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The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :)
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Getting out of Isolation and connecting with others is an important part of recovery. This board is for non-addiction related threads, where members exchange jokes, have fun - and drink Lechayim Together!

TOPIC: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 245494 Views

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 26 Apr 2018 05:12 #330325

  • ieeyc
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Isn`t it so true...when a man answers the phone he reaches for a pencil.

when a woman answers the phone
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!

לב  טהור   ברא   לי   אלקים , ורוח  נכון    חדש  בקרבי

  to all my friends who heeded my request  to be so generous and give me a negative karma  for the sake of me acquiring       
                                                . humility ,i humbly  thank you                                                                                                 

Last Edit: 26 Apr 2018 05:17 by ieeyc.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 26 Apr 2018 05:24 #330326

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The world is filled with three types of people:The Schlemiels,the Schlemazels and the Nudniks.

The Schlemiel is clumsy; he always spills his soup.And where does the soup land? On the  Schlemazels  pants of course!

And where is the Nudnik in all this?

He wants to know what soup it was-chicken,noodle or vegetable.

לב  טהור   ברא   לי   אלקים , ורוח  נכון    חדש  בקרבי

  to all my friends who heeded my request  to be so generous and give me a negative karma  for the sake of me acquiring       
                                                . humility ,i humbly  thank you                                                                                                 

Last Edit: 26 Apr 2018 05:28 by ieeyc.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 07 Jun 2018 19:34 #331854

  • ILFT-ME
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Just finished the entire 128 pages of jokes (not in one go, obviously) and they made me laugh my head off (not to be taken literally), I thought I'll add some that didn't appear yet.

I’ve got a book coming out soon. Shouldn’t have eaten it, really

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over

One time I thought I’d come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots

I’ve just finished my book I wrote on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better

We’ve had to get a live-in nanny, ‘cos that dead one wasn’t working out

A guy said “I wanted to have kids for five years but my wife wants them forever”

I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.

An American walks into a Swiss bank with a giant, heavy sack in each of his hands. He goes to the teller, brings his face close to the glass and whispers, "I have two million dollars with me. I urgently need to open a secret Swiss bank account!"

The Swiss bank teller replies in a normal volume, "Sir, there's no need to whisper. Poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

 "Honey, why did you build the child's bed so high?" - "We can hear it better if he falls out."

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
Last Edit: 07 Jun 2018 19:41 by ILFT-ME. Reason: missing text

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 12 Jun 2018 22:21 #332120

  • lionking
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Employer : We need someone for this Job, who is Responsible.
Applicant : Sir, your search ends here. In my previous job, whenever anything went wrong, they Always said I am Responsible!!!
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com
Last Edit: 12 Jun 2018 22:21 by lionking. Reason: formatting

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 12 Jun 2018 22:39 #332124

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Deleted
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com
Last Edit: 13 Jun 2018 20:07 by lionking. Reason: Deleted

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 12 Jun 2018 23:31 #332126

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I had to stop reading this because I was laughing way too hard for my age: see #mprraccoon on Twitter.

The comments by people from all walks of life commenting on the raccoon crawling up fifty stories are hysterical ...

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 13 Jun 2018 20:12 #332180

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I would like to apologize to anyone whom my yesterday's post bothered them. I wasn't thinking clearly and it was wrong of me to post without being considerate of others.

I was very insensitive, and I might have caused people's minds to imagine a little. I pray that everyone should please forgive me and שלא תצא מכשול מתחת ידי.
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 14 Jun 2018 10:18 #332209

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Ben Cohen and his brother Moishe are partners in a menswear business. One day Ben's son asks his father: "Dad, what does business ethics mean?"
Ben replies: Someone comes into the shop and buys a tie for $12. He pays with a $20 bill, I give him the change. "As he goes out I realise he gave me a $50 bill, not a twenty, "So there's the question of business ethics: do I tell Moishe or not”?

