Hi everyone!
I'm returning to GYE after about 8 years of running away from my struggles with pornography and masturbation.
Since then I got happily married and am blessed with two beautiful children. My life has changed a lot but one thing that hasn't changed is my struggle with porn.
I'm posting now because I've been inspired to make the decision to face this battle by engaging with it instead of running away from it.
I've lived solely on avoidance for so many years - no internet, no smartphone etc. But over the last two years I found that my all the avoidance in the world won't stop me when I could easily pick up a device from a store while barely makind a dent to my bank account - I can't avoid all the wifi in the tristate area or every store that carries phones, tablets etc.

 I got rid of the internet in my numerous times - but it didn't do anything
It's hard for me to do this wholeheartedly when all I hear talked about from a Jewish perspective is getting rid of the internet etc
I am making the decision to change my approach today out of my own clarity of my situation - I will not change by doing what I have been doing until now
This morning I fell - which usually leads me to come here and read some posts until I go back to ignoring my problem - and I was blessed enough that eccentriccomposer started the Daily Dose of The Battle of Our Generation which I stumbled upon.
What an incredible book
37 I was very inspired by the following, from Chapter

This is how I am reentering GYE -- I  need internet access in order to be here - and I need to be here - because nothing else worked so far - not three therapists and not a few Mashgichim and a Rav. They all helped me a lot - but they aren't in the trenches with me so ultimately I need to take on this challenge proactively by living with it - in a positive guilt-trip free - motivated and iyh successful way
And I need your help everybody - I read around a little bit today (After I fell miserably - okay I know I'm not supposed to say that but I'm not taking it back cuz that's how it feels!) and I am amazed at the deep, practical, positive, down-to-earth and constant posting that goes on here - I would love to be a part of it! (I was particularly inspired by eerie and einshumyeush to give credit where due)

I chose the name HeChochma because the pressure/negativity/intense path does not work for me - the change I hope to achieve by being here is to change by using the wisdom of doing things differently in order to learn to live differently

Just my basic story I'm a little shy of 30, I'm a yungerman and a Rebbe and I've been struggling with Porn for the last 19 plus years - Everything was available in my house growing up - hardcore magazines unfiltered internet etc. You just had to know where to find it - well I found it one day. Can't remember what life was like without porn honestly
Much to my horror in 9th grade I discovered that it is asur to masturbate while I was flipping through an english kitzur shulchan aruch. By eleventh grade I started to talk to my Rabbeim about my struggles - they were all very reassuring and there were better times and worse times, although I was sure that I was absolutely the most horrid person on earth - they did a pretty good job convincing me that I'm absolutely normal - if in a tough spot
Things went up and down and took a turn for the worse as I got to be a little older and more daring - with great siyata dishmaya I never ended up having any falls outside the digital world
 I didn't expect getting married to solve my problems - thanks to GYE - and it didn't. Thankfully my struggles with porn haven't done serious damage to my marriage although I had to work out some emotional hangups with a therapist - Thank G-d it has all been up and up
But my struggle with porn has if anything just gone sideways
So I'm here today and I plan bln every day, to read along with the Daily Dose of the Battle of Our Generation, to share the struggle and to fight the battle alongside the ohavei Hashem who shine as bright as the rising sun's rays
!You are all an inspiration and a wellspring of wisdom to me

Ever tried an accountability partner?

Yes, I'm in middle of not reporting my fall........ 

I just texted him - my accountability partner helps me somewhat - but I always feel like I also need the power of friendship. I need to be with people who are in for the ride - no expectations - up down and all around - nothing to be afraid of.
My accountability partner could be tougher with me - but that also means that he just isn't that friend who is in the trenches with me. I hope  to get some of that friendship here

HeChochma wrote on 28 Sep 2023 04:38:

Sorry but I disagree. 
A friend is not someone that will let you do whatever you want. 
A true friend is someone that pushes you in the right direction (is sometimes tough) is happy WITH you when you succeed and is sad WITH you when the going gets rough.

HeChochma wrote on 27 Sep 2023 18:57:

Anyone else who wants to join, please grab the book from the link below in my signature (free anonymous ebook available, or softcover copy for $10). And find the thread in the Important Threads section.
I think it's good to join with the Oilam on the thread even though we are near the end of the book, because of the unity involved. But you should also read some from the beginning.
(Also, I'm just mentioning that there are two books with a similar title, The Battle of Our Generation and The Battle of The Generation. The one we are reading is The Battle of THE Generation. Again, grab the ebook or softcover from the link below in my signature.)

