Hi,
I'm a baal teshuva for more than 7 years now, in my early 30s living in a yeshiva community with roommates, never married.
I started seeking suggestive images since I was 9 years old on dial-up, though I wouldn't call myself an addict it has definitely always been somewhere around with its accompanying guilt. Though at times I fell deeper into it, it never seemed out of control, unfortunately I got taught how to pleasure myself also quite young by an equally young goi acquaintance at the age of 12, gradually doing it more as I started entering my teenage years. Thank god we didn't have smartphones back then but the computer at home during the early hours of the day was almost as bad. No real parental control or discipline. Baruch Hashem I never had more than skinship with girls for that would probably make my current plight even more challenging.
More than 20 years later now dealing with a problem that goes against my core values, It feels that it is more an effect of the other problems I have in my life (lack of discipline mainly) than a cause but I guess it is always just a downward spiral.

I sleep late, am bored, play some games, check some comics, look at some memes and start being exposed to more and more images, it doesn't usually start with wanting it but one thing leads to the other - sometimes quite quickly depending on how much I have been letting go lately and my levels of anxiety - and i find myself in ground 0 once again.

I have been in the past, able to last 3 or so months without masturabtion but without the right support any strong wind can blow my effort away. And after knowing about this website for more than a few years I've decided it is time to give it a try, specially seeing how much work it has been done to it and how easy it seems nowadays to follow the step by step program.

Until today I had lasted 9 days, from a few days before  yom kippur until today i had managed to avoid the fall but a bit of extra stress from a Shiduch I am unsure about and  reading a few comics which were gradually more arousing (instead of being in my wonderful succa) i failed to avoid it, funny thing is i keep reminding myself while on the verge that I should stop and that i can still stop but to no avail.  

I have my phone filtered well enough to prevent me from falling but I have access to an unfiltered computer in a private area that makes the challenge quite hard at times.

I hate how this affects my energy, focus, guilt, avodat hashem, and the inability to reveal that which is hidden that requires a pure mind and heart. It makes me feel unready for a serious relationship and just generally annoyed at my inability to deal with my anxiety.

Here goes another try starting right now, 14 days is where the eyesight is at, hopeful and trustful, i'll read some Tehilim tonight.

I take upon myself at this moment to love my fellow jew (you who will be reading this) as i love myself. Thanks for the support!

Welcome!

Please check out these great free resources:
ebook- The Battle of the Generation
Audio series- The Fight
They're very good to start with.
See below in my signature for the links.

​Hatzlocha!

thank you, I will look into it. 
I thought I was ready to restart, but the second day in a row that I fall, boredom, anxiety, and entertainment...
Tomorrow is a new day to try again, especially since I usually have a much easier time keeping myself calm after mikve and through shabbos. I should be able to hold on until after simchas torah at the very least and maybe do some serious self reflection.

Im doing the program, im at cure tracker part.  hard week to try tracking urges since its yom tov ansd shabbos in the middle.

Thanks!

Sorry if you've already been asked this but would you be able to do anything about the unfiltered computer?

Along with accountability 

This forum kicked me twice before being able to post without saving a draft of what I was writings I lost twice 20 minutes of writing so I'm going to stop posting at this forum, the fact that this site doesn't keep you logged in or has any easy option to keep you logged in is a complete turn off.

I'm at day 17, yay me, this site is a bit too frustrating. I'll come back when I can remain permanently logged in and the auto save part of this forum actually saves what you have written.
Thanks for everything, this has pointed me in a generally good direction. (I've had the same problem before on ios, now I'm on android. Chrome in both cases)

Wish i could have recieved some more help from you guys. Specially in sharing my difficulties, filter problems etc.

Hey, way to go Benyomin! Keep it up, my holy friend! Sorry you're having trouble with the website, I also have similar issues, but this place is worth any effort to be part of. There are so many good people to learn from and they are willing to help. Can you tell us more specifics, what are looking for help with? Have you tried reaching out to some of the wonderful people here? They have helped many people take their lives back, and they can help you too. Keep trucking, keep posting, and don't go away!

Sorry for the frustrating situation. I have lost writings a couple of times. I often will write out my posts on my computer or my notes and then copy them here to avoid accidentally losing them.

Benyomin wrote on 02 Jan 2023 21:21:


“I’ll come back to SA meetings when it has people of the same gender (does that still exist??), fetish, skin color, religion, age, taste, hairdo, BMI. Until then adios”

Benyomin wrote on 02 Jan 2023 21:21:

It happens to the best of us. If I know I'm gonna write a long post I'll usually write it in my notes app and then paste it here when I'm done