Hey, here’s a warm hand! That hurts…
It’s important to really stay strong for a few days until the poison of the porn passes out of your blood… gonna be tough.. after that you can get right back to where you are up to, and continue the amazing progress.

Hang tight,
Chaim

Just checking in , were28 days clean from live and 5from p***  !!!
having a lot of emotional pain these days but i think it's getting me  somewhere as I dig to the deepest depths of myself ,and honestly look at myself what do I want ....
Last night had a few hours to myself without wife home so me and the aibishter had some lchaims then I sang and cried for about an hour!! Raboisay try it tremendously therapeutic!!!
     

Chekin in doing well!! Making an effort to reach out to more chevra , I think that keeps me in the clean mindset,   
 I'm constantly blown away by th selflessness of  the mentors here and how each one has so so much to offer with their unique kneitch and kook on the struggle.     I have unlimited hakaros hatoiv , and if anybody thinks their part of this list they probably are.
I hope your efforts will continue to bear fruits!!! 
      Thank you hashem for helping me find gye !!!

Had a massive win today , was in a life situation that should have totally thrown me off the edge ,yet I had the strength patience and perseverance to stay calm logical and not get emotionally wrecked (whitch would have been a vadai fall in the worst way). .
   Thank you hashem for another clean day!
The journey was worth it just for this one fight it feels not shaich!! I feel on top of the world!!!

Good for you!!!

HERO!!!!!! Please call 800-BE-MOCHEH if you don't like this verbiage for wins....

Bh I'm clean from live !! Although I did m last night , right now I think my focus should be in person and not get to bent out of shape from m cause honestly it's not that geshmak considering that I don't mamash have internet access at home (although I do have a relative who has open Internet that I could basically go whenever I want) so if I decide to watch ill probably call someone before I go anyway.
so lvayla I'm trying to get to 50 days clean from in person So far it's 35 days !!! Imh to emeseh cheirus that I don't even have a tzad to do such things .
     Kailey Kailey LAMAH  AZAVTUNI

Reb Lama, your mechazek me to keep up the fight!!
Thank you!

Had another win today had to fix my car and was stuck there for about an hour, dangerously close to a place that if it would have existed in shtut Europe the drunken peasents would have probaly stoned anyone that walked in there and we dont even have to talk about what the poritz would have done.....
but bh texted for accountability, learned some mishnayis and busied myself on the phone and bh it took way faster then expected!!Right now having a drop of hopelessness that I'm going to have an emeseh struggle for a very long time, even if I stay clean.
I know I made a ton of progress since I started this journey chanuka time whether in shmiras eynayim,bris.............   And in life in general . But this struggle is mamash hard and there's so so many triggers always...      whether internal and external.
   But we keep fighting!!!! Cause if this was easy , I  wouldn't be here.

Im bh 40 days clean from going live!!!!
I hope that means that I graduated in some way to a lower intensity for when i get triggered cause I don't honestly feel that strong when I get an urge (whether externally. By seeing something, or internally by having a stressful moment and then dying to pacify myself) but it definitely got epes better so imh I hope to see more progress.  But did have a drop of a scare last night.
one thought that was recently helpful was the realization that all our hundreds of actions /thoughts a day that we control and pick the right choice by is what makes up our number of clean days , so even if we fall thats not a nothing, it's one big bad choice but doesn't mean all the time before the fall was spent badly neccesarally.
         Beshaim hashem naaseh venatsliach!

Didn't post in a while cause I was to lazyAnd am really to lazy now just wanna have what to look back to in this personal journal...
 I fell on Thursday and then broke a geder yesterday and totally broke it today which made me really meyuish and felt like if I broke it lets go all the way , which is qhat i planned on doing till my wide frantically called me that she needs me home.... 
So I calmed down but not for long ,And eventually fell with p....
I feel like I'm in a cesspool with no real realistic way of getting out of here ...
When I get an urge I get completely knocked over and all senses are gone with zero logic leftIm feeling disgusting gross mad at myself and a Stinky life ahead of me for sure for the next year till I could get some form of control over myself, which is totally not limited to kedusha struggles and includes overeating oversleeping smocking drinking.... And the worst part is how numb I got these things used to bother me way way more .
thanks for being listening ears
With a heavy heart and a overfilled stomach....

Hey buddy sounds like your in a bit of a rough spot. I'll just say that I have felt like you felt before and probably just about everyone on the forum has been there. Not only that ill bet that you yourself have felt like this other times and yet from reading your thread you clearly have gotten past that and felt stronger. So obviously what happened here is that when you fall the yetzer hara has got a second trick after he makes you fall. He infects your mind in order to block your vision. The proof of this is that if you were capable of vision you would see like I said that you yourself and many others have gotten past the very feeling you have now. Not everyone's journey is a one shot cold turkey we all struggle on the way. Yet by blocking your vision the yetzer hara doesn't let you see your abilities and your past accomplishments he makes you see darkness. With some hisboinenus and calm thought and reaching out to mentors you can get past it. I'm no mentor here I'm a freshie but one thing I can offer you is to see for you. I have read your thread and I don't see the darkness you see. I see an awesome guy whos done a lot of big stuff and there's no reason he can't do them again. I promise you buddy if you open up your eyes it can and will be a great year for you.

                               with love and hope jwbf

p.s. you've been here longer than I have I hope you know by now that your chances go up exponentially if you keep in touch daily with one of the mentors here I personally have used hhm muttel and eerie and I'll tell you they're all something special (and im sure the others are great too) and they can definitely help you with "vision" too.

Have you spoken to anyone to see if SA is right for you? Perhaps message GYE and see if someone can talk you through it. . . 

I fell today .....  Trying to capture the moment now and capitalize on it to make a good plan going forward,
  gonna  list y I want to stop to have it on paper when i need it.
#1its not that enjoyable the main pleasure is the fantasy before .
#2 it's cheating on my wife and although I dont fully feel like shes keeping her end of the deal I'm definitely not keeping mine.
#3after I feel so distant from kedusha halacha hashem.
#4i feel very guilty and end up being snappy and not happy with anything good I do cause its just to get rid of my feelings of worthlessness.
#5 similar to reason 4 it makes me depressed after sad hopeless and not enjoy anything I do whether physically or emotionally.
#6 it takes a long time after to get to a emotionally healthy place.
#7it makes me waste time and not live life while theres so much productive stuff i could do and accomplish.
#8 it makes me feel like the biggest loser ever that cant get his act together.
#9it makes me uninterested in my wife and then our realationship becomes even worse cause now theres no sex drive even.

lamaazavtuni wrote on 16 Jul 2025 20:14:

Hey, writing it all down like that takes real courage. That guilt cycle you described is brutal - doing something you know isn't right, feeling like garbage, then being short with everyone, which makes you feel even worse.

The marriage stuff is probably the hardest part. Even if things aren't perfect between you two, this isn't helping anything. Sounds like it's making everything worse, especially losing interest in your wife afterward.

The fantasy part you mentioned - that anticipation is usually way better than the actual thing. Our brains trick us into thinking it'll be amazing, but then reality hits and it's just empty. Plus all that guilt and distance from everything you care about.

Have you thought about talking to someone? Like a rabbi or counselor who gets the religious aspect? Sometimes having someone to check in with regularly helps break these patterns.

You're not a loser for struggling with this. The fact that you can see how it's affecting you and want to change says a lot. Just take it one day at a time.