* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends
less than my wife did.

* My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

ZemirosShabbos wrote:
well....
If some guys were recommended for their sobriety to clean the toilets today, you know, whatever it takes...

cordnoy wrote:

The towing company may provide such services, but it ain't free, and there's no coverage for gettin' towed to hell if anythin' happens on the way (like g's gettin' lost)

There's no other thread (yet) that suits this sageous quote
cordnoy wrote:

I've been on gye for very very a long time and I will get sober without anyone else's input

Watch me trucking along toward 90 days

obormottel wrote:

Gevura Shebyesod wrote:

----------------------
obormottel wrote:

Blind Beggar wrote:

[quote="markz" post=273218]obormottel wrote:

Gevura Shebyesod wrote:

You made my day!

SO I was at this party, and I wound up at a table where three attractive single women were complaining about -- surprise! -- men. Specifically, they were complaining about the pickup lines that had been used on them in a bar a few nights earlier.
One woman said: ``This guy comes up to me and says, `Are you a teacher?' I mean, is that supposed to be ROMANTIC?'' All three women rolled all six of their eyes.
Another one of them said: ``This guy says to me, `I've been looking at you all night!' So I go, `Hel-LO, we just GOT here.' '' At this point all three women -- and I want to stress that these are intelligent, nice women -- were laughing. Not me. I was feeling bad for the guys.
I realize there are certain hardships that only females must endure, such as childbirth, waiting lines for public-restroom stalls and a crippling, psychotic obsession with shoe color.
So I grant that it is not easy being a female. But I contend that nature has given males the heaviest burden of all: the burden of always having to Make the First Move, and thereby risk getting Shot Down. I don't know WHY males get stuck with this burden, but it's true throughout the animal kingdom. If you watch the nature shows on the Discovery Channel, you'll note that whatever species they are talking about -- birds, crabs, spiders, clams -- it is ALWAYS the male who has to take the initiative.
It's always the male bird who does the courting dance, making a total moron of himself, while the female bird just stands there, looking aloof, thinking about what she's going to tell her girlfriends.(``And then he hopped around on one foot! Like I'm supposed to be impressed by THAT!'')
Male insects have it the worst. The Discovery Channel announcer is always saying things like: ``After the mating, the female mantis bites off the male mantis' head, and then she and her girlfriend mantises use it to play a game that looks a lot like Skee Ball.''
Because I live in Florida, my patio is basically a giant singles bar for lizards. On any given day during mating season, I'll see dozens of male lizards out there making their most suave lizard move, which consists of inflating and deflating a red pouch under their chins. They seem to think that female lizards really go for a guy with a big chin pouch, but I have never once, in 14 years of close observation, seen a female respond. They just squat there looking bored, while all around them males are blinking on and off like defective warning lights.
Every now and then you'll see an offbeat TV news story about some animal, usually a moose, that has for some reason fallen in love with, and decided to relentlessly court, something totally inappropriate, such as a lawn tractor. This animal is ALWAYS a male. In the news report, they show it hanging around the lawn tractor with a big sad moony look, totally smitten, while the lawn tractor cruelly ignores it.
My point here is that in matters of the heart, males have the brains of a walnut.
No, wait! That is not my point. My point is that perhaps you women could cut us males a little bit of slack in the move-making process because we are under a lot of stress.
I vividly remember when I was in 10th grade, and I wanted to call a girl named Patty and ask her to a dance, and before I picked up the phone, I spent maybe 28 hours rehearsing exactly what I was going to say. So when I actually made the call, I was pretty smooth.
``Hello, Dance?'' I said. ``This is Patty. Do you want to go to the Dave with me?'' FORTUNATELY, Patty grasped the basic thrust of my gist and agreed to go to the dance.
This was a good thing, because if she had shot me down, I would have been so humiliated that I would never have been able to go back to school. I would have dropped out of 10th grade and lied about my age and joined the U.S. armed forces, and as a direct result the Russians would have won the Cold War.
In conclusion, let me just say to all females everywhere, on behalf of all males everywhere, that you are very beautiful and your eyes are like two shining stars, unless you're a female fly, in which case your eyes are more like 2,038 shining stars. So please give us a chance. And if YOU'RE not interested, could you introduce us to your lawn tractor?

The Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by
two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back
together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) reponded,

Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know
what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat
old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and
pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between
them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his
father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light
up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the
last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse
order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous
24 year old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly
to his son ...

Go get your mother."

Eslaasos can you explain to me why לחם and מלחמה share the same shoresh

Just come to my house tonight and watch what happens when there's one slice of Challa left

cordnoy wrote: