Hey all, purim mishulash in eretz hakodesh was wild but now were back at it, first of all thank you Harav proudyungerman for reminding me why I even started posting, to make connections with people gufa to help me pull through in times of weakness and lusting like what I was going through, BH I made the calls and it helped me refocus and analyze what needed chizuk and further improve my strategies to continue the fight.


​Now with the zman coming to a close I’m fearful of the battles to come, the flight back to America, and the hardest fight of all bien hazmanim, b’niogeya the flight there really aren’t any fool proof ways to protect one’s self from all that exists in the airport and on the plane, but following in the footsteps of the many that did it and came out clean, I prepared different things to keep busy on the plane and shiurim to listen to in the airport I’ll also check in with the oilem before and after the flight and set an incentive if/when it ends well and hopefully between all your tefillas and mine it will.

Bein Hazmanim, I don’t think there has ever been a bein hazmanim where I didn’t fall, like I wrote in my first post B”H was always a particularly hard time, during the zman I never had real access to porn and the struggle then was masturbation which obviously is horrible and is something I was able to get clean of till now, but porn is different in an emotional way for some reason masturbating during the zman never really hurt deep it, didn’t make me feel inadequate and hate who I was, of course I realized it waswrong, something that was assur, and something that belittled and defiling the act of creating a bayis between a husband and wife and I always wanted to stop for said reasons and more, but porn B”H just broke me it was all the bad feelings that masturbating wasn’t and it reflected what the true problem was, basicallywhat I’m trying to say is that I was able hide behind masturbating and convince myself that it wasn’t so bad and that it was obviously a struggle but one that was normal as opposed to porn which there’s no hiding from, so when I did fall (every) B”H it crushed me, that’s why I’m scared, I’m scared that after so long of being clean and getting to such a good and healthy place the B”H monster will strike me down again like he did so many times before, and even with all the tools all the GYE friends and accountabilitypartners there’s a mental barrier that’s laughing at me saying I’ll fall.

So what to do…….
I don’t have the device that I fell on so many B”H before, but there still is a device in my house that’s lightly filtered i.e. YouTube, pictures with skin etc. I’ve never really fallen on it before as it’s my parents’ work computer but if I’m desperate I’m sure I can find a way to fall on it inconspicuously, asking myparents to filter it is out of the question and convincing myself that I wont go on it I feel is impossible, and even if I don’t fall to porn on it I still don’t want to waste time on it watching YouTube every day, I have a good schedule B”H I learn plenty and exercise daily but even with that there are plenty of free hours that I’m home alone, I wish there was some easy way to work this out but for now it seems that, all roads lead to hell……

Car mirrors. I have an interesting and unique affection for them. It all began when I first learned to drive. For some reason i couldn't quite grasp exactly which lane the fast approaching car was actually in. I used to kind of guess and hope for the best. Fists clenched and heart racing, I'd change lanes - and breath a sigh of relief.



Eventually, after about a year of driving, i finally got it straight. I remember the excitement of being able to know exactly where and how far away all the cars around me were just by glancing at my three mirrors. I still love to passionately explain to new drivers all the tricks i invented to help them master their car-mirror skills. 

Tonight only further cemented my deep historical relationship with said mirrors as in them i caught my first glimpse of a man I've come to know quite well. Skepticism and openmindedness aside, i appreciate you for that and for that alone. 


humbly,


minhamayim