Every time that i come on here i just whine .....like in real life .....mostly because i am constantly looking at life in a way where i never had it when i did and now i dont cause i never appreciated it .....its been a never ending cycle ....i kinda live the rest of my life on auto pilot so that my kids have their life .....but i feel like i dont belong in a marriage .....i come from a pretty messed up world ....where there are no parents or family ....only the "system" ....an emotionless entity that mostly kept us on life support and education ....and gave us freely so we would feel better about our situation ....but i was always waiting for the day i would " graduate" and be on my own ...which i did ..for too short a time it would seem .....now with my marriage in difficulty ....i sorta feel that way again ...i feel like i trapped myself .....

I have been told not to dwell on the past or even the effects ....just to focus on the good i have .....but as a career negative person it sometimes feels impossible .....and i dont even use what tools i have ....i have been here for nearly 5 years .....and with all my moaning i never learned to cry here INSTEAD of where it would cause damage ....

Im lucky ....if i just sit tight and be happy and not selfish .....i can just be there for my family ....i dont do anything else .....but that voice pops in that reminds me "you coulda had it ALL!" and you blew it ....now if im lucky i can simply teach my children not to repeat my mistakes .....

laughingman wrote:


Best post of yours that I have ever seen here. The past had lots of upbeat posts that were not real, lots of whines that were useless. This post is gold, man. It's showing you are a man standing at the brink of reality. Starting to see it is not an abyss, but just -- reality.

I think you are so right about so much, here.

And especially useful is:




It's so good that you are starting to see that these voices are just that: voices. Just voices. Nothing to them, really. Just old news. Old enemies. Old lies. Pride keeps them alive and loud, while acceptance of an imperfect, blemished life can be allowed in by humility. And that will start the door opening up to a sane, useful lifetime ahead of you. You are young, your life is young, your kids are young. There is a lot more to do than just 'teach them not to repeat your mistakes'.

That teaching is a thing largely out of our power, I think. It's in G-d's hands what they actually learn. You and me can live life to the fullest and as honestly as we can today, that's all. They will learn what they will need to learn and there is a Good G-d here w us and with them Who takes care of things the way they need to be. I need to live with that, or else I get lost and drown in pretending I can manage and pull all the strings controlling for all contingencies, etc...a nutty way to live. Miserable.

Thank G-d there is another way. And you are starting to walk it.

Dov wrote:


Truly meaningful stuff. The kind we read on this forum and grow from.

Reality hits and its a tough swallow.

Do we roll over and play dead?

or

Do we rise to the occasion and develop ourselves - in the areas of life that we can - to the very best of our abilities.



" O G-d, give us the serenity to accept what cannot be changed,
The courage to change what can be changed,
and the wisdom to know the one from the other"

I masterbated yesterday ......i did it because i had an overwhelming desire to feel good .....i feel bad about what i did .....i felt no positive feeling from what i did even though i felt like i would perhaps .....today i will pick up and not do that again ....


I know i commited a grave mistake that can cause alot of negativity and i am sorry ....i will make amends for what i have damaged ....to the best of my ability ....i cannot beat this with out Hashems help .....i am ill ....and only Hashem can help me if i admit that i cannot overcome this by myself and ......

I feel for you my brother

Mind if I comment on your last 7 words?

"I cannot overcome this by myself"

Yes and No

Yes - I can't recover without G-d guiding me, and without him by my side

No - The recovery needs me to start the engine.
If I'm not getting sober, it's my responsibility, not anyone else nor G-d

hatzlacha

Very true thank you

Somedays ....i feel like i have this ....like Hashem really is at my side and doesnt give up ....as evidence that im still alive

And other days i feel the opposite ....that life is actually a way to trick me ....that im really too far gone ......that everything im trying now is really pointless and hopeless .......and then i stop trying .....stop caring about anything.....all selfishness really.......but i dont know how to live out some of my days .....even one at a time sometimes ....

Yesterday i m********

I was busy feeling bad about things i had done in the past ...my marriage mistakes ....my life mistakes ....and it being shabbat i wasnt able to call on anyone .....i was soo busy feeling sorry for myself ...

I remembered not to use a phone but not to refrain from something equally bad, if not worse

I recently got in contact with sa people near me ....but i am still working up the courage and time to go to a meeting ...although i am not even sure that is where i need to be .....i do need therapy ....that is obvious like it is day .... i just dont know what kind or where to get it from

I havent been talking to anyone lately .....not about anything i feel at least

I have not been here a longo time ....i have been rethinking what, if anything i wanted or was going to accomplish here ......then i thought that it is all meant for something ....but times have definitely changed .....i used to talk here alot about the 90 day chart .....but thats only there to give chizuk ......but it can become a crutch too ....over the years my understanding of just what i was doing wrong .....on to what was wrong with me in general and how weird my thinking had become ...and how much frustration reality checks would cause me now i start to think of not clean or fall but acting out ....and not being in control or understanding that i have no control .....and that my problem might be one of the most complex  .....because it isnt simple to me ....and when i make it simple i succeed .....i stop thinking in terms of forever and only today ...and now ...           i at the same time see things .....not alll but some       that get undone seemingly on their own ....but its not autonomous ....

laughingman wrote on Unknown:


My friend please do yourself a favor

Speak to a Therapist, like I do

(If money is an issue give me a buzz)

Then come back and keep us posted

Then come back and keep us posted

Thing is do you already know a good therapist ....in israel 

I'd email the Admin, eyes.guard@gmail.com, he should have some contact info for you

I only wish the best for you!!

LM I clicked on your thread from hte 90 day chart. Having sobriety and losing it, and then coming back is a real fight. Never give up, your perseverence is an inspiration to me.. I took far too long to get back and while I work toward 90, I am beginning to see that the reality is not the count, but the willingness to keep coming back and start again if need be... 

I have to say i dont feel like i am an inspiration .....i feel like im failing miserably ....maybe its because for years now i failed to adequetly define my problem correctly .....i went from not thinking im an addict to being convinced i am to being sure its all really a sholom bayis issue to a myriad of other problems ......Thank G-d my marital problems seem to have moved alittle ....i am frightened to even acknowledge progress in that area ...i am terrified of "jinxing" whatever positive we have accomplished....i think we have come to the new realization that all we have is each other and that we arent perfect and thats ok .....but back to what i was saying (how about that for a twist im going back to my original issue) i dont have yet a true handle on what i am having a problem with and what i want to accomplish ....i know that when i act out i A: m*******, i B: look at porn and c: am unloving to my wife ......which is why soo many count resets lately ....i still dont have a proper support anything ....i talk here and there to dov and others 
...but now i think having said all that i wish to understand and keep to a lifestyle where my obsession with self pleasure is understood by me as something i actually have no control over and need to define clearly what my real boundaries need to be ......i feel.like an absolute failure ....but only when i ejac*****. There are a bunch of steps that lead to that .....just like in drinking ....the first drink inevitably leads to a drunken episode ....after which the alchoholic feels empty and miserable .....but this is worse ....cause i focus on what the Torah says ....and beat myself up for it every time .....but now when i act out i try to.put it out of my mind and dont worry about the "gehinnom" no matter how vivid i feel.it and try to remember "והוא רחום יכפר עון" and surely i am considered as a sick person rather than a sinner ....but at the same time i feel like "nu, if a sick person flung himself out a window; wouldnt he still be at least severely damaged? If not dead?" And all the more so if he does it repeatedly ...

laughingman wrote on 22 Feb 2016 21:14:


That is more than OK, that is HUGE!

Continued progress!