laughingman wrote on 22 Feb 2016 21:14:
.....but now when i act out i try to.put it out of my mind and dont worry about the "gehinnom" no matter how vivid i feel.it and try to remember "והוא רחום יכפר עון" and surely i am considered as a sick person rather than a sinner ....but at the same time i feel like "nu, if a sick person flung himself out a window; wouldnt he still be at least severely damaged? If not dead?" And all the more so if he does it repeatedly ...
Well that certainly is a mouthful or a screenful LM. I can't comment on all of it at this time, and some of it I don't think I would comment on at all. But what you say regarding the ruchniyus aspect of it really resonates. I also only 'feel' bad when I ejaculate. But that is wrong. It is the frummy in me. My real problem is using lust in any way. From the first look, to beginning to lust and delve into thoughts or images.. to masturbation. Even just starting it... That is where I have crossed the line into acting out- acting on my lust. Seeing it here in black and white makes me realize how much I have been going about this the wrong way by only getting upset at myself when I 'finish"
This is because... If I only feel guilty when I finish, I can start because maybe I won't finish... right!? What usually winds up happening is that I finish in any case which is bad and I feel guilty. When I don't finish, I go away and think I am ok... But I am really not. I just lusted, and for me that was not 'just' an aveira, but acting on a set of internal compulsions that will ultimately kill me. Just like a drug addict dies from his addiction, and an alcoholic may die from his... mine will lead me to death. Maybe through disease, maybe through looking just a little too long at a billboard or another driver while on the highway... maybe by keeping mein constant depression which will of course lead to other health problems.. But it will kill me.
Really I need to understand that the
starting is the problem. The masturbation is already acting out for me and any masturbation addict. Even before masturbating I am acting out. And that is what I need a support group and other addicts to help me recover from.
What does NOT work for me, EVER is thinking about punishment. Gehinom, Yom Kippur, knassing myself.. all that stuff just has me glazing my eyes over in depression and it doesn't get me toward not acting out. Sure feels bad... Makes me believe I am committing... but never improved a bit. Not one bit from it.
I mean ti me it is an inspiration that you had sobriety and lost it and came back... Right now I need that inspiration. I had a good stretch of sobriety, lost it and really lost it... and now I want to come back. Seeing others working recovery, even slipping back into acting out sometimes but still getting back to working recovery is what it takes for me to believe I can do it too.
If you are an addict, which you sound like you may be... you are sick. Sick means you need to get medicine. I don't believe Hashem will punish me for being sick... He made me sick and knows how sick I am... but for not taking my medicine, I can be held accountable.