A man was on his deathbed when he says to his friend who is a lawyer:
"I was thinking how you told me I could get a law degree if I had enough money to buy one. How much does it cost again?"
"It's $65,000," replied the lawyer. "But you are dying! Why would you want to have a law degree now?"
"That is none of your concern", replied the dying man. "I want you to get me that law certification!"
Within the week, the sick man had received his law degree. Of course his lawyer quickly came to his side, to make sure the bill would be paid in full.
Within moments the old man began having trouble breathing and was gasping for air. It was clear he would not live much longer.
The lawyer was going nuts not knowing why this man would want a law degree and pay so much for it when he knew the end was near.
"please, please can't you tell me why you wanted this law degree so desperately before you died?"
Barely able to speak and on his last dying breath, the old man said,
"One less lawyer..."

Save a cow - eat a vegetarian

Hymie tells his friend Moishe: ‘I think I’m going to divorce my wife, she hasn’t spoken to me in over two months.’
Moishe considers and says: ‘You’d better think it over, Hymie. Women like that are hard to find.’

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 26 Jul 2018 02:46 #333929

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Time for a serious post

Trouble wrote on 11 May 2018 15:22:
Hi,

"What works for me" is the category, so I figured I'd let you know a method that I have been tinkering with, and I am glad to report that when used (that doesn't mean that I always use it), it is 6 and 0! 

Here goes: (the last instance): I was jogging in the park minding my own business (supposedly), when on my left, a 23 year old blonde girl in a ponytail wearing a tank top & shorts passed me by (I figured she was 23, for i was able to count her veins, similar to the age of a tree). Now, from the moment I saw her, I knew she was mine for the taking. I instinctively sped up (as I felt my rib cage in agony) to get a better look, and to accurately assess if she indeed was 23, or perhaps I counted wrong. It was then that I knew that I was lusting after her and it needed to stop - immediately! [First I tried several other methods; more about that later.] So, for the sixth time, I used my method: I began to sing: M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E; Mickey Mouse (come on, you know it, sing along with me), and after several glances from other passerbys, it was over; I no longer was lusting after that 33 year old brunette; I was done with her. Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggety dog! Pulled out my index card, labeled - you guessed it: Mickey Mouse Approach; pulled out my hole puncher and notched for the sixth time  a hole in the "victory" column. The losses column is still resting comfortably at 0. It works if you work it; you're worth it, so work it! "It's a brand new day; what'cha waiting for?

Now, some of you naysayers might say that I was just using the "distraction" method, but indeed I wasn't, and I can prove it. I tried that first. I distracted myself by counting sheep, but every sheep I envisioned was wearing the same tank top and shorts. No good.

I also tried the davaning approach; so I prayed for her, but I was praying that she and I would be holding hands by the Kosel (thru the mechitzah of course), both of us fervently praying that this relationship should last.

It was then that i pulled out the last stop gap; step one! I admitted that i was powerless and my life was unmanageable, and that was true, but if she would just come home with me, my life would be completely manageable.

What was I to do? I took out my pocket chovas halevavos and mesilas yesharim, but all I could think of was that the "straight path" would be by following my "heart" and hers was probably in the same place.

Nothing doing.

When all else fails, Mickey Mouse comes to the rescue - six times in a row - Goofy would be proud.

Not that i'm so audacious to tell any of you that this tried and proven method would work for you, but it might.

So long for now (that's me!).
My Story---------Dov Quotes


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Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 29 Jul 2018 05:32 #334035

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On the topic of 'Go regularly to the Mikvah', Dov wrote on 08 Nov 2013 18:43:
My dear chaver,

I recommend you spend a few weeks watching the first half (the hilarious parts) of 10 shmoozes by Rav Shalom Schwadron zt"l...but skip the serious and meaningful end parts - you don't need that stuff at all. You are clearly overdosed and suffering from a severe case of OCD (Oy! Can't Doit!).

If R' Sholom's first halfs can't save you from your PTSS (Post-Teenage Seriousness Syndrome) c"v, then try about 10 kosher badchan videos from chassidish weddings until you learn how to laugh about yourself, about humanity, and then about yourself again a little more.