If you are interested in a kosher flip phone that can have the gye app on it, email me or call the number in my signature. (its kind of a pain to set up, kasher, install the app and then block it from installing any other apps, but definitely worth the effort) 
and please read the message i sent you

redfaced wrote on 28 Sep 2023 12:30:

True, for sure, in terms of what real friendship is.
Personally, when I fall I struggle seriously with checking out, giving up and losing touch. I've done that with plenty of people that are trying to help me - I'll only call them once I'm out the dark place that I fell from and the darker place that I fell into. Because in that place I just don't feel like I can fail to meet another person's expectations - I need some confidence in order to accept that failure.
Just yesterday after I felt comfortable to share my story here, I got up the confidence to tell my accountability partner that I fell badly. He was nice about it, even compassionate and encouraging - but since he is my accountability partner there's no way out, a fail is a fail.
I feel like I need a little bit of both for myself - a dose of unstoppable compassion and positivity that gives me the confidence to stand up and take responsibility.

HeChochma wrote on 28 Sep 2023 04:38:

So reach out and get one:)

HeChochma wrote on 28 Sep 2023 15:42:

Shalom!! It took courage for you to come and write your detailed introductory post. And maybe more courage to come back, admit that what you’ve tried thus far isn’t working, and to reach out for help. 
It’s easier to find encouragement and strength when you aren’t lonely and alone in this fight. Welcome! 

If you are looking to take responsibility and figure out how to do what needs to be done to make changes, you probably need more than just unflagging positivity. You seem intelligent and experienced in this struggle. What do you want to be different this time? What do you want to do differently this time?

Yes, There is hope. You CAN break free. There are terrific people here who can help. In the end, it’s you who will have to do the work to make the change. 

Walking alongside you, chaver. And wishing you my heartfelt best. 

Chaim Oigen 

I think it sounds like he needs both....

Hi! Welcome, my friend! It sounds like you are BH serious about cutting out the unhealthy behavior once and for all, BeH. And you've done the first great move, by posting your basic story. We are here for you, we are your friends and brothers and we want to hear from you, we care about you, and I mean that for real. If it's a mentor you seek, look elsewhere. But if it's a friend you seek, by all means, please reach out. My email is on the bottom of this post. My friend, reading you post i see so much that could have been me writing. Oh, and thanks for the shout-out:)
Stick around, my friend. Besides for making friends, there is is so much to learn form so many of the wonderful people here. see Vehkam's thread. See anything posted by Grant. And many, many others. Looking forward to watching you fly higher and higher!

Sorry - you left me no choice

Thanks redfaced for the reference to eerie! He pulled me through a tough day early last week - with great compassion and divrei chizuk!
But alas I fell later in the week - first just masturbation due to "natural triggers" - and then I got very busy and fell out of GYE for three days - and then last night I
fell.
all.
the.
way.
down.
Went to sleep at three in the morning in a pit of depression and misery.
So I'm back and trying to prevent the same thing from happening by iyh being more active here on a daily basis.
Iyh it will be easier to do with Captain restarting Daily Dose of The Battle of The Generation (Join us! https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/396412-Daily-Dose-of-The-Battle-of-the-Generation?limit=15&start=135)

Just a point I wanted to add - as I was falling through the cracks, I followed my plan and came on here and chatted with Eerie and Davidt613. The two of those guys should be blessed with endless brocha for them and their families!
It helped me a lot to talk things out but I hadn't been proactive enough in preparing for the battle. When it came down to it - I wasn't prepared with the willpower to prevail in the face of the battle.
but my biggest problem of all is that once I started falling I was too ashamed to come onto GYE and stay on track - so I washed away totally after four days.
I hear HashemHelpMe's voice in my head telling me to celebrate my last streak - 
so,
Cheers to 20 clean days!
Iyh 90 this time!

Does anyone have any suggestions to help me turn back to try to get back on the horse when I fall slightly, instead of being too ashamed to come here and then totally wiping out?

HeChochma wrote on 22 Oct 2023 18:52:

Only suggestion I have is you should know that we've all been in the same position as you.
Most of us got helped by being here in our rough times.
There aint no atheists in foxholes nor shame on GYE!