Hello to the chashuva oilem on the forums, I've been poking around on the forums for a while and I feel the time has come to make I own thread, for some background I'm a bucher in Eretz Yisroel and I've been struggling with P/m for close to 8 years, hopefully I don't bore you but here's the backstory.

In 9th grade I got ahold of an unfiltered device through a relative of mine, at the time I was in an out of town yeshiva so most of the inappropriate content I was exposed to happened bein hazmanim, for years I hated bein hazmanim because while I was in yeshiva I didn't have access to P so I would naively tell myself that M wasn't so bad and really I was a shtieging buchur but at home I just felt hopelessly lost about my identity and many times throughout bein hazmanim I would ponder thoughts that "maybe I don't belong in yeshiva" and "yeshiva isn't meant for people like me" but then back in yeshiva surrounded by all the good guys I would laugh at how ridiculous those thoughts were and remember how much I enjoyed yeshiva and how deeply and passionately I felt about learning Torah (very clique I know)

This cycle continued until BM when one bein hazmanim I got rid of that device, I was on a high that bein hazmanim but of course a month later I found myself falling again, and that's how I continued for many years highs and lows all the time,

BH throughout this ordeal I was somehow able to continue to shtieg and am considered of the better buchurim, but inside I was never satisfied I always felt like a fraud and a liar.

Through some crazy hashgacha (I posted about it on a different thread) I discovered GYE and I'm 60 something days clean. So why am I skeptical you ask, in all my years (not that many I'm only 23) of suffering  I can count on two fingers how many ppl I've opened up to (both of whom I connected with through GYE), and I just don't really connect to the whole open up on the public (anonymous) form and post where your holding thing, could be I'm bais but let's see where this goes (hence skeptical but open minded)

Hi! Welcome to the most amazing family on earth!
My friend, stick around, connect to some good guys, and trust me you will lose your skepticism very quickly!

Hi,
Welcome. 
Talk.
Unload.
We're in this together.
End 


(of bad habits)

There's nothing to be embarrassed of we all were/are in the shmutz together with you. open up youll never look back  !!!

Welcome welcome. So glad to see you join the forums.


Truth is, two fingers is two fingers more than I ever could have counted in terms of people I had opened up to. And that's the beauty of this site.
Jump in and you'll see- the more fingers the better:)


Can you share with us a bit more about your progress so far and how you reached 60 days on your own? That's tremendous!


Looking forward to getting to know you  


Minhamayim

Welcome. You’ve come to the right place. When I signed up I wasn’t sure if there were other yeshiva bachurim among the oilam, but some have been in contact with me. Ish lerayahu yomar chazak. It is also an auspicious time of shovavim, so you might want to check out  the esa einay program within gye. The ebooks section has some interesting sefarim and likutim on shmiras habris.



Biottom line is that the best way to have Hatzlacha in this inyan is by having a kesher with someone else, like a chavrusa. As you can see on my thread, I’ve expressed similar skepticism, but it’s important to be open minded and optimistic. I share  your reluctance to open up on the “public forum”. Most of my communications have been done in private by email.Feel free to reach out and join the bachurim who are working on this sugya. You are invited to join the Chabura. Obviously in accordance with your stated wishes you can remain anonymous. 



 

ratherstayanonymous wrote on 20 Jan 2025 18:20:

Reb yid, you are holy for coming here to work on yourself. 

Posting on here is not for everyone. Some will feel comfortable, some not. (Although even the over sharers carry shame about what they have done) 
If you don't feel like baring your soul to the world, that's ok. You absolutely don't need to. 

I would still recommend you reach out privately to the unelected pros here who have had tremendous success finding ways of grinding people out of the shmutz and into a life where you can put this stuff into the past. 

Nothing you tell them will be shocking to them and they will only make you feel accepted and loved. 
Have you reached out to the boss HHM? He's the best in the business. Saved my life and well as hundreds on GYE.

odyossefchai wrote on 21 Jan 2025 15:48:

Thank you for the insightful post, I have reached out and am in contact with Harav HHM he definitely is the best in the biz as you so eloquently put it, and altz posting I guess I'm trying to tap into the mayla that so many find by posting on the forums even if it's outside my normal comfort zone.

ratherstayanonymous wrote on 21 Jan 2025 17:42:

Shalom Brother,
The greatest potential for growth most often takes place outside the comfort zone - presuming that you are stepping out into a positive thing.