...And if none of those work to loosen you up a few notches, then it'll have to be some Richard Pryor. Sorry. There may be no other way.

But that would be a last resort, and the GYE censor (I believe that's how MT gets the big bucks here) would need to 'BEEP' out all the dirty words. 

But it would still work.

In fact, watching a Pryor routine is even funnier with the 'BEEP's because it then seems to be one, long 'BEEEEEPPP'!

Kind of like what the insides of our heads should sound like if we 'BEEP'd out all negative self-talk, overseriousness, euphoric recall of naked people stuff, and sports scores from before the Dodgers left Brooklyn.

You and I both need a refuah, young man.

Badly.

My Story---------Dov Quotes


What works for me:
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100 Day Success Stories: cordnoy, Dov, Gevura and more...
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Last Edit: 29 Jul 2018 05:37 by Markz.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 29 Jul 2018 10:54 #334044

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Markz, Great find!
You might as well post the whole thread. People had much more (un)serious banter going on years ago. It feels almost like two separate generations. Nowadays if someone dares to write that way, he is getting too offensive and risk being banned.
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 31 Jul 2018 06:50 #334125

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Right after Sheva Brachos  a Yungerman  comes  to the Keilim Mikva to Toivel a set of dishes. He comes back  the second day to Toivel another set of dishes. For the entire week he came to Toivel a  different set of dishes, every day. People started getting curious. Somebody went over to him, and asked him " 3 sets of dishes i understand- Milchigs, Fleishigs, Pareve. A fourth set-Pesach. But why do you need seven sets of dishes?" 
The Yungerman answered "im embarrassed to admit it, but my new  wife and I don't get along so well. We made up that instead  of cursing each  other out- every time we're angry-we'll  let it out on the dishes, instead.". So the guy asked the Yungerman. "I understand that you'd rather break the dishes than curse each other out, but breaking a full set of dishes every day is  a very expensive habit. Why don't you use  paper plates instead ?"  The Yungerman answered. "I personally agree with you. If it was up to me i would use paper plates, but my wife prefers dishes-and what wouldn't i do for Shalom Bayis?!"



This fellow used to buy his Shviger an expensive   birthday present every year. One year he bought her a plot on Har Hamenuchos. The next year he didn't buy his Shviger a present  at all. His Shviger was very insulted so she asked him   " Every year you buy me birthday present . Why didn't you buy me a present this year?"          He answered                             " Why should I buy you a new present, if you still haven't used the present I bought you last year?"

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 16 Aug 2018 01:50 #334714

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This guy comes to his Rabbi and says, “I want to live forever. What should I do?”

The Rabbi tells him, “I have the perfect solution. Get married”.

”And then I’ll live forever??”

”No. Then you won’t want to anymore”
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through...



My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 11 Sep 2018 21:21 #335416

  • mikestrucking
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*DISCLAIMER* This works better in Hebrew

What does one sexaholic tell another sexaholic on Rosh Hashana?

Have a sweet new year- Just for today
(Shana tova- Rak lehayom)
Formerly mikestruggling I just bought a truck. l hang out in the trailer and G-d drives. 
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 13 Sep 2018 10:15 #335460

  • mikestrucking
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ieeyc wrote on 31 Jan 2018 17:25:
a letter to a father
Dear Tatty,
     $chool i$ really great.I am making alot of friend$, and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff,i $imply can`t think of anything i need,$o if you would like ,you can ju$t  $end me a card a$ i would love to hear from you.
                                                                                                                                         Love
                                                                                                                                           $hlomo
Dear Shlomo,
    i kNOw that astroNOmy and ecoNOmics are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
                                                                                                                                         Love  Tatty

mmy teacher claims that this is a true story. 
He sent to his father, "Having fun no mon, your son. "
To which his father replied "Too bad so sad, your dad"
(with some money)
Formerly mikestruggling I just bought a truck. l hang out in the trailer and G-d drives. 
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
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