Four days in, up last night until 2, up at 5, laying down to nap before learning with my son until שבת, and thinking that masturbating would help be relax and get to sleep. Or maybe a ham a d cheese sandwich... that would definitely hit the spot...
Laughed with the Rabbi this morning about the long lines of people waiting to show their citron and palms branches. Where were they before Yom Kippur?
Found my thoughts drifting during prayer to how cute one of my son's friends is... and let the thoughts pass through me until only I remained, talking to my King.
I could probably pleasure myself to orgasm without recalling any image or telling myself any story, my body feals ready. But I won't because it's time to move on.
If my kids can learn how to pray and believe my watching when I don't even think to teach, perhaps if I open myself up to holiness, it will be easier for them too.

Got to sleep on my own. Lots of baby steps ahead...

Day 6. Held a boys hand for a moment as I brushed past...

Thanks for your posts! Glad you're here.

Hatzlacha!

Day 7. Sorry but gyeadmin reminds me of Ganymede. You know, the moon... I'm feeling old...

Made it through a hard day intact. Reminds me of what a small part of who I really am this addiction truly is.

You need some new monstuh shocks

That may be overcompensating...

Reading other peoples posts, I'm reminded how unexceptional I am, especially when I give in to my weaknesses.

Or in hebrew, we read today אין חדש תחת השמש, and רשי explains that שמש is referring to Torah.

While the ways that we succeed and grow are varied, the ways that we fall are the "same old story".

So I need to value the community more and look for guidance instead of convincing myself I'm too unique for any of it to apply to me.

Or something...

"I'm reminded how unexceptional I am"

This is one of the very powerful lessons I learned from this forum too. We are not exceptional in the sense of having a unique struggle.

But you should take pride in the fact that you are taking the exceptional steps, that most other addicts are oblivious to!!

Ran into a boy at the mikve that I've taught, and it was very uncomfortable. Its remarkable the extent that I have to be able to objectify someone before I can be aroused by them. It's one of the reasons that I began to avoid straight porn once I had kids; I couldn't stomach seeing someone's daughter being degraded. Doesn't work the other way, though. "Befriending" someone your attracted to get you into all sorts of stupid...

Back to normal, time come off the mountain and navigate everyday life. At least managed to get ahead on prepping some of the material for סדרים, so should be able to get off to a good start. If I can get more organized in general and take off some of the stress, maybe the "need" for "distractions " won't be as acute....

I appreciate your honest open posts, and I feel myself a lot of your sentiments and concerns.

Could you share what steps you are using to succeed, eg 12 steps, or other baby steps

At this point I'm just trying to remind myself of what I already know.

Part of that is documenting my struggles so that I can learn from them.
I'm also trying to be realistic with my goals. I notice that when I package my problems too tightly, even the slightest mistep sends me into a complete tailspin of guilt and self loathing. So my goal is to stay away porn sites, and not indulge in masturbation. Every day I can accomplish that is a win.

Thought I'd try to unravel the whole "an I gay" issue.

To begin with as an Orthodox Jew, I'm comfortable with the distinction between the desire and the act even if I feel its artificial. So I'm willing to say that homosexuality isn't sinful a long as one does't engage in specific sexual acts. sa the fact that I've never engaged in gay sex is meaningful.

And the whole gay culture has always struck me as fundamentally selfish and opportunistic. Not my scene.

Even the question of sexual attraction is complicated. To some extent I recognize that alot of my sexual landscape has been shaped by learned behaviours. As a good ישיבה בחור I automatically avoid looking or interacting with women socially and while I're mellowed out some I'll still move to the side of the sidewalk rather than walk directly behind a girl.

However my attraction to certain males don't have the same restraints. And I think that I've allowed myself to focus my sexual interest on males
to the extent that its displaced my normal interest in women.

But when I do relax my inhibitions I very much appreciate women as sexual creatures.

The real question for me is who to I feel the most intimate with, and that is my wife. There isn't anyone I'm closer to or trust more. And that makes the whole question of labeling my sexuality moot. Because I'm not trying to figure out which tour to take in Thailand, or which side of the מחיצה to sit on, but if I need to define my love, it will be to the woman at the center of my life.