As Reb OYC mentioned, you don't have to bare you soul and every detailed secret of your life. 

Here are some potential maylos of posting (please anyone feel free to add more):

• These challenges often grow in the dark, so posting can aid with increased clarity
• Connecting with people will give you a potential support group for any difficult times
• Having contact with chevra that share similar goals to yours can help motivate you
• Sharing empathy can make us feel seen and accepted
• Giving chizzuk can lift up people's spirits
• Offering suggestions can help people share practical tools
• Discussing topics may increase your understanding of an important subject
• It keeps you mindful of where you are, where you've been, and where you are going
• Your posts may provide motivation to others

If you think it might be positive, give it a gentle try and see how it sits with you.

Continued Hatzlacha and Kol Tov

BenHashemBH wrote on 21 Jan 2025 18:09:

Because you responded to mine, I'll respond to yours! 

Surely if you needed some info on a tax question, you would be in touch with an accountant, and a medical question would go to a Doctor. 
Same here. 
We are trying to get clean. Why not shmooze to people who were in your situation and figured out how to do it. They are the real experts. They didn't just hear something from someone, they went and figured it out and changed themselves a and shteiged and won! And changed their lives! They are the BEST people to learn from. 

ratherstayanonymous wrote on 21 Jan 2025 17:42:

You have taken a big step forward in getting yourself free from this nisayon. Whether you learn in the mir or yagdil, it’s muvan why you wouldn’t be “in your comfort zone”. I initially felt the same way. But with time you get tzugevoint 

Regarding what you mentioned about posting, that is helpful but not the ikar.Personally I’ve been helped by having a shaychus with others in the same matzav. With time you can see what works for you. Lemaaseh, you have the possibility of entering a new tekufa. I look forward  to following your thread and sharing in your Simcha as you go maafeila leora.
Hatzlachs 

Welcome to the forum, and I admire the courage that you have to post, even on an annonymous forum.
You'll (hopefully) only find hope and encouragement here on the forums.
If you ever want to take the next step, and speak to someone in EY, please reach out.

KT!

Wow I wasn't expecting so many replies, just wanted to say shkoyach to everyone who did, definitely left me with some food for thought, and a place to share it.

minhamayim wrote on 21 Jan 2025 05:47:

BH Holding at day 64, truth is I don't really know how I got here I think I was just so fed up with how things were going, and I was so open to change that it just propelled me this far, that being said the momentum is definitely starting to fade and I hope all the work I put in to practice the different stratigeis to combat the YH will work in a time of need, but I'm for sure a shtikle terrified that it won't work and I'll fall.

Any and all thoughts on the inyan are welcome

I had the same experience when I started. The first few weeks I was on a cloud of excitement and momentum, and then it got hard....
What worked for me was, like you mentioned, developing long-term strategies and trying to make real internal change in how I viewed this nisayon and how to deal with it. Have you read the book The Battle of the Generation? It helped me a lot in doing that.
But I was also afraid that wouldn't be enough, so at the same time I started reaching out to more of the chevra here for added chizuk and support. That definitely played a big role in me pulling through. I felt I wasn't alone, and if I was feeling challenged I had whom to call. It also kept the momentum going in a certain way - like it wasn't just back to life as usual; there was still a certain 'tumul' about the inyan which helped keep the excitement and frischkeit. 
But really, don't be afraid. It might be somewhat harder going forward, you will probably have to put in more effort, but it's very much
''כי קרוב אליך הדבר מאד בפיך ובלבבך לעשותו'' . If you've made it this far, you clearly have a tremendous koach. B'ezras Hashem you'll go further מחיל אל חיל. 
Hatzlacha raba!
Yekusiel

p.s. I'm a bachur as well, would love to get to know you if you're interested!