up and keep trucking along!!!

Can you try see if you can write up a plan that will enable success - regardless of filters and taphsics - in other words - think outside of the boxing ring that was mentioned on page 1 - I think this is what Lizhensk was saying here

I wish you all the best and Good Shabbos

2 days clean.
50 days of no masturbation

Thanks Markz for clarifying. Will think seriously beyond the ring and write back tomorrow.
I think I may stop counting on the thread too and pet the chart do it for me.
We keep going.

ysftw wrote:

ysftw, first of all I'd like to commend you on the fact that you didn't throw in the towel but rather you are reflecting on your situation on resolving to pick yourself up and continue onward. You're a true inspiration.
Forgive me if the question I'm going to ask is out of line. But thinking about everything you wrote I can't help but wonder. You see, I grew up in a society where having a Girlfriend was unacceptable, so I can't relate at all to what it's like fighting this battle with a Girl in your life. B"H I'm married now, but this is obviously a completely different ballgame as you will hopefully learn about at the right time.
Now, it sounds like you have the girl of your dreams and I can only imagine that it must be hard to keep the relationship just as a "Platonic relationship" with such a person. So my question is, although you are in a "Shomer Negiah" relationship (which is truly admirable) can you be sure that this relationship isn't affecting you negatively when trying to keep lust under control?

I wish you continued hatzlacha!

cordnoy wrote:

Shlomo24 wrote:

markz wrote:

ysftw wrote:


And yet not one Thank You...

I gave you one, here's another