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The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :)
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Getting out of Isolation and connecting with others is an important part of recovery. This board is for non-addiction related threads, where members exchange jokes, have fun - and drink Lechayim Together!

TOPIC: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 246718 Views

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 10 Sep 2019 22:57 #343494

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Ha! That just proves my point!

I eat Corn Chex. I only wrote Rice Chex to protect my anonymity.

can't trust anything these days.. some even claim that Markz first name is Karl.... So sad....fake news...
BIG SHOT!
Free Choice?!
Yirai's Memories
STORY TIME :)

Dr. Seuss - You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.

FSKOT! (Fell Shmell--Keep on Trucking) (The Rebba R' Bards)

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 26 Nov 2019 09:57 #345412

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My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 26 Nov 2019 09:58 #345413

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My wife apologized for the first time ever today............. She said she's sorry she ever married me!
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 26 Nov 2019 10:43 #345417

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Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I told her : 'Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the connections that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die.'

My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me proceeded to disconnect the Cable TV , DVD, then the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my Whisky, Rum, Gin, Vodka and Beer from the fridge.

I ALMOST DIED!!

Think before you speak. The female brain works on a different wavelength!!

For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 26 Nov 2019 10:52 #345418

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Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don’t have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"

For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 26 Nov 2019 14:41 #345422

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sleepy wrote on 26 Nov 2019 09:57:
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

you know what they say, "where theres smoke....shes cooking again!"(this one i saw on the just having fun archive)
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 27 Nov 2019 07:02 #345473

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WOMEN

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and make him happy.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the greatest guy on earth...

No wait...Sorry.

:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
                                              
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post
Last Edit: 27 Nov 2019 10:12 by sleepy.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 27 Nov 2019 08:19 #345474

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 SIGNS:
On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."


For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 27 Nov 2019 08:25 #345475

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Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

...

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle

please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Betcha the liar told you I was speeding too.

For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 27 Nov 2019 08:31 #345476

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His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,
'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?
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Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 28 Nov 2019 08:10 #345543

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when obama was president:
       

I bought a new Ford F350 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck

Go figure, it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.

I returned to the dealer yesterday

Because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'

Came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant

' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days,

Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'

I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,

'Beatles,' I'd get one of their  songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light

And nearly creamed my new truck,

But I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, 'stupid!'

Immediately the radio responded with,

Ladies and Gentlemen,

The President of The United States …

man! I love this truck.

For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post
Last Edit: 28 Nov 2019 08:12 by sleepy.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 28 Nov 2019 08:22 #345544

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some blondes are smart:

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

"Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.


For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 28 Nov 2019 08:39 #345546

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A man was thinking that his wife has hearing issues. He decides to consult a doctor.

The doctor tells the man that he should try the standard question test: ask a question from 20 feet away, then 10 feet, then right next to her.

When the man got home, he stood twenty feet away from his wife and asked, "What's for dinner?"

No answer.

The man walked 10 feet forward and asked again, "What's for dinner?"

Still no answer.

Finally, the man stood right next to his wife and said, "What's for dinner?"

His wife said,"For the third time, it's CHICKEN!"

For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 28 Nov 2019 09:01 #345547

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A man is in bed  when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rollsover and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows."Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??""But the guy was drunk," says the husband."It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey,do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 28 Nov 2019 09:20 #345548

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A blind fellow tapped his way into a bar one day. Wanting to just make conversation he said..... "anybody want to hear a blond joke?"

The place suddenly went silent and after a moment the female bartender said...... "listen buddy, i am blond, 6 ft tall, an athlete and have a short temper, also both bouncers are big blonds, do you still want to tell that blond joke?"

The blind man said,  no way ! Not if i have to explain it three times......

For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post
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