Connected wrote:


Indeed. Everyone has their guard up all the time - that's how we were trained - vulnerability is weakness.

Ha, that's funny. I actually do this and it does help somewhat but unfortunately I don't see those guys on a regular basis outside the meetings anymore.

Or maybe a bunch of Chasidim. Don't be afraid; we don't bite (we broke our teeth trying to speak English at the course).

I've always been jealous of the way chassidim roll into shachris with their coffee, pull up a chair next to another guy, make themselves comfortable start a gezunte shmooze. After a few minutes there's like 4 chevra there, hokking away and then finally the chazzan finishes korbanos and they roll off to davening. In the meantime, I'm spacing out hoping that when the chazzan gets up there he'll start from yishtabach and then regretting coming to daven in Satmer because I will be late to everything ever. 

On a different note I did start davening in a heimishe place on Shabbos - that has been geshmak for me, not that I made any serious connections with anyone there, but at least the place isn't a freezer.

As for meditation, it can be a useful tool. I would caution you to find a good teacher to guide you through the process because otherwise, its effects can be the opposite of settling you down.

Any suggestions?

bright wrote on 08 Nov 2023 19:37:

Working on that. My wife doesn't really want to :-(

HeChochma wrote on 09 Nov 2023 13:59:

Yeah, we Chasidim have an awesome life. Much to be jealous of. Ehem ehem.


From what it seems, you hide out in Lakewood. If that's the case, my suggestion would be to move to Monsey and I can hook you up.

Im not sure if suggesting that you switch religious orientation and physical location are helpful (tho if they do i say become Sephardi and/or move to the Midwest) 
have you considered joined an organization? Like bikkur cholem or chaverim or whatever. And maybe try finding a more community based smaller shul.
Or wear a name tag that says "hi! My name is _____. Will you be my friend?" what could go wrong?

redfaced wrote on 09 Nov 2023 02:23:

Reb Shimon Schwab in his Sefer מעין בית ‏השואבה brings a beautiful vort from Reb Chaim Forshlager. The פסוק says “וישלח יהודה את גדי העיזים ביד רעהו העדלמי לקחת הערבון מיד האשה״  Why is it relevant for the תורה to make mention now when יהודה sends חירה with the גדי העיזים that he was "רעהו" his friend?  He answers that the  תורה is teaching us here that the גדר of a true friend is someone that we can feel comfortable sharing our deepest secrets and vulnerabilities in order to help each other as was by יהודה and חירה.

HeChochma wrote on 09 Nov 2023 14:31:

“Wherever I go, I go too.” 

Coming late to the party.
Loneliness. Yeah, do I know all about it....  [Sometimes I think I am Father Mckenzie....]

I find that fellows with a developed, rich, and complex internal landscape tend to feel very lonely...
......So much you can't share. So much you deal with all alone, in your head...

Helping other people makes a difference, I find. Though it doesn't remove the problem. You connect to others in a genuine place when you help them, especially if you go out of your comfort zone to do it. When you feel that connection, you know you are not alone. It's something. 

Also - you can discuss something meaningful with someone, even if you don't bare your soul. Someone in Shul that you get into the habit of sharing something you find meaningful with. Then the vort leads to a discussion that isn't "hock"... Some toichen.. you feel understood. Small connections are good. They can assuage the empty feeling of hollow lonesomeness, sometimes...
The main idea is that it's not all or nothing-at-all.

Although a friend-like connection isn't a full, true friendship, nevertheless it is something of meaning. During such a converstaion, for a few minutes, one can feel that he actually has a life If it happens a few times it can even be somewhat habit-forming.
.....Until you feel anti-social

HeChochma wrote on 09 Nov 2023 14:31:

Whats she afraid of? Not having her parents?

bright wrote on 08 Nov 2023 19:37:

The header says “you can run but you can’t hide”. 
Changing location is not the solution

Even later to the party...
I relate so strongly to this. I also have many acquaintances but no real close friends. I've always been a loner and non-social. It doesn't help that I have this huge secret to hide, and it's a vicious cycle because the desperate need for connection that I don't know how to make is what fuels my fantasies.

What has somewhat helped is getting involved in learning with others. I've joined Chaburas and arranged to learn bechavrusa with a few people. Connecting over a sefer (besided for the spiritual benefits) is a great was to start building a relationship with someone.

Markz wrote on 10 Nov 2023 14:22:

Unsure if your serious, unsure if i was either.

chaimoigen wrote on 09 Nov 2023 23:52:

I have noticed this since I started talking to others on GYE and trying to listen to others' struggles and encourage them too. I will say that it helps with connection when I help from a place of relating to them and their struggle - but if I play the role of oracle, above and beyond them, offering advice, I feel even more lonely up there in the ivory tower. Good thing is I don't usually have to worry about that - I'm only like two weeks clean altogether!


Thank you for this eitzah. I am going to try this. It will probably take a few tries until I find somebody who I enjoy talking to but it's an excellent idea. The wonderful thing on GYE is that you can post-stalk people - and then you know beforehand whose approach to life you respect and in which topics you might be able to get a meaningful conversation. Alas, in the real world it's all trial and error.

HeChochma wrote on 12 Nov 2023 13:42:

There is quite the nice selection of pretty awesome people that hang out here.

Indeed.

In honor of my almost four weeks clean, I composed a little poem about the difficulties and the growing pains of leaving the safe and comfortable embrace of porn, masturbation and lust and embarking on a journey into the unknown in search of a better, holier, more peaceful life.

Big thank you to Chaim O for pointing out that once GYE is anonymous anyway, I can express my poetic side without running the risk of being tossed in the loony bin. He did mention that HHM may start poking fun at me, but I figured, nothing to lose, he does that anyway ;-). Shkoach to foolie for his pithy input, as always.


>

To carry it all is to be alone as the silent moon, staring

To let go is to freefall, to spiral down, to catch my heart in my throat, fearing.

To share is to express, yet in words too faint to bear the heart they ride upon.

To conceal is to hold deeply, purely, the self, unknown; to polish facades to pride upon.

To hope is to stumble blindly away from the path long-known.

To settle is to sink, stagnant, complacent, into endless slumber, gone.

To feel is to anger at the injustice of it all, to need, to want, to hope, defenseless, exposed inside.

To numb is to cower in a fortress of fear, safely shackled by Mr. Hyde.

To battle is to struggle for connection when emptiness howls, deafeningly.

To break free is to cherish every victory, to fight passion with passion, to monster-truck eternally.