So I'm up to day 10 Beezras Hashem. I started with talking to guys on the phone who are helping me tremendously. Thank you. I'm learning the power of not keeping all my history (maybe ill share another time) Locked up inside and be ashamed. I'm learning that I was created with this Like every other man in History, And at age 11 and 12 I acted out in those thoughts and ideas in my head, not even knowing that there was even the slightest thing wrong about it. So yes I'm a complete and total Ones. From there my misunderstanding of the challenge led me to run after every possible fantasy I could concoct, and act on them. Which included meeting people many times over the years.
And over the years I tried and tried and tried and tried, failing and failing and failing and failing.
So I saw an ad that promised that its possible to change by just talking to other chevra that have struggled, I didn't really believe it. But because I love my wife and children very much I decided that ill text for their sake alone. Also seeing gyes ads of how many people use this site gave me the extra boost.
I'm far from cured from this terrible disease, but I have to admit that it might be possible. seeing so many holy jews on here that have done it or that don't ever give up, is really inspiring. 
My wall that I built around myself and my struggles have been slightly opened to some very special people, who can understand my deep pain and help me through it.
I'll try to continue to update on here.
Have A Gut Shabbos and easy fast!

So Bh Shabbos went by pretty easy because no internet and scrolling social media and also no driving anywhere. But I hope to Make it thru another week clean. What i did notice was that over the years I've been so used to dealing with p*** And going live, that my regular shmiras einayim wasn't even an afterthought. It was automatic that seeing any woman on the street was an "easy look". So over this Shabbos I kept on realizing how often I stare and fantasize, so before I left my house I started humming a song in my head, it really did wonders keeping my mind busy and I barely felt the need to look at everyone passing by. And if I did feel the urge to look or stare I remembered to stay calm and relaxed and try to stick to my agenda of where I'm heading and sing my song!! I def recommend trying.
Lol my wife told me by Shalosh Seudos that i was singing much more this week!!

It is so beautiful to read your posts, you are a very special and inspiring person for putting in the effort and making that huge step in the right direction by reaching out to others. IYH you should continue to see your growth and find the friends and inspiration you need to continue working through this struggle.
Hatzlachah!

Clean Mendy, those are beautiful posts. I love the idea of singing!
If I can point out, the lesson I see here is that you, and I, have the power to control what we think about. Yes, it is hard. Yes, we have to figure out how. But we can do it, we just have to learn how!

Yes I do believe its possible, and the only way is with the chizuk from the chevra here, I cry when I write these words cuz I've tried so many times and I've honestly given up on myself, with no guidance and direction it didn't seem possible. But being on gye and reading thru some threads I see it is possible. 
To be honest though I feel like I'm still on a high from discovering this new idea of fighting the battle, not just alone, but with an oilam together. Although I would like to imagine that its possible to stay clean from now till 120, and maybe it is! But how do I prepare for a possible fall, or do I not prepare and hope I'm strong enough not to fall?

Good morning, ill try to put my thoughts together a little.
One main issue for me besides for my kedusha issues, is that my connection with Hashem has totally fallen apart in many ways, definitely because of my feeling that Im not good enough for Him, and a little anger to be honest... Angry that my life had to look like it did for so many years, with an intense inner turmoil every single day basically for 15 years. it has been so so painful trying to change, feeling alone...And yes I know that it can help me grow thru the nisayon, but the pain of so many years doesn't just go away.
So I'm working on realizing that since I believe in Hkb"h fully, and believe that he's the Kol Yachol, Which i know is true without a doubt, so he must have a plan why he put me in this Dor and made me fall like I did, even though I don't understand it one bit. The only Nechama I have is that maybe it happened to me so that one day, when I'm past all of it i could be a mentor to more yidden struggling...

But I did remember a nice Vort I heard from a Rov once,(It may be from the tanya, don't remember for sure). he said our connection with HKB"H Is like were hanging from a rope, When the rope gets cut, We are cut away and fall down. But rope could also get retied, and when it gets retied its smaller so the two sides are closer together!!
Bmakom shbalei teshuva omdim...

cleanmendy wrote on 12 Jan 2025 23:33:

My dear friend, CM, great question. Of course, we must try our best not to fall, but I believe it is not enough to just hope we we don't ever fall again, rather, we should prepare for the possibility that we might fall.
How do we prepare for it? Number one, the fact that you know that such a possibility exists, that you remind yourself that the YH didn't drop you as a client. He's here to stay until the day we die. For many, they get all bent out of shape when they struggle after the first few weeks, and part of that comes from the feeling that once they discovered this new world there will no longer be any challenges. While the truth is that there will be struggles no matter what. And if there are challenges, we may slip up sometimes. So don't take it as a sign that this path won't help, because you must know that this path also has bumps. But if you stick to this path, beH you'll reach true and lasting freedom.
Number two, internalize the message that every day clean is a world unto itself. By internalizing that you are going through a process, and it's progress you seek, not perfection, when you celebrate your progress, when you realize and appreciate how amazing the changes you have already made are, then you'll be able to hold strong. For many of us, it's the feeling of 'all or nothing' that does us in. We feel very disappointed when we see that we still fall, because we aren't perfect yet, because we only value perfection. Which is wrong. You should hold precious every day of growth, every step of progress, every drop of change
Now, of course, in the moment, when a person falls, it is very hard to remember all this. He just feels like a loser. And that's another place where your friends come in. A friend can remind him that yes, it's normal to feel stupid, and remind him at the same time to appreciate the change and accomplishments that have been made.
Of course, it's also important to plan out what to do when the going gets rough, which can help prevent us from falling in the first place, but that wasn't your question

What a beautiful thread here, from a beautiful person, Mendy!

