grant400 wrote on 14 Nov 2024 02:42:

KABOOM!! THE GENERAL HAS BEEN SPOTTED! PRESENT ARMS, MEN!! 

chaimoigen wrote on 14 Nov 2024 03:11:

Somebody's been asleep at guard duty...uh-oh...
grant400 wrote on 04 Nov 2024 02:24:

All I got from this post is that your name is probably George.

Oh I also got out of it that you're an awesome guy who is gonna be flying high! (Just like in that episode with the hot air balloon. Where is this thing going.)

Welcome to the party, George! 

Fantastic post and I love your description of the "magical thinking" blaming every single calamity on your penis. I wish I could kill people by masturbating.  I strongly relate to that. Blaming myself for bad things happening, and the only way I knew how to respond to the guilt was to masturbate more, or blame myself more. Sick cycle.

When I was a young fellow, I used to think G-d punished me for porn with stomach issues. As I'm sure my fellow amateur Freudian's realize, the stomachache I got after acting out was entirely self-inflicted (no kefira intended). Ah, alas. What tangled webs we weave.

Hatzlacha and KOTACLAMAABATTDWAYHAHSA!

So doc that's take two KOTACLAMAABATTDWAYHAHSA and call you in the morning?
  

KeepOnTruckingAndClimbingLoftyAuspiciousMostAmbitiousAttainmentsByAlwaysThinkingToDoWhatAllYiddenHereAccomplishHashemSaveAmerica!?

Hashem Help Me wrote on 13 Nov 2024 04:20:


This aged well. 

wantingbetter wrote on 14 Nov 2024 21:50:

Keep on trucking and climbing like a monkey after a banana and something ? I forget huh yellow hat and something else. I forget. But it was definitely super inspiring and encouraging yet also gently humorous and warmly welcoming. Probably.

Soooooo BH I am 44 days clean….

Today I had major urges to go back to my pacifier…… I was and am so exhausted and tired….. was doing filter poking and I found out that my filter is pretty good…. (Or just that I have no idea how to get around it….. which I guess is a good thing….) so I I found out that that my App Store wasn’t really locked. Allow me to clarify, it was filtered and I couldn’t see any pictures of apps on the App Store but I really wanted to download many apps that are not good for me…..I even tried to…. But it didn’t work….. so then I reached out to a number from the past….(after going back and forth in my head at a million miles per hour) and had a very strong urge to M…….  Fought and fought it….BH I am still here clean (ish) no M. But I was having flying thoughts of why did you want to do that?!? You are clean for 44 days! You don’t do this….. ! Bh I am here standing “bruised and battled fatigued” from battling the YH….. I still feel terrible that this happened….. I think moving forward I will have to reach out to some GYE friends when I am in this similar (tired) mood. 

Thank you for listening:) 

love you guys! 

GYE saved me! 

signing off,
Still wantingbetter even though I slipped and almost fell and am bruised. 

ps. I am holding my head high and being optimistic cuz I KNOW THE YH WANTS ME  TO BEAT MYSELF UP ABOUT THIS AND I WONT DO IT!!

wantingbetter wrote on 27 Nov 2024 21:55:

I took off my WhatsApp and closed my AppStore. 

wantingbetter wrote on 27 Nov 2024 22:37:

Now, that's what we call a "permanent CEASEFIRE"!

BeH veiter!

Real late to the party, but a HUGE welcome to the #BrothersInArms. Just got to read your truly painful and heartbreaking story. 

I truly feel sorry for what you went through. The blame game is one of his best tactics to get us stuck in the endless web. 

As you've experienced already the wonders of GYE, you see how dumb the thought of blaming ourselves for everything is. The YH wants us to continue kicking ourselves in the back, but we're here to prove him our resilience. 

Slipping is scary, but we stand up and make the necessary changes for the future (as you have already done) instead of focusing on the past. 

You're a valuable asset to the brotherhood, stick around and keep us posted!

So the love, 
Yiftach

Yiftach captured my thoughts perfectly. I'll add one more nekudah. Slipping is scary, it makes us feel bad, and we shouldn't do it. That said, you should balance it with some cutting of your slacks, in the sense that a) you 'only' slipped, and caught yourself before a fall, which is amazing, something unthinkable till recently. b) To quote (roughly) Thomas Edison "You haven't failed, you've found 10,000 ways that don't work". In the making of this 180 degree turn that you've made in your life, you'll learn what works and what doesn't. Now you know that an open App Store is a trigger. As is WhatsApp. (LinkedIn anyone?)By pushing these things further away, you've given yourself some more breathing room for those days when the air gets a bit thin. So my dear friend, take a deep breath of that crisp winter air, and Let's Goooooo!!!

Just noticed this inspiring thread!

wantingbetter, I too was a young 10 year old boy………..

Your thread resonates…

Muttel

Just read this thread.

Wow. This is painful.
But relateble, at the age of 10 I also blamed a very close relatives death on this mistake of mine. I held on to that blame for close to 30 years!

It took comging to GYE get past it. Even after discussing it with a Rebbi.

Kudos to you for joining and keep flying!

I'm back to starting—back to day one. After 65 days of awesome freedom—(actually, it was a struggle on some days—) I fell. Now I know that in the past, I would stay down for days and weeks, etc., and fall again and again. But today is NOT like in the past.... the terrible behavior pattern of old IS OLD!! Now we are here posting... telling the oilam, dusting off, and getting right back up and I am learning from my mistakes. 

The feeling after is all too familiar to the oilam—the empty, empty feeling. The YH wants me to look at myself in the mirror and say, "See, you are a bad guy, etc."  but I won't allow the YH to get me again for guilt and worthlessness!!

I am ordering the Battle of Our Generations and plan to read a little bit daily. So I can keep the fight in front of me and not get "Blindsided" by all the side poking the YH does daily to break us down slowly. Over time. 

I will bln post here daily on my success and struggles.

Dear Oilam, thank you for being the warmest and the best family ever! Please hold me accountable for me posting more!

Signing off, 
Wantingbetter

PS. The Yh definitely broke me down slowly, and I want to highlight that every fight that we fight and every struggle that we do win isn't in vain. It's a step forward! Even in today's fight, it was still a fight, saying NO! then slipping then saying NO, and then slipping back and forth we went.... Unfortunately, I fell in the end. 

Day one on my restart- with 65 days behind me..... lets goooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!