30 days……? NO WAY!
Once upon a time…. There was a little boy (age 12) who was (and still is) very curious (and no his name was not George….) who was taking a walk in his school just curiousing (*not an actual word) around looking around for the sake of just looking around. He saw a group of 3 boys who were being suspicious and had the look of being exclusive (vip status) (and this little boy not named George did not report this group to the “see something say something” committee). Little curious boy not named George did what every little curious boy does and followed this group down to their secret location and was trying to become “part of the vip exclusive “cool” group”. The alpha male (leader of the pack) was discussing something very cool and secret and this little boy wanted to know, NEEDED to know. The secret was……at this point you guys can all guess……. Wait for it….. masturbation…. How to masturbate etc. (no one was doing it there) So now little curious AND SUPER CONFUSED boy went home and tried to do this “cool” “secret” thing…… and whoa and behold it didn’t work….So what does a little confused and super curious little boy do…. He goes back to the “cool group” and gets more “tips” on how it’s done…. The leader guy gives him a number to call etc.….. The little boy figured it out…..
Btw this Is a long story that basically keeps on getting longer. Get some popcorn….. alcoholic beverage of your choice….. sit back and relax and keep on reading……. Ok, now back to our regular program….
Ok so now that little boy that was curious and confused is now feeling really good about this “cool” secret that feels really good…. And starts to do it like daily cuz why not…. Etc… just knows that it feels really good and is attracted to girls and anything sexual(phone lines)(mind you he doesn’t know that its assur- all he knows is that the he is part of the “cool kids” oh I forgot to say that this curious little boy is also an insecure little boy) fast forward and year or so, maybe just a bunch of months….. the school finds out about this boy that was “educating” those 3 boys(the little boy is included in the 3) and tells the parents of those 3 boys. The little boy that was feeling really good doing what made him feel really good for many months, his parents went nuts and got the school with the other parents to expel and throw out this kid…..Now the little boy was back to being confused….. (still was and is super curious) what was wrong? The other boy was his friend and now they couldn’t be friends…… the little confused boy had a sit down with his parents and his parents basically told him that its assur and should not be done EVER! The little boy was crying and crying…… went to sleep and cried and cried even had wet tissues from crying(which he saved and asked Hashem to be moichel him….with those tissues)
After the kid that was educating the other 3 kids left. The little boy got through the rest of that year (8th grade) and it was extremely difficult to stop cold turkey…. So, he kept on doing it and made sure no one knew etc. he did it again and again (so many times) this little boy who just couldn’t stop (and now knew that it was wrong/assur) felt very guilty after doing it….. felt very lost….. blamed his 24-year-old cousins death on it…. Blamed his friends father’s death on it…..went to yeshiva (mesivta) still doing it…..he continued to blame his parents financial struggle on it. Tried to stop many many times……blamed his struggle with learning on it…..had to be crazy careful on Purim so that his secret should NEVER EVER get out…… his parents would be so upset at him…… On top of everything this now not so little lost and battle fatigued teen had developed a SSA towards the hotter guys in mesivta….. and he continued to do “IT”. Now this lost and battle fatigued and bloodied teen went onto bais medrash where he had hoped to “shteig” and put all this garbage/baggage behind ONCE AND FOR ALL! Little did he know that garbage was so ingrained in him that basically it went with him everywhere. Ill add that the little boy/teen/young adult over the years got his hands onto inappropriate movies/unfiltered devices and started watching porn and thinking and fantasizing about all the garbage that is involved with it. He had a vicious cycle of watching porn=masturbating=guilty feeling=to saying NEVER AGAIN!!=putting a screw into his unfiltered “secret phone” (pretty much the cycle…. Not every time)
Little boy/teen/young adult goes to EY and is like ok now its time to STOP!! He is going to really SHTEIG!! Basically what ends up happening to this little boy is that his chavrusas from morning seder and second seder decide to “ditch” him and that left the little boy to fend and figure it out for himself….. (mind you this little boy had and still has a hard time “focusing” and to stay focused and motivated to learn the whole day by himself was just to hard for him) And yes you guessed it he went back to what he knew so well (made him feel so good etc) he went running back to M….. found out about those kiosks and would spend the whole night there…. (no one seemed to care where this little insecure boy went for way to many hours at night…..) also he would wake up in the afternoon to put on tefillin quickly etc…. He was too scared to go to visit any of the gedolim in EY out of the fear that they will know…….Finally his misery(or so he thought was over) he went back home to America, started shidduchim (didn’t really know what do to since this HUGE secret of his was still a HUGE secret) BH Hashem in is ultimate kindness found him his beautiful and amazing wife(the little boy went on 6 dates and was engaged) He knew that he can’t bring this porn/masturbation into his marriage. So, he didn’t watch porn or masturbate over his whole engagement and for a bunch of months in the beginning of his marriage. Then he fell. Blamed a miscarriage on it. Blamed a sudden family members death on it…. HE JUST COULDN’T STOP…….he did it the day before he was to move apartments…. The next day the mover cancelled. He did it again (a different day) the next day he got into an accident. He again tried so hard to stop…. This went on for bunch of years….. Fast forward to the night before 10/7, he did it again…… Blamed the whole 10/7 on it. (The YH was basically telling him that every bad thing that happens is “YOUR” fault) So after 10/7 (October 7th) he went for many months not doing it….. and then he fell and then again, he blamed whatever bad thing that happened in the world on him doing it. This little person (boy/teen/young adult/ adult etc NOT named George) got to a really low place he had downloaded inappropriate apps and was sinking lower and lower (BH he never did anything with anyone or even had the guts to have a real video call etc) he just felt himself spiraling….down…. down….. into the abyss called porn/masturbation…. He had actually signed up to GYE (he saw the ad on yeshiva world) he knew it was for “guarding your eyes” (he didn’t know about the forums) and one day he discovered the forums….. the one for the balie batim…. He read the posts, felt the pain, saw the hope and inspiration. Finally, he discovered Mr. iwantlife and noticed that he had his number (*google number) and he reached out and iwantlife encouraged him to reach out to HA MALECH HHM which he eventually did and started his “accountability program” which in this little boys mind (at the time) he thought ok there’s no way that I can get to 30 days clean……The little man(he isn’t actually little….. he’s over 6 feet tall) Ill add here that the little man didn’t have an easy time getting to 30 days….. he had ups and downs…… but BH with iwantlife and HHM being there holding his hands every step of the way…. HE GOT THERE!!!!!!!! This was (and is) HUUUUUUUGE (huge must read with a Donald Trump voice!) So so BIGLY!! The little boy from 7th grade (12 years old) has hope has the family and support that he needs BH!! He sees that there is light at the end of the tunnel. He doesn’t know why Hashem gave him this nisayon. He heard from someone that a person shouldn’t say “WHY do I have this nisayon” rather say WHAT is the reason that I have this nisayon? To help others? To give chizzuk? To understand someone else who is going through similar challenges.
The above story about “the little boy” is non other than me….. wantingbetter….
The point is that on GYE there’s hope and inspiration. I can’t tell you the number of times that I was having a hard day (stressed out about my financial situation/new job/moved to a new city/kid starting new school etc) over these past 30 days that if I wasn’t part of the warm and loving GYE family I would have definitely gone back to porn and masturbation. Just the fact that I am being held accountable from HHM and iwantlife (I tried to make more friends….. PY? Eerie? Lol I have to call you guys