Twas a pleasure speaking to you - your fighting and thoughtful spirit is An inspiration! Here’s hoping I’ll be able to get to know you better!

Muttel

This song is written in honor of two weeks clean.

TTTO: Al Hatzadikim, By Abie Rottenberg

Verse 1:
The war, it seems so endless, I doubt that I'll survive.
Years of shame and guilt, where can I hide.
Anger, and in pain, just look into my eyes.
Again, again, again, oh how I've tried.

Failing so miserably, It seems that there's no hope.
The silent tears I've cried, living a lie.
I'm sure there's no one else, That has to deal and cope
With living a fake and double life. 

Chorus:
Al Hatzadikim, the righteous and devout.
Who lift Themselves up, When they stumble and fall.
V’al Hachasidim, the saintly and the pure.
Only Hashem knows the burden, the burden they bear for us all.

Verse 2:
Falling lower and lower, In a pit of deep despair.
Every moment I have, I spend ‘over there’
You'll ask me a question, do you even care?
But I'm immune to it, It's been years and years

One day I had a moment, Realizing, It's up to me
Yes! I care and want to change my ways.
So I set up an account, again on GYE
And reached out for help, from all the guys

Chorus:
Al Hatzadikim, the righteous and devout.
Who lift Themselves up, When they stumble and fall.
V’al Hachasidim, the saintly and the pure.
Only Hashem knows the burden, the burden they bear for us all.

Verse 3:
Today I didn't fall, I'm on a winning streak!
Ive met some great new friends, They really do care!
Tomorrow he might say, just take a little peek
But I’ll stay strong, I'm not afraid I can repair

I know he won't give up, tests and tests to pass.
But with friends that understand, and to guide.
To lift me up, and be there when I need to ask.
For chizuk, to take it off my mind.

Chorus:
Al Hatzadikim, the righteous and devout.
Who lift Themselves up, When they stumble and fall.
V’al Hachasidim, the saintly and the pure.
Only Hashem knows the burden, the burden they bear for us all.

Verse 4:
I clearly see the light, the feeling of freedom is here!
A sense of joy, a burden off my chest.
Not just a new leaf, nothing can compare.
And I have faith that All he does is for the best.

Chorus:
Al Hatzadikim, the righteous and devout.
Who lift Themselves up, When they stumble and fall.
V’al Hachasidim, the saintly and the pure.
Only Hashem knows the burden, the burden they bear for us all.

Beautiful!!! I love you speaking truth to power!!!

Tell the damned YH he's got a tough customer now!!!!!!!! 

cleanmendy wrote on 14 Jan 2025 16:15:

first of all l'chaim on 2 weeks clean!!!!!!!!!!! i know that the mir is far but i feel you נושא בעול is the yesod of our yeshiva, 2nd of all beautiful powerful niggun bringing my hergeishim.... 3rd of all here's a talmid of r' yerucham singing to the tune of abie rottenberg mamish ah nes!

When I texted my  friend last night that I'm two weeks clean. I realized that I've done this before, whether bein hazemanim when it was hard to act out, or after getting married... So why is now so different, Well I had a moshel. If someone needs to loose weight, So he has to understand himself his goals, why its hard for him, go on a proper diet for him, then he'll lose weight. If he just starves himself, it wont last at all, he'll fail miserably and go right back to his old ways.
Well thats what I was trying all these years, I fell down so low, that I decided, enough! I'm gonna stop, and I takah did, but all I was doing was starving myself till my next fall, where I stopped trying for another long period....
Now its different with all the help and understanding of everyone here, I'm understanding myself, what I've been through (that's been so so hard to open up about). I now understand my goals, and of course I believe that its possible 
Day 15!!

So the YH is a lamdan!!
Yesterday driving around town my eyes were very "busy". Now, the battle I'm fighting is social media chatting, going live, and of course p***. So the YH told me, yeah its great that you have a 16 day streak, but you still cant control your eyes, so why bother? 
But I caught onto his game, its true my shemiras einayim need a lot of work, but I cant lose focus on the main goals I set for myself, and yes I'm still growing. 
Were all a work in progress.
I plan to talk later to my friend about this later to get more clarity, ill let you know iyh.

cleanmendy wrote on 16 Jan 2025 15:43:

Ashrecha on your sound thinking.
One day at a time Brother.
Continued Hatzlacha and Kol Tov

Day 17!!!
Every day bh is a world on its own, besides for the streak, I get more and more clarity every day.
Theres nothing like having someone to harass with all my questions, I cant believe it too me so long to discover you, but enough looking back.

For me theres two seperate issues, 
1. Having a taiva
2. Acting on that taiva
So as much as I feel bad that I often stare at what I'm not supposed to, right now my Avodah is to not act on those urges. One day at a time.
Gut shabbos!!